Monthly Archives February 2017

When breath becomes air

When breath becomes air

February 4, 2017
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in Tip
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When breath becomes airWowed.
By the beauty of the language.
By the vulnerability and gentleness of Paul.
By the hard-earnedness of the insights shared.

A must-read.
A book I know I will be able to read, over and over again, and always find something new in.

The foreword alone, is a magnificent read – by Abraham Verghese, author of another book that wowed me, in much the same way. Similar and yet, different. But the language. The beauty of the language, the skill of using words, of stringing them together, into sentences and paragraphs that move me, shaking me to my core. Brings tears to my eyes, and lets me soar high on the winds of possibility. All at the same time.

In the acceptance, the experience, of death, Paul Kalanithi generously shares with us a gift, that lasts long after his passing. A passing I cannot help feel was premature. So much he could have continued to give, to his loved ones, patients and colleagues, and to the world.

But I had perhaps not heard of him then – and the same might go for many a people. And it becomes apparent to me, as I read, that the focus within, that says this was not fair, he should have lived much longer, isn’t serving me. It retracts from the message of the book, and so I let it go. Stop resisting, and fall into acceptance, as I read, feverishly, page after page, turning them quickly, not wanting to miss a word and at the same time eager for the next page to reveal its beauty to me. And in accepting, the gift of Paul sharing what he learns as he walks into the valley of death, expands my world, with every breath I take. And then…. breath becomes air.

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At the edge of understanding

February 3, 2017
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Listening to Headspace Pro pack number six. The description reads:
Headspace Pro Pack 6 focuses on your sense of me, myself and I. Learn how to step back from your identity and just experience life.

I’ve meditated to this pack several times before, but this time there’s a difference in what I hear, and how it is received, within. I am at the edge of understanding here. On the event horizon, knowing there’s something else out there, I just cannot seem to grasp it, to understand it. Or even to see it.

It’s in the small things Andy Puddicombe says, a phrase here or there, that my mind knots up, and simply cannot fathom what he’s saying. And he even says that; It can take a long time to truly experience this.

I’ve been so helped by differentiating between what I experience, and observing myself experiencing it, that the concept of letting both of those go, and simply be – to just experience. Nothing else – almost scares me. That’s what I think I did. Before. When I was swept away by my experiences, taking them, and me, so seriously. And that’s n o t what Andy is suggesting, he makes that very clear, but it’s still towards that way of experiencing experiences that my mind goes when He prompts me to let go of the identification, and be in the moment.

And again. Here I am. Writing down the observations of my Inner Observer. Most definitely a part of Me. Identifying to the fullest. It almost makes me laugh out load, as I sit here in bed, typing away. Oh well.

fully understandOne thing I am not though, and that is impatient to cross this event horizon. The need, the urge, the itch to grasp this, fully, to be able to check off the box saying I, Helena, fully understand the concept of stepping back from my identity and not cling to my sense of me, myself and I. It’s not there. There’s no need, no urge, no itch. It’s just a possible understanding. One that might come to me, or not. Perhaps this is an event horizon I will never cross. And that doesn’t bother me. Come what may, I say, and fully embody that. For this piece of the puzzle, at least. I can be more impatient with other pieces of the puzzle, wanting to fully comprehend, to embody. But not here.

“At the edge of understanding” I wrote in the title for this post. I could also have written “At the edge of my understanding”. Subtle difference, but, perhaps the way I accept my non-understanding of this, is a way of simply experiencing, rather than identifying too much with my lack of understanding. What a paradox!

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Wholeheartedness – Reflection February ’17 

February 1, 2017
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A month of having wholeheartedness as my intention for the year.
staying togetherA month of breakthroughs.
Where me and my husband have made a decision to stay together while continuing to live apart.

Where I have seen patterns of old, patterns that no longer serve me or anyone around me for that matter. And just seeing patterns like this, means they start to fall apart, no longer the easiest route for my system to revert to when triggered. The path no longer represents the automatic and unconcious way ahead.

Where I see how easy it is for me to say Yes. To be open to opportunity, to possibility. Saying Yes, and learning new things. And yet. Also cramming my schedule. Knowing I can fit it all in, deliver the goods…. with the cost of putting myself on the backburner. As a solopreneur, once in a while this is a wise move. Given one thing: that I take extra care of myself these upcoming months, ensure I stick to my daily rituals, that so vitalize me, makes me nourish connections and be aware of the contribution I am bringing to the world.

A month of deep inner discovery and exploration. Of expansion. This word that so lights me up. It’s like a balloon for me – filling with gas, rising higher and higher. Seeing more, encompassing more, taking in more. And at the same time, not just having focus on the “more”, but also revelling in all that is. The mix of the new and the old, that which has been within me for a long time, and that which is new. In fertile soil, new things sprout from the collisions of new and old, growth results, and I, I am walking around in my internal garden, like a happy gardener, tending, caring for, watering and weeding, as needed.

A month that makes me grateful for being alive. For living and breathing. Wholeheartedly.

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