Writings

#blogg100 – At ease with my body.

#blogg100 – At ease with my body.

June 3, 2017
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”All young children are naturallyshaming you
at ease with their bodies.
As they grow, they are shamed by others
and become self-conscious and filled with tension.”

I look at my children – and know, this is true.
I look at myself – and know, this is true.
I look around me, at other children I know, at friends and relatives, and at complete strangers – and know, this is true.
And even worse… I help in the shaming. Often unwittingly, unknowingly… But sometimes – oh how it breaks my heart to confess to this – with my full awareness, deliberately, consciously…

Children are not self-conscious, until we – I? Society? Culture? – makes them so?! And in truth, it’s not being self-consious in itself that’s the problem, but rather that we – I? Society? Culture? – are painting a picture of what is the desired state of being, a picture that all but a few individuals would ever be able to fit into, neither physically or psychologically.

Isn’t it strange that being self-consious has negative connotations? When in reality, it should be a good thing. Being consious of my self, aware, knowing myself well, open to my inner life, my thoughts and feelings – how has that become a negative thing? Because of the comparisons? The constant comparisons we are engaged in, to the thin, tall yet voluptous and willing women and the tanned, muscular and sexy men we see all around ut (photoshopped into perfection) on billboards and commercials, in music videos and movies, but very seldom, extremely rarely, in real life, as flesh and blood people walking beside us? Not even the photoshopped-into-perfection-people look like their perfect self in real life, in flesh and blood.

What a weird world. How is this serving us – both on an individual level and as a society? Is it? How is it helping us to become resilient human beings, creating a sustainable way of life for us, our children, grand-children and generations to come? What if… instead of making our children self-consious and filled with tension, we helped them become self-consious, aware, and filled with an urge to be self-honoring. Self-honoring, this wonderful concept my coach invited into my life.

Self-honoring; Honoring my self in all manners possible – which also includes letting go of the limiting and harmful images of what a Perfect Woman and a Perfect Man is supposed to look like? Being at ease with my body – the best way I can encourage children all around me, to remain at ease with their bodies? Being at ease with my body; even though I am not, fully. Not yet. Getting there – one step at a time. Wanting to be, completely.

#Blogg100 challenge in 2017 – post number 95 of 100.
The book “The parents Tao Te Ching” by William Martin.
English posts here, Swedish at herothecoach.com.

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#blogg100 – Beyond the simple and quiet words.

June 2, 2017
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“[…] do not think that the man who seeks to comfort you lives untroubled among the simple and quiet words which sometimes do you good. His life has much hardship and sadness and lags far behind you. If it were otherwise, he could never have found those words.”

multi-dimensionalI was reminded of these words by Rilke – penned in a letter to the young poet, corresponding with Rilke back and forth; letters which have been turned into the book Letters to a young poet, a book which I’ve read a couple of times, and will definitely revisit again, when the time is right – during a CoachWalk with a client. The blissed-out-and-always-happy-camper-personas that sometimes is what comes across, in interaction with someone in one form or another, I perceive as shallow and one-dimensional. And as I honestly don’t think anyone actually can be one-dimensional, I conclude that they probably aren’t, even though it seems to me, they work hard at making it appear as if they are.

Anyway. People are not one-dimensional, we are multi-dimensional, and as such, the entire spectrum of emotions is present, at one time or another. For me, it’s a deliberate choice to try to share not just a few ”happy and blissed out”-aspects of my emotional spectrum, but to share a broader range of what I face, as a soul having a human experience here on Earth. Come hell or high water, I try to let myself feel it all. Sometimes that can be very painful. And sometimes it’s bliss!

People that I, in turn, listen to, speaking words that sometimes does me good – are multi-dimensional as well. Light and shadow – co-existing and in the contrast of one against the other, I gain a sense of perspective and – sometimes – a touch of wisdom, coming to me in the form of insights. I try to listen to the words that are being said, because I do think words matter, but at the same time, I know that what’s behind the words matter even more. Sydney Banks takes it even one step further when he states that:

“Words are merely a form. Listen not to words, but to that which words attempt to convey.”

That’s what I believe was the difference that made a difference in the life of the young poet – he noticed something in the direction of the words that Rilke wrote, something that gave him the strength to carry on writing.

For me to be able to listen to that which the words are attempting to convey, I have to be open to what happens within me, while listening. Sometimes easy, sometimes hard; but as I persist, in time, it does get less and less hard I’ve found. It’s as if I’m fine-tuning my ability to listen beyond the words, picking up on smaller and smaller nuances, getting to know myself on a deeper level. Beyond the simple and quiet words.

#Blogg100 challenge in 2017 – post number 94 of 100.
A mash-up of the book “Letters to a Young Poet” by Rainer Maria Rilke and “The missing link” by Sydney Banks.
English posts here, Swedish at
herothecoach.com.

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Wholeheartedness – Reflection June ’17

June 1, 2017
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A month has passed, when I could no longer deny the soft whisperings of wisdom from within. I cried, I wrote, I refused to see the obvious, as it was laid out in front of me… but with the help of good friends, I finally opened my eyes, my mind and my heart, so that I could see – with all senses – what I have been trying to deny, for some time now.

I first spoke it into the world, in a sharing circle, with three wise ladies who simply held me. No words necessary; held in a loving silence, embraced by warmth and acceptance. A safe haven to give birth to this insight.

And, like with learning to ride a bike, or learning how to read, once it’s learned – it cannot be unlearned. The same is valid here. Once I’d spoken this truth into the world, it became solid. Impossible for me to continue to ignore.

farewell. and welcomeIt’s not been a fast process. It’s taken its time. Like a child in the womb, needing nine months to develop, this too, has been a period of gestation, needing months to develop. And finally – I was ready for it. In pain, in joy; both dreading and rejoicing in the occasion.

With my whole heart, I am taking steps forward, expanding into a new reality.

Letting go; letting come.
Farewell. And welcome!

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#blogg100 – You are not.

May 31, 2017
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”You may feel alone,
and separated,
and powerless.
But you are not.”

At times… it can feel like I am.
Alone.
Separated.
Powerless.

But it is, as always, a feeling, stemming from a thought. And thoughts aren’t Truth, to be taken at face value. Thoughts are thoughts, and like some of the more obviously ridiculous ones, all thoughts can be treated with a bit of a distance. Look at them, while asking yourself How does this serve me?

Taking thoughts seriously is a choice I make. And as it is a choice, why not be deliberate in my intentions – choosing to take seriously thoughts that do serve me, rather than the ones that do not?

you are notThis does not mean I do not feel alone. Separated. Sad. Angry. Upset, grieving, confused. Any and all shapes feelings can take on – they are there. I experience them, from time to time. It simply means, that when I’m in this emotional space and place, my bigger Self often step forward, gently hugging me, telling me I’m ok, and saying Look, there’s a thought that’s making you feel really bad. How is that serving you?

Making it possible for me to not only experience, but simultaneously observe, bear witness. And, most importantly, allow me a moment of pause, to make my deliberate decision, whether or not to continue to focus on the feeling, or not.

Because.
I may feel alone, separated and powerless.
But.
I. Am. Not.

#Blogg100 challenge in 2017 – post number 92 of 100.
The book “The parents Tao Te Ching” by William Martin.
English posts here, Swedish at herothecoach.com.

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#blogg100 – Gone for good.

May 29, 2017
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”…and then something inexplicable happened. Something great and timeless and beautiful and confounding just disappeared. Something was gone… gone for good.”

Death can cause great, timeless, beautiful and confounding things disappear. These words are written to describe what happened in the room when Clarence Clemons died. But great, timeless, beautiful and confounding things must not be fellow humans. It can be other things, any thing, of great and timeless beauty; a thing that, one day, is simply gone.

The MeYouWe of a relationship that suddenly shifts, inexplicably, whenever Me or You shift to our core. Making the MeYouWe transform and turn into something else, a totally new entity. An unknown, making it’s first rounds of the world, not certain of its place in time and space. Wanted? Not wanted?

The desperation when Me or You try to hold on, try to make the ghost of MeYouWe rise again, take form, reappear as it were… even though that is not possible. Not once a Me or a You have made a profound transformation.

It. Is. Not. Possible.
MeYouWe as it was, is no more.
A new MeYouWe might emerge. Or not. Because BoldomaticPost_People-come-into-our-lives-fopeople come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime, as someone wise once told me – I’ve forgotten when and from whom I learned of it. The words have stayed with me, and have granted me release when looking back at long lost relationships, where for one reason or another, the MeYouWe that existed – suddenly, inexplicably – disappeared, however great, timeless, beautiful and confounding it may have been. Gone. Be it for a reason or a season, off it went.

Silently, within the confines of my inner dialogue, softly, I whisper to myself: people come into my life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. And I cannot know which, until it becomes apparent. Friends for life; suddenly no longer a part of my day-to-day existence, however unimaginable that notion might have seemed. With gratitude, warmth, and love for what was, I can let go, in order to let come… a new friend? A new love? Never knowing, and not needing to know, if this will be the commencement of a relationship of a reason – a season – or lifetime.

It will be. Either one. And that’s as it should be.
And then something inexplicable might happen…

#Blogg100 challenge in 2017 – post number 90 of 100.
The book “Born to run” by Bruce Springsteen.
English posts here, Swedish at herothecoach.com.

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Beyond the regrets of the dying

May 28, 2017
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in Tip
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regretsPodcast-Sunday. Yet again. And I don’t know what to write about, what to recommend. Not because there’s not a lot of options – I have listened to hundreds of podcast episodes I’d gladly share with you, on any given day. But today, I am feeling vulnerable, naked, bared to the bones. And I don’t know how to match my sentiment with a podcast recommendation… something I don’t have to do. But I want to. Truly. So after giving it some thought, I gift you with Bronnie Ware on Good Life Project: Beyond the 5 regrets of the dying.

*deep sigh*

I think I’ll just leave it at that… no, wait, I don’t want to send you off to listen to Bronnie Ware and Jonathan Fields with a sense of despair and possible pending doom.

*taking a deep breath, gathering strength*

Perhaps you’ve heard of Bronnie Ware, the palliative carer who tended many dying people, and finally sat down to write about their top regrets, and the lessons Bronnie learned from their lives. It went viral, with good cause. The top five regrets were as follows:

  1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
  2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
  3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
  4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
  5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is not what the conversation centers on though. You can read the blog post, or the book, if you want to delve deeper into these regrets, and possibly take stock of your life, and how you are faring in each of the five.

What Bronnie and Jonathan are in conversation about goes above and beyond these life lessons. Bronnie tells the story of her somewhat unusual childhood, sharing visions of endless dark and starry nights, of silence and empathy, and of letting come that which wants to come, which is precisely the state I am in right here, right now. Letting go, in order to let come that which wants to come.

In 2015 I ran a series on herothecoach.com with Sunday postings of podcasts to my liking. In 2017 I will be re-posting some of those blog posts, mixing them up with new podcast recommendations, such as this one.

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#blogg100 – The hidden life of trees.

May 27, 2017
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This book, written in a wonderfully gentle and inviting way, is making me gasp, drop my jaw and realize the extent of my (and our!) ignorance. I simply did not know… and neither, likely, do you. Did you know that trees can taste? Smell? Feel? Communicate with their peers? That they collaborate in the most amazing manner, both within their own species, but also with other species – especially fungi – and  even with other tree species at times?

“I encourage you to look around where you live. What dramas are being played out in wooded areas you can explore? How are commerce and survival balanced in the forests and woodlands you know? This book is a lens to help you take a closer look at what you might have taken for granted. Slow down, breathe deep, and look around. What can you hear? What do you see? How do you feel?”

He writes about trees, wooded areas and forests… and it made my recent visit to a forest quite different compared to previous visits – as I looked around me, trying to take in all of the activities happening around me, activities I was blind to before. Most of which are actually invisible to the eye, and yet, knowing about them made the forest around me buzz in a way I’ve never experience before.

Dalby Söderskog

All the while I’m thinking of trees, I also hear Wohlleben talking directly to me. Asking me to take a deeper look at life, my life; my hidden life?

“This book is a lens to help you take a closer look at what you might have taken for granted. Slow down, breathe deep, and look around. What can you hear? What do you see? How do you feel?”

#Blogg100 challenge in 2017 – post number 88 of 100.
The book “The hidden life of trees” by Peter Wohlleben.
English posts here, Swedish at herothecoach.com.

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#blogg100 – Two to tango.

May 26, 2017
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”Battles require two parties.
One fighting alone soon tires.”

In the same way that it takes two to tango, right?!

But oh, can this be a tough nut to crack. Actually trying to live it is not the easiest, that’s for sure. I gather it’s not just the situation at hand that makes it hard to choose my battles wisely, it’s so much more.

History – what I’ve experienced before, in similar situations; what I thought then and how that made me feel.

Preconceived notions, about child-rearing and parenthood, about being a woman, a mother, a wife, a daughter, a colleague, boss, friend.

The ingrained patterns I’ve picked up along the way, making for quick and easy shortcuts from stimuli to full on battle in the blink of an eyelid… before I’ve had a chance to collect my wits and ask myself: what serves me here? What’s the best me to bring to the situation? And if I cannot, what can I do to pause this before anyone gets hurt?

battlingBut once in a while, I manage to disengage – or not engage at all to begin with – from an ongoing fight, and yes, it’s quite amazing what happens when the tension is released. Because that’s what battling requires – two (or more) parties exerting tension; one pushing, the other shoving; one shouting, the other shouting louder; one throwing a punch, the other dodging, getting ready to throw a punch of his or her own. When I use my energy for something other than battling you;  no longer applying the tension that helps you define your position – both of us has a chance to get a new perspective upon the situation we’re in. And then… anything can happen!

#Blogg100 challenge in 2017 – post number 87 of 100.
The book “The parents Tao Te Ching” by William Martin.
English posts here, Swedish at herothecoach.com.

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Being gentle to me – Reflection May ’17

May 25, 2017
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And so another month has passed in this thing we call Life. Capital L. Deliberately. Because that’s how I, today, believe Life should be lived, as if it’s something to pay attention to, to be deliberate and intentional about.

Well, that doesn’t feel very gentle; on the contrary, aren’t you putting a lot of pressure on yourself by stating this? As if Life is all about the results and performance, stacking up some pretty high expectations there, aren’t you?

No. That’s just it.
I don’t laden Life with high expectations, with a number of unspoken demands of result, or believes about what is the Right way to live it. At least, that’s not how I experience it nowadays. On the contrary. Life, to me, is filled with all sorts of events and non-events, the entire range of emoitions avilable to a human being and is somehow a container for everything between heaven and hell.

The difference lies in my wish to live Life with delibreration and intentionality, being aware and conscious. Loving fully – except when I can’t, and then I can practice not-loving fully. Laughing and having fun, contrasted by times when I am desperately sad and grieving.

come rain or shineCome rain or come shine, wherever you go, there you are Jon Kabat-Zinn says, and I think that sums it up. Knowing this, deep in my bones, while taking responsibility for what situations and surroundings I place myself in, the company I elect to keep, the stories I feed myself. This is how I live Life. Deliberate. Intentional. For me, these are words of possibilities, like champagne bubbles within. And what better way to be gentle to me than to live a Life of possibilities?

Welcome to my writings, where the underlying tone centers around being gentle to oneself. I reflect on a monthly basis on what that means to me, in the moment, and this is one of those reflections. I hope you enjoy it. If you do, please subscribe to updates so you won’t miss out on future reflections.

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#blogg100 – Changed.

May 22, 2017
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“We could easily be made to believe that nothing had happened, and yet we have been changed, as a house is changed into which a guest has entered.”

Do you notice how you change? Day by day, year by year, and finally, decade by decade?

Sometimes it’s hard to notice how I change over time; the change itself slips me by somehow. It’s as if I cannot put a finger on it, being too subtle a change to pinpoint. Really only obvious once I am face to face with myself, in a situation where my actions – or lack thereof – are so completely different to what I would have done in the past. Startling at times, or shocking. Sometimes I give myself a great big self-hug, so pleased at the apparent change.

changeThe other day, texting with dear and close friends, I realized that one significant change in me, is how I’ve come to accept what is, to a degee that I never have before. When I talk to clients about my current understanding of acceptance, I show it, physically. Not accepting, I stand, turning backwards, and fight what is. Spend all my energy trying to un-make what is, which never works, by the way. It is a futile war waged against the past, trying to undo what has already occurred. With acceptance, I turn, facing ahead, knowing what is is, using my energy more deliberately, to create and to instigate a change that I am attracted to and excited about.

The difference this has caused in how I experience my life, is so grand I don’t know what words to use to describe it. A large part of it is the energy-conservation – not wasting my energy fighting what is. With the energy not spent in futility, the possibility for creation is… ripe, apparent, infinite? Always and already, creation is right there at my fingertips; anything can happen, anytime.

#Blogg100 challenge in 2017 – post number 83 of 100.
The book “Letters to a Young Poet” by Rainer Maria Rilke.
English posts here, Swedish at herothecoach.com.

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