Reflection

How to relate to limits?

How to relate to limits?

April 20, 2019
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How to relate to limits? My limits.
The boundaries that serve me versus the ones that stop my personal expansion as a human being.

A recent meeting that blew me out of the water, making me shatter my self-made box of limiting stories and beliefs. Writing about it. In that way that I write. Zoomed out and in at the same time, strangely impersonal yet enormously naked. I think? That’s how it feels to me. And that’s what matters, because, honestly, I have no idea what you pick up on, or not, how you react, or not. My style of writing is my style of writing.

So. Writing about it. Because that’s how I make sense of the world, of my world, how I learn and explore within myself. And yet. As I write, about this recent encounter, that has opened a new door to my universe, I cannot help but wonder… dare I? Dare I not dare?

To share or not to share, that is the question.

I’ve quite a few texts written that I’ve yet to share. Perhaps I will, perhaps I won’t.

Will these texts I am currently writing move in with these unpublished texts, or join the world in full view, with the rest of my 2000+ blog posts?

And no. I am not one to believe that I have to share everything. With everyone. Not anymore… I did. For a period around the turn of the millennia, that’s just what I did.

And at the same time, I find vulnerability in sharing what it’s like to be a human being in this day and age, is something I am drawn to. Regardless if I’m the one doing the sharing, or you.

What I’ve come to know is that when I share something completely raw to me, it’s not a good idea to share publicly. With close friends absolutely, friends whom I know will not sympathize but empathize. Once healing is underway and I’ve got a healthy distance to whatever caused my wound, my sharing might be of great help for others, besides for me. Because when my wounds are not open, raw and causing me acute pain, others do not have to manage me and my current state, but rather, can focus on what my sharing opened within themselves.

Yet. It’s as if I’ve yet to arrive, at whatever/where ever I am approaching. So I pause my writing and check my Facebook feed. Stumble across a post, on leaky boundaries vs clear ones. Baaam! Scroll at bit more, and come across yet another post, on baring ones’ soul while being a vessel for creativity. Putting oneself out there, to public display, not giving a hoot about the expectations of others. Swop tabs to LinkedIn, and slam dunk, post number three on being honest with what I feel and need, as opposed to interpretations and judgments, is right there in front of me.

Synchronicity in the making.
But what’s the message? Really, what am I being told here?

To share? To not share?

Somewhere… there’s still a nagging doubt within.
If I pick at it just a little, pick at the doubt, what I find behind it, is fear.
Fear of what a few select people might say or think.

So I pick at that just a little, pick at the fear, and what I find behind it… is…?

Me.
Belittling myself as well as those few select ones.

Now… how or who is that serving?

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A deep human shift

April 18, 2019
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At a loss for words, and at the same time wanting to get today’s blog done.
So I sit down with my laptop and let my mind go blank.

Ready to explore. In more ways than one.
Not wanting to pin it down, narrow the possibilities, limit my thinking or in any way imprison myself and what might be. Staying away from thoughts on what do I want to happen, but rather, keeping all options open, with what want’s to happen here top of mind.

One way not to limit myself is to share. When I did that in a recent conversation with my Campfire Sisters, this is what was captured by Vanessa Smith of Crafting Connection:

We post lots of pictures. The pictures are drawn from conversations we have with people.

Mostly the pictures are about us, the heart of us, even the souls of us listening to themselves find answers.

Today, I was part of one of those conversations with our lovely Campfire Sisters. We talked about and shared what it feels like to experience a deep human shift.

Letting go of what isn’t working requires that we sit in a space in between which is not always comfortable.

But as we sit there, in this new space of not knowing, we discover a whole lot more, waiting for us to engage with it.

This is what happened today in the conversation.

My lovely friend Helena Roth shared her journey and her discoveries from what happened when she STEPPED OUT OF THE SELF-MADE BOX.

What happened is in the pictures.

All this invisible stuff, I want the world to see, because it is precisely this invisible stuff that drives us and has the essence to support us transform, cross that line, and love and expand and be free to rewrite a new story.

Print the pictures, stick them on the walls around your office, in your home, wherever you need that invisible energy to support and uphold that new story in you wanting to emerge from you.

Use the pictures when you feel most uncertain, when the voices of cynicism inside or outside you belittle you and shake your trust in something better, something more beautiful, something more real!

Use the pictures to bring you home again, to love again, to start again.

With love

Crafting Connection

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When earth shrinks and the universe opens wide

April 15, 2019
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Once in a while, significant events take place. Such as …

Birth.
Death.
Marriage.
Divorce.

Those are a few of the more obvious significant events in life. But there are more. Events that make earth shrink and turn minuscule, all the while the universe opens up, ready to be explored.

Patterns are broken, limiting stories cease to be true, a life is being lived – in its totality.

Told D who, wise as always, told me (paraphrasing) Write, write, write, about all that has just taken place. Write to yourself, and open the letter at the earliest in a year. Write, as a gift to you.

So I lit a candle, filled up my teacup with warm water, and wrote, wrote, wrote. Three full pages. To me. About an event that made the earth shrink and turn minuscule. An event that made the universe open wide, ready to be explored.

By me.

Universe.
Here I come!

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Fare-thee-well

April 12, 2019
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It’s as if I’ve awakened, after a long hibernation.
Or perhaps, I truly was born again, born anew, on the bus to Sjöbo, listening to Arvo Pärt giving a commencement speech?

Something has shifted.

There is more energy.
More drive. More guts.
Courage. Clarity.

More more more…
Yes.

But.
Not in a sense of needing more; that Sisyphus-like struggle to push the rock up the hill, only to have it roll down to the bottom again. Endlessly striving, struggling. A hopeless mission of trying to fill a void, impossible to fill.

Not that type of more.

Rather, the type where it is simply more because I’ve released yet another layer of limits. Of boundaries that no longer serve me. Of protective coverings, put in place at a time when I was served by them. Kept in place, year upon year, decade upon decade, if nothing else but for the fact that other layers of protection were added on top. Layer upon layer.

Slowly. Throughout these past twenty years, one by one, I’ve dismantled them. Torn at them. Ripping them apart. Tossing them to the side. Letting yet older layers be exposed to light, making me ask: How does this particular layer serve me?

And when the answer is It doesn’t. Not anymore, I’ve learned to thank it. Filled with reverence for what it has done for me. Because at one time or another, this particular layer has done me a service. But the time has come to shed yet another layer, and when time’s up, time’s up. 

With grace and gratitude, I bid that which is no longer needed to keep me safe, strong and sheltered, fare-thee-well.
With curiosity and care, I turn to the next layer, ready to ask that very same question, starting all over again.
All the while, I rejoice in letting my light shine just a tad brighter than before. 

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The 4MAT model: Why? What? How? What if?

April 11, 2019
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Why do I do daily Facebook Lives?

That’s a question I got asked today, based on the 4MAT model and the four basic questions of: Why? – What? – How? – What if?

I know why I do what I do, but getting the question made me reflect on what I do, and how I do it, and if I am clear enough with my why. Which I apparently am not. So I gave it a long rambling go in today’s Facebook Live, but for you who would rather read the quick and easy version as to what my Why is, here it goes: Making a positive imprint.

FB Live #162 🇬🇧 – What’s my Why with these lives?

FB Live #162 🇬🇧 – What’s my Why with these lives?Using the 4MAT model.

Publicerat av Helena Roth Torsdag 11 april 2019

 

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Follow up – March 2019 – As I am.

April 6, 2019
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I intend to go through my intentions for the year at the end of each month. This gives me a monthly reminder of my intentions as well as ample space for reflection and possible adjustment.

March. What a month! And it’s already finished, but far. It’s been a month with a lot happening – both in and with me.

2019. The year when I will…

* have my bodily wellbeing in focus by:

  • continuing with my daily Seven accompanied by burpees: ✅Soon I have 1700 Sevens in a row…
  • Headspace daily: ✅
  • run a minimum of  75 runs: 1 run in March as well. I will take a run when I feel like it.
  • take cold (outdoors) baths as often as I can – and add to this by taking cold showers: 1 cold bath in March, one which had me go into the water twice on the other hand.
  • dance Lindy hop as often as I can (taking a class during the spring, and then there’s the social dancing as well!): 7/10 classes completed, haven’t missed a single one.
  • continuing to ride my bike and walk as much as possible: walked almost 60 kilometers and biked just short of 310 ditto.

* have my mental and spiritual wellbeing in focus by:

  • reading at least 75 books, of which 12 in Swedish and 12 in English already have been chosen. These 12 + 12 I will be blogging about: Read 17/75 böcker. Blogged about A fine balance (book 3 of 12 in English) and the Swedish counterpart is I det sista regnet.
  • learn at least five songs by heart including lyrics on the guitar, which will be made possible by my aim at ten minutes of guitar playing on a daily basis: Missed out on playing the guitar three days in March, and have stopped setting a timer for 10 minutes. Sometimes I just play one song, sometimes two, sometimes three. So 10 minutes a day isn’t something I live up to on a daily basis, but I am playing, more often than not! And soon I have Utan dina andetag down pat and Shallow which is our current homework-song is coming along quite nicely as well, because I really enjoy this song!
  • I will let the wonderful book The book of Awakening by Mark Nepo be my daily companion: ✅
  • hold digital 24-hour sabbats at least twice a month: 9-10th and 23-24th of March I observed my digital sabbat. In April I aim for the same on 12-13th and 19-20th.
  • börja podda: Alltså… inledande avsnittet klart, upplagt på Soundcloud, och ytterligare tio avsnitt fiffade… men iTunes ratade mig. På kryptiska grunder med en hjälptext som inte gjorde mig klokare. Så jag skrev om. Ratad igen. Skrev om igen. Ratad igen… så då lusläste jag den där hjälptexten ännu en gång och skrev om igen, på lite annat vis. “Submitted for review” i över en vecka, över månadsskiftet… men idag (4 april) så är den “Active”! Whoop. Oj liksom – men det får jag skriva mer om i nästa månadssummering ju! *cliffhanger*
  • släppa (minst) 4 e-böcker under 2019: Spinner tankar men inget som konkretiserats. Än.

* have creation in focus by:

  • booking at least four two-day writing retreats during the year: pondering a few ideas about writing retreats, including the possibility of running a digital retreat? My ideas from January remain.
  • keeping up with daily Facebook Lives for as long as there’s energy in doing it: ✅
  • blog daily: ✅
  • start to pod: Well…. the introductory episode is finished, upoladed to Soundcloud, and another ten episodes are ready to go… but iTunes rejected me. On cryptical reasons with a help text that did nothing to make me wiser. So I re-wrote the metadata. Rejected again. So I re-wrote it once more. And was rejected yet again… so I took a finetoothed comb to that help text, and re-wrote once more, but with a twist. “Submitted for review” was the status on iTunes for more than a week, passing the end of the month… but on April 4th, the status was changed to “Active”! Whoop!! I mean – wow! But hey… more of that in next months monthly summary! *cliffhanger*
  • release (at least) 4 e-books in 2019: thoughts are swirling, nothing concretized as of yet.

* have financial husbandry in focus by:

  • sowing, sowing and sowing a little bit more; on a weekly basis intentionally work on my various income streams: ✅
  • keep tabs on my set invoicing goal on a monthly basis: ✅I reached my set goals in January and March, not in February.
  • keep an accounts book on private income and expenses: ✅I have to say, keeping tabs on my finances, both incoming and outgoing, sure makes for a higher state of consciousness around what there is. I highly recommend it.

And finally – on all levels – experiment and play, experience pleasure and exploring and challenging myself, all the while being gentle to myself: brother and sister-in-law on a quick visit to Sweden so me and the youngest kid of the house got on a train to Vejbystrand for just short of 24 hours (where I totally make said youngster completely embarrassed to have a mother like me, as I stand in the middle of the square in Ängelholm and start to d a n c e until brother, sister-in-law, mother and aunt arrive on the bus. Youngster n o t happy, let me tell you. The residents of Ängelholm smiled on the other hand!), brother gave me an introductory course in genealogical research with help of the app Ancestry, getting the last of the pod-work done as well as records an introductory episode, went to a vernissage and a 24-hour castle get-away with my most lovely wives (yes!), give birth to, and starts to work on an idea that is very close to my heart in coaching conversations with Dave, spend a full weekend dedicated to Stabat Mater with a concert in Denmark as well as in Malmö with a get-together at my place after the Malmö-concert, for friends and family who are attending the concert, manages to go skinny dipping in the ocean (cold bath!) despite the fact that it’s almost storm winds out, coaches, walks, enjoy the sunshine and bike rides and generally: living life!

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Bring that beauty to everything I do.

April 5, 2019
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Challenged.

Willing to take it on?

Can I not?

And if I do (I will. Of course. It’s so in line with what I am, where I am, what I am creating. God-bumps from just writing this. So yes. It’s a given.), what will change? What will I do more of? Less of? Stop completely? Start?

That picture you shared a few weeks ago, it was beautiful, he said, and as I listen to the harrowing beauty of Spiegel im spiegel it too informs me of what has to happen:
Bring that beauty to everything I do.

Intention.
Focus.
Willingness.

Challenge accepted, but not lightly.
Not at all. Accepted with the greatest sense of reverence.

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Have you thanked God for this failure already?

April 3, 2019
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Podclub coming up. Making/Creating is the theme.
Seth Godin, Milton Glaser, and then… not a pod at all, but a short clip on YouTube of Arvo Pärt giving a commencement speech. Sitting on the bus early in the morning, I press play, and then…

Have you thanked God for this failure already?

God bumps and tears in my eyes.
Absolutely captivated.

The most sensitive musical instrument is the human soul. The next is the human voice.
One must purify the soul until it begins to sound. 

Ah.
These words.
But more than that… the way he says it…
Riveted, I shiver, from the power, the passion, the heartfelt and intense sincerity.

God knits man in his mother’s womb, slowly and wisely.
Art should be born in a similar way.

The video ends and my bus reaches its final destination.
I gather my things, wrap my coat around me and step – newborn – off the bus. Onto the ground.

Feeling vulnerable.
Naked.

Hello world. Please.
Be gentle. Embrace me. Gently.
That’s what I need. Want.

The criterion must be, everywhere and only, humility.

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Share your pain

March 30, 2019
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Share your pain, he said.

I nodded, saying Yeah. I know. I do.

His turn to nod, agreeing.

Because that is what I do. I share my pain. Or rather. I share what I am. Where I am. The feeling of the moment. Right here. Right now. Be it pain, bliss, fear or subtle joy. I share, what I am. Where I am.
And I have, for many years now.

This is one of the results of me blogging daily since 2013. Have gotten used to writing about what I see. What I feel. What I am. What I observe. What I struggle with. What I rejoice in. What I feel ashamed of. What I dread.

Photo by Anders Roos: http://www.andersroos.nu/

 

Life, as it is.
Is.

Not how I would like it to be.
What norms say I should want it to be.
What convention has me fobbing it off as.

As. It. Is.

So yeah.
There’s pain.
Bliss.
Grief. Fear. Joy.
Excitement. Thrill.
Sadness and anger.

All of it.

In one great big mess… just like life.
As. It. Is.

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A fine balance (book 3 of 12)

March 24, 2019
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A fine balance, written by Rohinton Mistry. This book, that I read the first time in 1997, while doing my degree project in Thailand to get my Masters in Biology. My brother put the book in my hand, and then did not see me for the next twenty-two hours, as I simply could not put the book down. Ever since I’ve stated A fine balance as the best book I’ve ever read, recommending it high and low.

“Flirting with madness was one thing; when madness started flirting back, it was time to call the whole thing off.”

So when I stumbled upon a copy at a flea market a while ago, I bought it, with the intention of rereading it. To ensure I would read it and really reflect upon it, given the importance I’ve put upon this book ever since that first read, I picked it as my book choice in the Gifted book club.

Still the best book I’ve ever read?
Now I’ve re-read it. And discussed it in Gifted.
So… is it still the best book I’ve ever read?
Do I still peg it at the number one position of all the books (3000 or so) that I’ve read?

And what about the fact that not just me, but my brother, my mother, my father as well as my two nieces all rank it as the best book they have ever read as well? We are a family of bookworms, yet we read quite different genres, generally speaking, so to have us all say this about A fine balance seems quite significant.

“Time had turned the magical to mundane.”

It did not grip me the way it did the first time around. I read it “like a normal book”, without any major problems to put it down after having read 10-15 pages or so. So I did not have that all-nighter-reading-experience again.

An intricate weave
It is a good book though. It is gripping. The intricate weave of the lives and destinies of the four major characters is like a tapestry of the middle ages, one of those many meters long tapestries depicting all sorts of stories at the same time. The Bayeux Tapestry comes to mind. A fine balance is that rich – containing enough sub-stories and interesting side characters to make it into ten different novels if Mistry had wanted to. Instead, he condensed it all down into one thick book.

Me, an ignorant Swede
When I read it the first time, I was astonished to understand that Indira Gandhi was not “just good”. As an ignorant young Swede, I had only picked up on the fact that here was a female Prime Minister of a huge country, something that still has yet to happen in Sweden (having a female head of state, that is). So the book opened me up to understand that there was more to it than that, much more.

“You see, you cannot draw lines and compartments, and refuse to budge beyond them. Sometimes you have to use your failures as stepping-stones to success. You have to maintain a fine balance between hope and despair.”

And I think those aspects, the much more than I had understood before-aspects of A fine balance, are actually the ones that still, my second read, tugged at me the most. I just do not want to accept the atrocities we humans can inflict on other humans. I. Do. Not. Be it demolishing the hovels of the destitute congregating in slum areas, the way Beggarmaster ensures his beggars have the appropriate combination of heart-tugging handicaps, be it blindness or the loss of limbs, or how Indian state and local officials performed the most horrendous acts of violence upon their citizens during the Emergency. I just do not want to accept that things like this happen. But it does.

Best book ever, still?
The language of the book is beautiful, Mistry paints his story using rich and colorful language like many Indian authors seem to. Resembling the rich and colorful country that is India? But is it still the best book I’ve ever read?

Well. Yes – because that’s how it affected me the first time I read it. And, well, no, because this time around it did not grip me as thoroughly as it did then, and I have other books more recent in mind that have. It is definitely worth reading though, don’t get me wrong! All of us in the Gifted book club agreed on that, even though it – once more – became so apparent that there are many different ways to read a book. Makes for interesting book club conversations, and thank god for that, otherwise, what would be the point right?


The book I am blogging about is part of the book-reading challenge I’ve set for myself during 2019, to read and blog about 12 Swedish and 12 English books, one every other week, books that I already own.

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