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Wholeheartedness – Reflection December ’17

Wholeheartedness – Reflection December ’17

December 25, 2017
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My final reflective blog post on the intention I placed upon 2017: Wholeheartedness – living life wholeheartedly. I’ve already started to reflect quite a lot on my upcoming yearly intention, earlier than what has normally been the case for me. So the intention for 2018 feels like it’s one born out of necessity, out of a willingness and urge to explore what might come with a year of intentional living… but not so fast, my dear. I have yet to do this final reflection on wholeheartedness.

wholehearted me december 2017Given all the ups and downs of 2017, I have most definitely been aided by having this intention. Not letting myself forget, that it’s my life, it’s my heart, and I am the one in charge of making, creating, shaping my life in a manner most coherent with my beliefs, wishes, desires, aspirations, goals, values – call it whatever you like, I am still the one in charge. It’s on me.

And nowadays, for me, that’s a very hopeful and inspiring statement to make: I’m in charge. It’s on me.

The old Helena would have been intimidated by it, scared, and most of all, reluctant to honor it – reluctant to honor myself, in a sense, not believing I had it in me, not wanting to own my life and my experiences, believing life was easier if someone else was responsible. But alas – that’s not how it works. No one else can be responsible, because I am the one who shape my experience of my life. It comes from within. Being open to that, to all of my experiences, sure makes a difference. And that, in and of itself, is perhaps a definition of wholeheartedness? Not shying away from anything, not even the stuff most difficult to face, the bits and pieces of me that I have spun stories around, making it shameful, despicable, unworthy.

Being open to all of me, my whole heart, has helped me put less and less weight upon the stories I spin that are no longer serving me – and with that I have more energy for that which serves me: such as living a wholehearted life.

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Wholehearted – Reflection November ’17

November 29, 2017
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conflicting emotionsIn the last month I’ve had been in conversations with a few loved ones into topics less often broached (by me, at the very least), such as menopause and money, desire and divorce, sex and shame. All of them topics well worth a conversation or two. Or more, lots more than two.

I am, slowly and steadily, approaching these topics, and my oftentimes conflicting emotions around them. It sure helps to have people close to me whom I can discuss them with – voicing even that which I am ashamed of, in the knowledge that it will be received with grace and tenderness. I’ve chosen wisely. My loved ones are people I trust completely.

Mmm.
Just writing that last sentence brings a smile to my face, and a warmth that sweeps across my insides.

How sweet it is, to sit here, knowing deep within, that I am worthy of this.
Worthy of having people close to me, worthy of loving and being loved.

It’s not always been apparent to me, this inherent worthiness, that I share with each and every soul on earth. I know it’s not apparent to many of you either. I wish you will be converted, as I’ve been, into this words-are-unnecessary-and-couldn’t-describe-it-anyway type of knowledge – and perhaps, knowing it’s possible to go from one to the other can make a difference?

Wholeheartedly, I do my very best to embrace myself, the light and the darkness, the skills that are so easily perceived, as well as the hidden potential, yet to be uncovered. It’s there. I hide it. From me. From you. But I hide less and less. And spending time with people who do the same – show up, in their full glory of humanness – is such an inspiration. It helps me. You are my role models. From you I generate strength, passion and ideas and, most importantly, you are my invaluable sounding boards, allowing me to bounce my insecurities, fears and desires off.

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Wholehearted – Reflection October ’17

October 28, 2017
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Part of living wholeheartedly, for me, means sharing. Sharing what I experience, what I think about, what I struggle with and what I rejoice in. This past week has been a good example, as Pop the cat went awol on Sunday the 23rd of October. We called for him, went looking all over, posted about him being gone all over Facebook, Instagram and other “cat’s gone awol”-sites available out there. Reported him missing to the police, put up Missing-posters in the neighborhood, called the local veterinarian and in all manners made it clear that we needed help to find him again.Missing Pop the cat

And how people responded!

Came with tips and ideas, shared the Missing-cat-post all over the web, kept an eye out whenever they were out and about in the neighborhood as well as contacted me with possible Pop-sightings.

And then today, six days after he went missing, me and the kids were coming home from a festive gathering outside of town, and as we were being dropped off on the street outside our house, we all heard a cat meowing really loudly, not pleased with life at all. It sure sounded like Pop, but we’d all gone down that road so many times the past week, that we had a hard time believing it could actually be. So we took off down the street, once again, with hope bubbling up in our bellies, to find whatever cat was making such a ruckus, and a few houses down the street, there he was! In the garden of a neighbor, just let out of their garage. They’d been away, and came home to weird noises in the garage.

Me and the kids were rapturously happy, while the man of the house felt so bad. I told him not to, because he’d just made our day!Missnöjd Pop

Right now, Pop is sitting on the sofa table staring me down, pissed at me for not letting him out. Or, at least, for not providing enough food to make up for the lost food intake of the past week. I’m figuring I’ll go easy on both – wanting him inside the house at least until the morning, and a little food now and again, to make sure his system doesn’t crash and burn after going on an involuntary diet for six days.Pop back in da house

So now I’ve been sharing my joy at this moment, all over the Internet, calling the police to retract the missing-cat-report, letting everyone know Pop’s back in da house!

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Wholeheartedness – Reflection (July, August and) September ’17

October 5, 2017
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pop and meHere’s another one of those monthly reflections that I haven’t written, not since the beginning of June! So here I am, pondering the concept of wholeheartedness and how it’s materialized in my life these past four months, and what I can see is a lack of drama.

Not because there’s not been ample opportunity to engage in drama, oh no, far from it. Living and working amongst other people – there’s always the opportunity to engage in drama. Always.

So the difference lies rather in how little I’ve engaged in it. I mean, I’ve weaned myself off drama for a long time (starting in 1995 or so, when I ditched watching the news on TV, I just could not stomach it any more!), and more so these past few years for certain, but recently, I’ve engaged in it even less, which feels great.

I’m not aware if this has been an intentional decision – which I guess points to the fact that it hasn’t been. But regardless, getting less and less interested in engaging in drama truly makes for a different and – in my case at least – sweeter experience of life.

Do you understand what I mean when I say ”I’m not engaging in drama”?

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Wholeheartedness – Reflection June ’17

June 1, 2017
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A month has passed, when I could no longer deny the soft whisperings of wisdom from within. I cried, I wrote, I refused to see the obvious, as it was laid out in front of me… but with the help of good friends, I finally opened my eyes, my mind and my heart, so that I could see – with all senses – what I have been trying to deny, for some time now.

I first spoke it into the world, in a sharing circle, with three wise ladies who simply held me. No words necessary; held in a loving silence, embraced by warmth and acceptance. A safe haven to give birth to this insight.

And, like with learning to ride a bike, or learning how to read, once it’s learned – it cannot be unlearned. The same is valid here. Once I’d spoken this truth into the world, it became solid. Impossible for me to continue to ignore.

farewell. and welcomeIt’s not been a fast process. It’s taken its time. Like a child in the womb, needing nine months to develop, this too, has been a period of gestation, needing months to develop. And finally – I was ready for it. In pain, in joy; both dreading and rejoicing in the occasion.

With my whole heart, I am taking steps forward, expanding into a new reality.

Letting go; letting come.
Farewell. And welcome!

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Wholeheartedness – Reflection May ’17

May 4, 2017
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Dropping all againstness. No. Not even dropping it. Not an act, I’ve not deliberately dropped anything, it simply vanished, disappeared into thin air. No more struggling against that which is, against that which is not, trying to transform what is or is not into the opposite position.

Feeling scared. At first.
Feeling ashamed. As well.

And then… those feelings went the same way as all my againstness; one day, simply gone.

Now. A touch of sadness remains, but also tranquility. I am with the isness of it all; nothing more, nothing less. Just that. All of it. In the isness, all that is, and all that is not is contained; held in a space of love where all is, as it is.

Wholehearted?
You bet! All of it. Every last piece of it. It’s all there.isness

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Wholeheartedness – Reflection April ’17

April 1, 2017
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Ghost in the shellSitting in bed after having a slow morning. Went to the movies last night, the late night show, which I never ever go to. Except yesterday. And it was a nice break from what I usually do. Before the movies my friend Michael Sillion had thrown out an invitation to a #FutureDinner in the universe, and we ended up being five people at Satori, eating, talking, connecting; going deep.

It was a great experience, and I feel as if I’ve been shaken from my complacent and slightly lethargic “non-routine of socializing”, because truth be told, I’ve become more of a recluse since me and hubby separated, than any of us would have thought. I think I’ve needed it, but now, I think I need to start to aim myself outwards again. I mean, I am all about the inside and boy do I ever listen closely to whatever wants to happen, from within. But it’s time, to also listen more to what wants to happen without – me in the company of others. Wholeheartedly.

When Michael made the invite, I was so close to saying No thank you. Without really thinking about it. I managed to stop myself though, and deliberately decided to break out of my rut, by saying Yes, thank you, I’d love to join you!

It takes effort.
It’s easier, and less exhausting, to simply stay within the narrow confines of home and closest family. But I want more now. I want different. I want to spice up life, with other peoples input, thoughts, ideas, strange beliefs making me go: Huh, never thought about that, how fascinating!

So – anybody wanna join me and the kids for dinner tonight?

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Wholeheartedness – Reflection March ’17

March 1, 2017
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Another month of having wholeheartedness as my intention for the year. During this month, I’ve been deliberately trying to step out from a middle man position that I’ve put myself in. I’ve been encouraged to, in some ways, but I cannot put the responsibility on anybody but myself. Sometimes I volunteer, and sometimes I’m invited to step into the situation, as a middle man, a go-between, a translator of sorts, but I am the one who accepts or rejects the proposition. And I’ve started to reject it. To say No, I won’t do this, anymore. It’s not good for me, and it’s not good for you either. It has me meddling in business that’s not mine to meddle in.

middle manI do find it challenging though… I’ve done it for so long, it feels very normal to do, and I experience a certain amount of discomfort when I don’t.

Lots of thoughts whirling around in my head, thoughts that generate a feeling of fear, of anxiety, of worry. Both for the people that are involved, but also for myself.

Who am I, if I am not the middle man? What space will open up for me, when I let go of this meddling? What might come of it?

There is both excitement and fear there – because who am I, to you, if I am not “assisting you” in this? Will you no longer depend on me (no, that’s the whole point, duh!)? Am I then no longer important to you?

And you – what will you do with the space that’s opening up, when I no longer inhabit it? Will any of you step into it? Take on the responsibility yourselves, for communicating in such a way that translation is no longer necessary? Speak, and listen, listen and speak, until you are in agreement of what it is you, both of you, are trying to convey? Making sure there’s respect for the feelings of the other, even if there might not be understanding – because the striving for understanding often seems to push you two farther apart, more than anything else? 

And there I go again… getting into – rather than stepping out of – it. So I remind myself – again – to let go. Because the only way for something new to come into this equation, if for me to let go, in order to let come that which wants to happen.

Breathe in, a long, deep, slow breath… and slowly let go, of my position as middle man. It’s served me, and you, to some extent. But it is time to let it go, hard as it might be. Or, for that matter, perhaps it might not be hard at all?

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Wholeheartedness – Reflection February ’17 

February 1, 2017
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A month of having wholeheartedness as my intention for the year.
staying togetherA month of breakthroughs.
Where me and my husband have made a decision to stay together while continuing to live apart.

Where I have seen patterns of old, patterns that no longer serve me or anyone around me for that matter. And just seeing patterns like this, means they start to fall apart, no longer the easiest route for my system to revert to when triggered. The path no longer represents the automatic and unconcious way ahead.

Where I see how easy it is for me to say Yes. To be open to opportunity, to possibility. Saying Yes, and learning new things. And yet. Also cramming my schedule. Knowing I can fit it all in, deliver the goods…. with the cost of putting myself on the backburner. As a solopreneur, once in a while this is a wise move. Given one thing: that I take extra care of myself these upcoming months, ensure I stick to my daily rituals, that so vitalize me, makes me nourish connections and be aware of the contribution I am bringing to the world.

A month of deep inner discovery and exploration. Of expansion. This word that so lights me up. It’s like a balloon for me – filling with gas, rising higher and higher. Seeing more, encompassing more, taking in more. And at the same time, not just having focus on the “more”, but also revelling in all that is. The mix of the new and the old, that which has been within me for a long time, and that which is new. In fertile soil, new things sprout from the collisions of new and old, growth results, and I, I am walking around in my internal garden, like a happy gardener, tending, caring for, watering and weeding, as needed.

A month that makes me grateful for being alive. For living and breathing. Wholeheartedly.

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Wholeheartedness

January 1, 2017
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As I pondered intentions for the year ahead, wholeheartedness popped up, and stayed. That’s it. The word, as Brene Brown uses it, is all-encompassing and provides a backbone for me to lean upon, get strength from, and grow with.

Wholeheartedness.
For me, the word holds vulnerability, compassion, integration and resilience, connection and love, acceptance, joy and laughter. Living a life. Not surviving it. Living it. Fully. With up’s and down’s, tears of joy as well as sorrow, and simply riding the waves, making the most of them, paddling when necessary to position myself in the optimal space to be able to ride, ride, ride, as the wave lifts me up, letting me use the energy of it in an effortless way…. until it ends. Then there’s the paddling to get into position again.

This mix, of effort and effortlessness, never contrieved, not in a way that drains energy. Resilient stewardship of me, of my life, of making sure my onlyness is put to use in the best way possible, at the service of all, whatever that may look like.

Grandiose, perhaps you think. Full of myself. Who do I think I am, believing I have something to contribute to the world in this fashion? Well. I, like Marianne Williamson, believe we all have something to share:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

So I release myself from the fear of letting my light shine. I intend to (even more deeply) explore wholehearted living in 2017, which in the words of Brené Brown means:

“Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. It’s going to bed at night thinking, Yes I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid but that doesn’t change the truth that I am worthy of love and belonging.”

Wholehearted living 2017

2017 – my year for diving headfirst into wholehearted living.

Worthy of love and belonging – yes, I am – and you are too – hell yes!

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