Reflection

Live the beauty of today.

What my children learn watching me?

June 17, 2017
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propped up in bedToday is my birthday, and as I sit here, still propped up against the pillows in bed, getting ready for the day – which will be spent preparing for and having people over in the afternoon and evening – I come across this phrase:

”What are your children learning
as they watch you?”

I could ask them. Actually, that’s a good idea, I think I will, one day in the not too distant future.

I can also look within, and reflect upon what I wish and hope that the learn while watching me.

I hope my children learn (in no specific order)…
– to be gentle towards themselves.
– to laugh at all things possible to laugh at (and with).
– to be generous, both in spirit and with physical means that can grant relief to a fellow human.
– that it’s ok to experience all emotions possible to experience; to not be afraid of feeling whatever comes in the moment.
– to dream wildly and to do the work that will take them one step closer towards fulfilling that dream, and then another step, and another…
– to be kind in heart, helpful and openminded.
– to open their homes to those in need.
– that thoughts aren’t Truth, but rather a suggestion, that they, in each given moment, can ask How does this serve me?. And if the answer is It doesn’t, to know that they can let go of that thought, to let the next one come.
– the importance of thinking one step further – that the choices we make has implications down the line, not simply for us as individuals, but for all of us, for flora and fauna and the Earth itself.
– to enjoy life! The richness of it, the textures, smells and flavors, the vistas and thrills, the high’s and low’s of the eternal rollercoaster we call life!
– to love. Wholeheartedly. With all they’ve got.
– to dance through life, and especially, to dance with whom- och whatever comes knowing at the door.
the importance to look after ones Self, in spirit and body alike.
– to read! All the worlds available to us in the form of books is such a treasure.
– to ask questions and be forever curious.
– to be open to what wants to happen next.
– to grace life with beauty and tenderness as well as lots of hugs and kisses! You can never get too many hugs, that’s for sure.

I believe I could go on and on, listing all the things I wish my children learn from watching me; all the while knowing that I am not all of this at all times – far from it. It is my intention though, to live life wholeheartedly with these aims top of mind. And when I slip or forget, to get back on track and above all, to be gentle with myself at all times.

Inspired to continue blogging on the theme from the #blogg100-challenge in 2017 I give you:
The book “The parents Tao Te Ching” by William Martin.

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This is how it is for everyone.

June 15, 2017
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“Life’s energy is never static. It is as shifting, fluid, changing as the weather. Sometimes we like how we are feeling, sometimes we don’t. Then we like it again. Then we don’t. Happy and sad, comfortable and uncomfortable alternate continually. This is how it is for everyone.”

I’ve written many times about just this. The ever-changing nature of the human experience, and how the realization that this is what it’s like to live on earth as a human being, has changed my life. It has broadened my experience of life, giving me room to be; To fully experience each and every emotion and feeling that comes upon me – creeping up? Crashing down? All of it! – with less desire to be rid of it, to get through to the other side, to stop feeling what I am feeling and feel something else, something better, sweeter, softer, instead. No. I feel. I hurt, grieve, rage and despair. But also heal, rejoice, laugh and swoon. Neither feeling better or worse than the other. Some of them easier to be in than others, but neither of them bad or wrong, as feelings go. They simply are.

Sixten the dogJust before, I was in a state of confusion. Right now – hungry. Getting ready to get out of bed, do my morning Seven, take a shower, make myself my morning green smoothie and be in town at ten o’clock, a thirty minute bike ride to get there, with the added To-do of having to take Sixten the dog (we are dogsitting for a few days) on a walk before I take off, I am now starting to feel a bit pressed for time…

Because life’s energy is never static. It is as shifting, fluid, changing as the weather. Sometimes we like how we are feeling, sometimes we don’t. Then we like it again. Then we don’t. Happy and sad, comfortable and uncomfortable alternate continually. This is how it is for everyone.

Inspired to continue blogging on the theme from the #blogg100-challenge in 2017 I give you: The book “Taking the leap – Freeing ourselves from old habits and fears” by Pema Chödrön

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Leaving things alone.

June 13, 2017
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“Thanks to the migration of threes, the forest is constantly changing. And not just the forest – all of Nature. And that’s why so many human attempts to conserve particular landscapes fail. What we see is always a brief snapshot of a landscape that only seems to be standing still. The illusion is almost perfect in the forest, because trees are among the slowest-moving beings with which we share our world and changes in the natural forest are observable only over the course of many human generations. One of these changes is the arrival of new species.”trees

“Giant hogweed is considered extremely dangerous because its sap, in combination with ultraviolet light, can burn human skin. Every year, millions are spent digging up plants and destroying them, without any great success. However, hogweed can spread only because the original forested meadow along the banks of rivers and streams no longer exist. If these forests were to return, it would be so dark under the forest canopy that hogweed would disappear. The same goes for Himalayan balsam and Japanese knotweed, which also grow on the riverbanks in the absence of the forests. Trees could solve the problem if people trying to improve things would only allow them to take over.

That last sentence is certainly true for much more than the problem of invasive plants. What would life be like if I (and you? we?) would leave things alone to a greater extent than I do? And how to know when me trying my hardest to improve things is truly beneficial, and when it is not?

Inspired to continue blogging on the theme from the #blogg100-challenge in 2017 I give you:
The book “The hidden life of trees” by Peter Wohlleben.

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Being gentle to me – Reflection May ’17

May 25, 2017
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And so another month has passed in this thing we call Life. Capital L. Deliberately. Because that’s how I, today, believe Life should be lived, as if it’s something to pay attention to, to be deliberate and intentional about.

Well, that doesn’t feel very gentle; on the contrary, aren’t you putting a lot of pressure on yourself by stating this? As if Life is all about the results and performance, stacking up some pretty high expectations there, aren’t you?

No. That’s just it.
I don’t laden Life with high expectations, with a number of unspoken demands of result, or believes about what is the Right way to live it. At least, that’s not how I experience it nowadays. On the contrary. Life, to me, is filled with all sorts of events and non-events, the entire range of emoitions avilable to a human being and is somehow a container for everything between heaven and hell.

The difference lies in my wish to live Life with delibreration and intentionality, being aware and conscious. Loving fully – except when I can’t, and then I can practice not-loving fully. Laughing and having fun, contrasted by times when I am desperately sad and grieving.

come rain or shineCome rain or come shine, wherever you go, there you are Jon Kabat-Zinn says, and I think that sums it up. Knowing this, deep in my bones, while taking responsibility for what situations and surroundings I place myself in, the company I elect to keep, the stories I feed myself. This is how I live Life. Deliberate. Intentional. For me, these are words of possibilities, like champagne bubbles within. And what better way to be gentle to me than to live a Life of possibilities?

Welcome to my writings, where the underlying tone centers around being gentle to oneself. I reflect on a monthly basis on what that means to me, in the moment, and this is one of those reflections. I hope you enjoy it. If you do, please subscribe to updates so you won’t miss out on future reflections.

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Being gentle to me – Reflection April ’17

April 26, 2017
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I wonder if this last month has possibly been the month of me being the least gentle towards myself, that I’ve experienced in the past several years… A month of intense work and too little time to simply be. I haven’t been intentionally mean towards myself, not at all, but there’s been deadlines looming that have made me step into a get-it-done-mode where the soft and silent inner voice has been completely run over. Especially since I let that part of me run the show in February; a month where a lot of the work could have been done that I’ve been doing this month as a consequence.

And it’s ok. I mean, I am still fit as a fiddle, eating, sleeping (well… could do with a bit more sleep, truth be told), knitting and taking time for family gatherings, so it’s not been 100% work, far from it. And the masochist within takes some pleasure in the getting-it-done-mode also; it’s rewarding to see a delivery become more and more defined, pieces falling into place and making sense, not to mention the thrill at shipping it, only to be allowed to follow it up with an invoice for a job well done.Tired and lack-lustre

But I am tired.
Sit in the sofa yawning like crazy.
Feel lack-lustre.

It’s as if life is taking its toll, all of a sudden, and I just want to Be. Doing nothing. Throw away all ToDo’s, cancel all meetings and assignments; put life on Pause for a little while.

But I won’t. Because I don’t want to, truly.
But yes, postponing ToDo’s that are possible to postpone without serious consequences, for sure.
Saying no to meetings and or assignments that aren’t crucial, definitely.
Asking for help and assistance, as and when I need it; listening within and being open with my needs, you bet.
And stepping up for myself – hell yeah!

All in all, being gentler towards myself, supersizing on Gentleness this next month, as I replenish and recharge while simultaneously finishing off my last large assignment for the year.

Welcome to my humble abode, where the underlying tone centers around being gentle to oneself. I will be reflecting on a monthly basis on what that means to me, in the moment, and this is one of those reflections. I hope you enjoy it. If you do, please subscribe to updates so you won’t miss out on future reflections.
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Wholeheartedness – Reflection April ’17

April 1, 2017
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Ghost in the shellSitting in bed after having a slow morning. Went to the movies last night, the late night show, which I never ever go to. Except yesterday. And it was a nice break from what I usually do. Before the movies my friend Michael Sillion had thrown out an invitation to a #FutureDinner in the universe, and we ended up being five people at Satori, eating, talking, connecting; going deep.

It was a great experience, and I feel as if I’ve been shaken from my complacent and slightly lethargic “non-routine of socializing”, because truth be told, I’ve become more of a recluse since me and hubby separated, than any of us would have thought. I think I’ve needed it, but now, I think I need to start to aim myself outwards again. I mean, I am all about the inside and boy do I ever listen closely to whatever wants to happen, from within. But it’s time, to also listen more to what wants to happen without – me in the company of others. Wholeheartedly.

When Michael made the invite, I was so close to saying No thank you. Without really thinking about it. I managed to stop myself though, and deliberately decided to break out of my rut, by saying Yes, thank you, I’d love to join you!

It takes effort.
It’s easier, and less exhausting, to simply stay within the narrow confines of home and closest family. But I want more now. I want different. I want to spice up life, with other peoples input, thoughts, ideas, strange beliefs making me go: Huh, never thought about that, how fascinating!

So – anybody wanna join me and the kids for dinner tonight?

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Wholeheartedness – Reflection March ’17

March 1, 2017
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Another month of having wholeheartedness as my intention for the year. During this month, I’ve been deliberately trying to step out from a middle man position that I’ve put myself in. I’ve been encouraged to, in some ways, but I cannot put the responsibility on anybody but myself. Sometimes I volunteer, and sometimes I’m invited to step into the situation, as a middle man, a go-between, a translator of sorts, but I am the one who accepts or rejects the proposition. And I’ve started to reject it. To say No, I won’t do this, anymore. It’s not good for me, and it’s not good for you either. It has me meddling in business that’s not mine to meddle in.

middle manI do find it challenging though… I’ve done it for so long, it feels very normal to do, and I experience a certain amount of discomfort when I don’t.

Lots of thoughts whirling around in my head, thoughts that generate a feeling of fear, of anxiety, of worry. Both for the people that are involved, but also for myself.

Who am I, if I am not the middle man? What space will open up for me, when I let go of this meddling? What might come of it?

There is both excitement and fear there – because who am I, to you, if I am not “assisting you” in this? Will you no longer depend on me (no, that’s the whole point, duh!)? Am I then no longer important to you?

And you – what will you do with the space that’s opening up, when I no longer inhabit it? Will any of you step into it? Take on the responsibility yourselves, for communicating in such a way that translation is no longer necessary? Speak, and listen, listen and speak, until you are in agreement of what it is you, both of you, are trying to convey? Making sure there’s respect for the feelings of the other, even if there might not be understanding – because the striving for understanding often seems to push you two farther apart, more than anything else? 

And there I go again… getting into – rather than stepping out of – it. So I remind myself – again – to let go. Because the only way for something new to come into this equation, if for me to let go, in order to let come that which wants to happen.

Breathe in, a long, deep, slow breath… and slowly let go, of my position as middle man. It’s served me, and you, to some extent. But it is time to let it go, hard as it might be. Or, for that matter, perhaps it might not be hard at all?

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Being gentle to me – Reflection February ’17

February 27, 2017
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It’s been an odd month. A lot of hopelessness and despair, frustration and fear, surrounding me. So what have I been doing to be gentle to me, under these conditions? Well… I’ve let myself off the hook, in many ways. I’ve let up on some of the requirements I normally meet, have let my confused and muddled mind be. A lot of knitting, which for me is a very relaxing activity, where my brain can simply let go. A lot of The Good Wife on Netflix, which works perfectly together with the knitting. I’ve not had the wherewithal to read, so no books. I’ve not been able to make myself focus on some aspects of work, so less of that as well. I’ve done the top priority activities, but cut back on the rest.

Wellbeing picking up againAnd now?
Well. The wellbeing is picking up, on all fronts, mine as well as for those in my surroundings. And it makes it easier to start to focus again, to get into the aspects of work that I’ve not been able to make myself sit down with in the past month. The items that require a bit more from me, a coherent thought, an arc of intention, that demands my full attention. And today, for the first time in a few weeks, I finally truly felt that again. So I enjoyed it, getting into the flow of things, of digging around in a system, searching for the common thread, pondering the best way to recreate it, into a new system, utilizing the best from the old, and trying to let go of the less good bits.

And throughout it all – this underlying knowing that it’s not forever. It will not last, the sense of hopelessness, the lack of energy due to despair. It cannot. Nothing ever does. The flux of life will pick up it’s frequency again, starting to swing back and forth, back and forth, providing me with high’s and low’s. Coupled with the knowledge that whatever it is I am not doing, is noting that won’t keep, the worst case scenarios of me not giving it my all – for a month – simply aren’t that bad, even if I use all of my imagination.

So. Being gentle to me this past month has been about cutting myself some slack, allowing me to recharge my batteries and giving me space to simply Be.

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The shape-shifting of life

February 24, 2017
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The changes… Think back a month or two, to the despair, anxiety, worry for the future. And look at where you are at today! Filled with hope, in love with life and others, a bounce in your step’s that you couldn’t even imagine a few months back.

This, is life.
Truly, this is what life is about.

The constant evolving of a present, that shape-shifts constantly. Harsh and cold at one time, embracing and warm the next. Anxiousness abounds, to be replaced by being in love. The heartwreanching loneliness, to never be loved again, held, desired and caressed, replaced by the closeness of two bodies, breathing in the breath of a loved one in a passionate kiss.

Shape-shifting
How life can be at the very bottom… with the instinct to shut it off, let go, and simply never have to live through another millisecond of pain. And then. You go on, not letting go, not ending life, and all of a sudden, there’s this tiny tiny shift in the darkness, one ray of light entering a crack, and simsalabim, it’s daylight. Bright and shiny, and hope abounds again. Yet again.

This is, to some extent, my story.
But more than that, it’s yours. You whom I have followed, and held, and loved, and cried with. My soul-sister in life, in exploring with vulnerability, what it means to live wholeheartedly. With intent. Openness to what may come.

And see – what has come, you would not have thought just a few weeks ago. And yet, here it is.

Life. Fantastic. Frustrating. Filled with fear and then… not!
The shape-shifting of life, is perhaps, what makes life worth living?

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