Search Results for wholeheartedness

Wholeheartedness – Reflection December ’17

Wholeheartedness – Reflection December ’17

December 25, 2017
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My final reflective blog post on the intention I placed upon 2017: Wholeheartedness – living life wholeheartedly. I’ve already started to reflect quite a lot on my upcoming yearly intention, earlier than what has normally been the case for me. So the intention for 2018 feels like it’s one born out of necessity, out of a willingness and urge to explore what might come with a year of intentional living… but not so fast, my dear. I have yet to do this final reflection on wholeheartedness.

wholehearted me december 2017Given all the ups and downs of 2017, I have most definitely been aided by having this intention. Not letting myself forget, that it’s my life, it’s my heart, and I am the one in charge of making, creating, shaping my life in a manner most coherent with my beliefs, wishes, desires, aspirations, goals, values – call it whatever you like, I am still the one in charge. It’s on me.

And nowadays, for me, that’s a very hopeful and inspiring statement to make: I’m in charge. It’s on me.

The old Helena would have been intimidated by it, scared, and most of all, reluctant to honor it – reluctant to honor myself, in a sense, not believing I had it in me, not wanting to own my life and my experiences, believing life was easier if someone else was responsible. But alas – that’s not how it works. No one else can be responsible, because I am the one who shape my experience of my life. It comes from within. Being open to that, to all of my experiences, sure makes a difference. And that, in and of itself, is perhaps a definition of wholeheartedness? Not shying away from anything, not even the stuff most difficult to face, the bits and pieces of me that I have spun stories around, making it shameful, despicable, unworthy.

Being open to all of me, my whole heart, has helped me put less and less weight upon the stories I spin that are no longer serving me – and with that I have more energy for that which serves me: such as living a wholehearted life.

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Wholeheartedness – Reflection (July, August and) September ’17

October 5, 2017
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pop and meHere’s another one of those monthly reflections that I haven’t written, not since the beginning of June! So here I am, pondering the concept of wholeheartedness and how it’s materialized in my life these past four months, and what I can see is a lack of drama.

Not because there’s not been ample opportunity to engage in drama, oh no, far from it. Living and working amongst other people – there’s always the opportunity to engage in drama. Always.

So the difference lies rather in how little I’ve engaged in it. I mean, I’ve weaned myself off drama for a long time (starting in 1995 or so, when I ditched watching the news on TV, I just could not stomach it any more!), and more so these past few years for certain, but recently, I’ve engaged in it even less, which feels great.

I’m not aware if this has been an intentional decision – which I guess points to the fact that it hasn’t been. But regardless, getting less and less interested in engaging in drama truly makes for a different and – in my case at least – sweeter experience of life.

Do you understand what I mean when I say ”I’m not engaging in drama”?

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Wholeheartedness – Reflection June ’17

June 1, 2017
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A month has passed, when I could no longer deny the soft whisperings of wisdom from within. I cried, I wrote, I refused to see the obvious, as it was laid out in front of me… but with the help of good friends, I finally opened my eyes, my mind and my heart, so that I could see – with all senses – what I have been trying to deny, for some time now.

I first spoke it into the world, in a sharing circle, with three wise ladies who simply held me. No words necessary; held in a loving silence, embraced by warmth and acceptance. A safe haven to give birth to this insight.

And, like with learning to ride a bike, or learning how to read, once it’s learned – it cannot be unlearned. The same is valid here. Once I’d spoken this truth into the world, it became solid. Impossible for me to continue to ignore.

farewell. and welcomeIt’s not been a fast process. It’s taken its time. Like a child in the womb, needing nine months to develop, this too, has been a period of gestation, needing months to develop. And finally – I was ready for it. In pain, in joy; both dreading and rejoicing in the occasion.

With my whole heart, I am taking steps forward, expanding into a new reality.

Letting go; letting come.
Farewell. And welcome!

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Wholeheartedness – Reflection May ’17

May 4, 2017
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Dropping all againstness. No. Not even dropping it. Not an act, I’ve not deliberately dropped anything, it simply vanished, disappeared into thin air. No more struggling against that which is, against that which is not, trying to transform what is or is not into the opposite position.

Feeling scared. At first.
Feeling ashamed. As well.

And then… those feelings went the same way as all my againstness; one day, simply gone.

Now. A touch of sadness remains, but also tranquility. I am with the isness of it all; nothing more, nothing less. Just that. All of it. In the isness, all that is, and all that is not is contained; held in a space of love where all is, as it is.

Wholehearted?
You bet! All of it. Every last piece of it. It’s all there.isness

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Wholeheartedness – Reflection April ’17

April 1, 2017
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Ghost in the shellSitting in bed after having a slow morning. Went to the movies last night, the late night show, which I never ever go to. Except yesterday. And it was a nice break from what I usually do. Before the movies my friend Michael Sillion had thrown out an invitation to a #FutureDinner in the universe, and we ended up being five people at Satori, eating, talking, connecting; going deep.

It was a great experience, and I feel as if I’ve been shaken from my complacent and slightly lethargic “non-routine of socializing”, because truth be told, I’ve become more of a recluse since me and hubby separated, than any of us would have thought. I think I’ve needed it, but now, I think I need to start to aim myself outwards again. I mean, I am all about the inside and boy do I ever listen closely to whatever wants to happen, from within. But it’s time, to also listen more to what wants to happen without – me in the company of others. Wholeheartedly.

When Michael made the invite, I was so close to saying No thank you. Without really thinking about it. I managed to stop myself though, and deliberately decided to break out of my rut, by saying Yes, thank you, I’d love to join you!

It takes effort.
It’s easier, and less exhausting, to simply stay within the narrow confines of home and closest family. But I want more now. I want different. I want to spice up life, with other peoples input, thoughts, ideas, strange beliefs making me go: Huh, never thought about that, how fascinating!

So – anybody wanna join me and the kids for dinner tonight?

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Wholeheartedness – Reflection March ’17

March 1, 2017
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Another month of having wholeheartedness as my intention for the year. During this month, I’ve been deliberately trying to step out from a middle man position that I’ve put myself in. I’ve been encouraged to, in some ways, but I cannot put the responsibility on anybody but myself. Sometimes I volunteer, and sometimes I’m invited to step into the situation, as a middle man, a go-between, a translator of sorts, but I am the one who accepts or rejects the proposition. And I’ve started to reject it. To say No, I won’t do this, anymore. It’s not good for me, and it’s not good for you either. It has me meddling in business that’s not mine to meddle in.

middle manI do find it challenging though… I’ve done it for so long, it feels very normal to do, and I experience a certain amount of discomfort when I don’t.

Lots of thoughts whirling around in my head, thoughts that generate a feeling of fear, of anxiety, of worry. Both for the people that are involved, but also for myself.

Who am I, if I am not the middle man? What space will open up for me, when I let go of this meddling? What might come of it?

There is both excitement and fear there – because who am I, to you, if I am not “assisting you” in this? Will you no longer depend on me (no, that’s the whole point, duh!)? Am I then no longer important to you?

And you – what will you do with the space that’s opening up, when I no longer inhabit it? Will any of you step into it? Take on the responsibility yourselves, for communicating in such a way that translation is no longer necessary? Speak, and listen, listen and speak, until you are in agreement of what it is you, both of you, are trying to convey? Making sure there’s respect for the feelings of the other, even if there might not be understanding – because the striving for understanding often seems to push you two farther apart, more than anything else? 

And there I go again… getting into – rather than stepping out of – it. So I remind myself – again – to let go. Because the only way for something new to come into this equation, if for me to let go, in order to let come that which wants to happen.

Breathe in, a long, deep, slow breath… and slowly let go, of my position as middle man. It’s served me, and you, to some extent. But it is time to let it go, hard as it might be. Or, for that matter, perhaps it might not be hard at all?

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Wholeheartedness – Reflection February ’17 

February 1, 2017
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A month of having wholeheartedness as my intention for the year.
staying togetherA month of breakthroughs.
Where me and my husband have made a decision to stay together while continuing to live apart.

Where I have seen patterns of old, patterns that no longer serve me or anyone around me for that matter. And just seeing patterns like this, means they start to fall apart, no longer the easiest route for my system to revert to when triggered. The path no longer represents the automatic and unconcious way ahead.

Where I see how easy it is for me to say Yes. To be open to opportunity, to possibility. Saying Yes, and learning new things. And yet. Also cramming my schedule. Knowing I can fit it all in, deliver the goods…. with the cost of putting myself on the backburner. As a solopreneur, once in a while this is a wise move. Given one thing: that I take extra care of myself these upcoming months, ensure I stick to my daily rituals, that so vitalize me, makes me nourish connections and be aware of the contribution I am bringing to the world.

A month of deep inner discovery and exploration. Of expansion. This word that so lights me up. It’s like a balloon for me – filling with gas, rising higher and higher. Seeing more, encompassing more, taking in more. And at the same time, not just having focus on the “more”, but also revelling in all that is. The mix of the new and the old, that which has been within me for a long time, and that which is new. In fertile soil, new things sprout from the collisions of new and old, growth results, and I, I am walking around in my internal garden, like a happy gardener, tending, caring for, watering and weeding, as needed.

A month that makes me grateful for being alive. For living and breathing. Wholeheartedly.

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Wholeheartedness

January 1, 2017
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As I pondered intentions for the year ahead, wholeheartedness popped up, and stayed. That’s it. The word, as Brene Brown uses it, is all-encompassing and provides a backbone for me to lean upon, get strength from, and grow with.

Wholeheartedness.
For me, the word holds vulnerability, compassion, integration and resilience, connection and love, acceptance, joy and laughter. Living a life. Not surviving it. Living it. Fully. With up’s and down’s, tears of joy as well as sorrow, and simply riding the waves, making the most of them, paddling when necessary to position myself in the optimal space to be able to ride, ride, ride, as the wave lifts me up, letting me use the energy of it in an effortless way…. until it ends. Then there’s the paddling to get into position again.

This mix, of effort and effortlessness, never contrieved, not in a way that drains energy. Resilient stewardship of me, of my life, of making sure my onlyness is put to use in the best way possible, at the service of all, whatever that may look like.

Grandiose, perhaps you think. Full of myself. Who do I think I am, believing I have something to contribute to the world in this fashion? Well. I, like Marianne Williamson, believe we all have something to share:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

So I release myself from the fear of letting my light shine. I intend to (even more deeply) explore wholehearted living in 2017, which in the words of Brené Brown means:

“Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. It’s going to bed at night thinking, Yes I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid but that doesn’t change the truth that I am worthy of love and belonging.”

Wholehearted living 2017

2017 – my year for diving headfirst into wholehearted living.

Worthy of love and belonging – yes, I am – and you are too – hell yes!

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Fare-thee-well

April 12, 2019
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It’s as if I’ve awakened, after a long hibernation.
Or perhaps, I truly was born again, born anew, on the bus to Sjöbo, listening to Arvo Pärt giving a commencement speech?

Something has shifted.

There is more energy.
More drive. More guts.
Courage. Clarity.

More more more…
Yes.

But.
Not in a sense of needing more; that Sisyphus-like struggle to push the rock up the hill, only to have it roll down to the bottom again. Endlessly striving, struggling. A hopeless mission of trying to fill a void, impossible to fill.

Not that type of more.

Rather, the type where it is simply more because I’ve released yet another layer of limits. Of boundaries that no longer serve me. Of protective coverings, put in place at a time when I was served by them. Kept in place, year upon year, decade upon decade, if nothing else but for the fact that other layers of protection were added on top. Layer upon layer.

Slowly. Throughout these past twenty years, one by one, I’ve dismantled them. Torn at them. Ripping them apart. Tossing them to the side. Letting yet older layers be exposed to light, making me ask: How does this particular layer serve me?

And when the answer is It doesn’t. Not anymore, I’ve learned to thank it. Filled with reverence for what it has done for me. Because at one time or another, this particular layer has done me a service. But the time has come to shed yet another layer, and when time’s up, time’s up. 

With grace and gratitude, I bid that which is no longer needed to keep me safe, strong and sheltered, fare-thee-well.
With curiosity and care, I turn to the next layer, ready to ask that very same question, starting all over again.
All the while, I rejoice in letting my light shine just a tad brighter than before. 

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Slow down. Ease up.

February 16, 2019
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As I walked through the door, exclaiming my back is killing me, D picked up on the message. When we sat down to work with the pain, he asked me: What did you feel as you stepped through the door?

I didn’t really have an answer, so he asked if I wanted to hear his impression. Yes, please tell me, I responded. What else could I say, being a Curious George and all that…

So he said, slow down. That’s the message I got, to slow down. Ease up a little. 

I’ve carried the message with me, this past week, using it as a baseline to reflect on what I am doing, in which areas, and how it all serves me. Or doesn’t, for that matter.

Coming to a realization that for quite some time I’ve been pushing all my own buttons. At the same time. Working on all areas, simultaneously. Pushing against the boundaries of my comfort zone… no, that’s untrue. I’ve been pushing against the boundaries of my stretch zone, going dangerously into the red snap zone… in many, if not all, areas of life.

I realized, as I took in the message I was sending but not picking up on, that I don’t have to work in all areas, everywhere, all the time. It is not only reasonable but actually wise, to heed the advice of the master of self-care, Pop the cat. Let myself rest, consolidate, push fewer buttons, letting come that which wants to come, given that I let go of that which has done its job.

So I breathe in. Hold it, for a few seconds. Then… exhale, letting go of a bit of the urge within, to be done. Knowing it’s not at the finishing line the reward of this journey lies. It is the journey itself. That is the reward. The growth. The expansion. The learning. That which is life. Living it. Loving it. Letting go to let come, and reveling in each twist and turn, each nook and cranny, falling through internal trap doors, one after the other. All the while being open. And gentle. Knowing my gentleness towards myself is that which ensures the openness, the willingness, the ability to step without hesitation into the next inch of the unknown.

As a direct result of the reflective process of this past week, I honored myself today.
Saying No to others. Saying Yes to me.
Slowing down. Easing up.

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