Divorced. Again.

Divorced. Again.

Divorced. Again.

March 27, 2018
/ / /

Here I am – divorced for the second time.
This is not what I intended. But it’s what happened.

Sad?
Well, yes, sure it’s sad. I didn’t want this. Until the moment came when I actually did want it. Because that’s how it works – all of a sudden perspectives change, an insight put’s everything into a different light. I can see the sadness in life not turning out the way I wanted to, but at the same time, I’m not sad about it. I have no regrets. Fact is what I feel more than anything is gratitude that both of us, I and my ex-husband, to a large extent have – and have had – the ability to keep a cool head as well as a warm and gentle heart throughout the process från separation to settled divorce, with agreements on property settlements to child alimony and all of the other things that follows, when two souls are in the process of untangling themselves from each others lives.

The difference in my life isn’t that big either, to be honest. I still live in the house; I love it here and am very happy we’ve found a solution enabling me to stay put. The kids decide themselves how they want it, where to live and when (mostly). Kids and kids… little brother might still count as one, but the 18 year old will soon graduate, so there is a limit to the time remaining for her to “live at home”.

I ponder what makes me so calm and collected within. Perhaps because I’ve let it take its time? Or rather: I’ve let myself take the time I’ve needed to. Time to feel, time to cry, to grieve, to land in new circumstances.

I-carry-with-me-the-best-of-memoriesPerhaps because I’ve let thoughts and corresponding feelings come and go? I haven’t attached myself to any feeling as such, I’ve simply let them come, fill me up, and then I’ve let them pass through. Sometimes fast, sometimes really slow – all the while safe in the understanding that whatever I feel in the moment, it will pass. Another thought will come, eventually. No feeling is static. Ever.

And like Pernilla says – grief and joy go hand in hand, are best friends. The grief I experience when something has run its course is all about the flow of joy, love and compassion, all about the experiences. Delighting in what has been, that no longer is. Grateful for all I’ve been through, all I’ve learned, all that has arisen on account of this specific relationship. I carry with me the best of memories, and look to the future with a curious mind, all the while keeping my focus in the here and now, living and enjoying myself to the fullest.

10 Comments

  1. Aryel Walett March 27, 2018 11:30

    Thank You for your post that touches me in heart and soul.

    Reply
  2. Viveka Hansson March 27, 2018 11:44

    ❤🙏❤👶❤🙏 Insightful and wisely put! With your heart on the sleeve!

    Reply
    • Helena Roth March 28, 2018 21:20

      I think that’s where my heart has resided for many a years by now. It’s where I like to keep it.
      <3

      Reply
  3. Iwan March 27, 2018 14:51

    It’s amazing how a deep understanding of how the internal Operatingsystem works can take us trough the most pressing times in our life. ❤️🙏😎

    Reply
    • Helena Roth March 28, 2018 21:20

      Yes. And it proves to me how our wellbeing is an internally operated system and set up!

      Reply
  4. Andrea March 27, 2018 20:34

    Amazing reflection and thank you for sharing❣️

    Reply
    • Helena Roth March 28, 2018 21:19

      Thank you – it felt good to “get it out there”.
      <3

      Reply
  5. Darcy March 28, 2018 20:39

    Thank you for letting us know what’s going on for you. I know that grief and that relief. It comes and goes for our whole lives in one way or another, doesn’t it? But I am sorry for your loss and happy for your future.

    Reply
    • Helena Roth March 28, 2018 21:19

      It sure does. The ebb and flow of life – inherent to the human experience!
      <3

      Reply

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