At the edge of understanding

At the edge of understanding

At the edge of understanding

February 3, 2017
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Listening to Headspace Pro pack number six. The description reads:
Headspace Pro Pack 6 focuses on your sense of me, myself and I. Learn how to step back from your identity and just experience life.

I’ve meditated to this pack several times before, but this time there’s a difference in what I hear, and how it is received, within. I am at the edge of understanding here. On the event horizon, knowing there’s something else out there, I just cannot seem to grasp it, to understand it. Or even to see it.

It’s in the small things Andy Puddicombe says, a phrase here or there, that my mind knots up, and simply cannot fathom what he’s saying. And he even says that; It can take a long time to truly experience this.

I’ve been so helped by differentiating between what I experience, and observing myself experiencing it, that the concept of letting both of those go, and simply be – to just experience. Nothing else – almost scares me. That’s what I think I did. Before. When I was swept away by my experiences, taking them, and me, so seriously. And that’s n o t what Andy is suggesting, he makes that very clear, but it’s still towards that way of experiencing experiences that my mind goes when He prompts me to let go of the identification, and be in the moment.

And again. Here I am. Writing down the observations of my Inner Observer. Most definitely a part of Me. Identifying to the fullest. It almost makes me laugh out load, as I sit here in bed, typing away. Oh well.

fully understandOne thing I am not though, and that is impatient to cross this event horizon. The need, the urge, the itch to grasp this, fully, to be able to check off the box saying I, Helena, fully understand the concept of stepping back from my identity and not cling to my sense of me, myself and I. It’s not there. There’s no need, no urge, no itch. It’s just a possible understanding. One that might come to me, or not. Perhaps this is an event horizon I will never cross. And that doesn’t bother me. Come what may, I say, and fully embody that. For this piece of the puzzle, at least. I can be more impatient with other pieces of the puzzle, wanting to fully comprehend, to embody. But not here.

“At the edge of understanding” I wrote in the title for this post. I could also have written “At the edge of my understanding”. Subtle difference, but, perhaps the way I accept my non-understanding of this, is a way of simply experiencing, rather than identifying too much with my lack of understanding. What a paradox!

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