Rereading Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now I am elated to read about what I am experiencing right now. Being in the Now. Not knowing what lies ahead, and not really bothering with it either. Being in the Now; Being happy here. Feeling content, in peace. Relaxed. In the space of Now, where things are good and I am at peace, I cook dinner. Eat. Talk to kids. Cuddle with them a bit. Feed the cat. Hang the wet laundry to dry. Ride my bike to a meeting. Knit on my woolen sweater while watching a TED Talk. Blog. Read. Talk to the school nurse of one of my legal guardians aka unaccompanied minor refugee. Light a fire in the living room stove. Walk to the nearest PokémonGo-gym, battling my way in. Take a photo of Pop the cat while he’s sleeping in the most adorable way on the sofa. Text with friends and family. Write a quotation for an assignment that would be thrilling to get. Read a high-level guideline on quality systems. Order a few Christmas gifts. Light a candle and finish a Sudoku.
It’s good. Life.
I don’t know what will come, and I don’t have the sense that I need to, or even want to know. It will come. Or rather, life is constituted of moments of Now, and in those moment, most often there is peace, tranquility, excitement, joy, laughter, tears, thrill and connection. And when I simply allow myself to be there, in the moment, living, feeling, experiencing… Then life is good.
I especially don’t know what will be with regards to my marriage. But… it doesn’t hurt, at least not right now. And it hasn’t for the past few weeks. I’ve let go of a lot of would’s and should’s and why-not’s, and in return, I get to relax into what is. Yes, we are living apart. Yes, there is still love. Yes, there is a strong will to ensure that no matter where our relationship ends up, that it will be in a place of mutual respect. Yes, there is the longing for the familiar, and when I open my arms and invite him in, he comes. That way, I get to enjoy it. Him. Me. Us. And it’s sweeter somehow. No longer taking anything for granted; When I want a stronger sense of connection, I ask for it. Or he asks and I say Yes. And there, in the space of Now of the is-ness of life, it is all good and I am filled with a deep sense of inner peace.
Not bothering my mind with if’s, but’s, and what-might-be’s, but rather… breathing in, breathing out, letting go, letting come, and resting in the space of Now.
It’s good. Life.
The above text was written November 30th 2016.
As I reread it, I see the pivot I did sometime before writing this, with regards to my marriage, but also with regards to life itself. Something I am grateful for having experienced, a pivot I would not wish to be without. So. There is much gratitude for the way life has unfolded, and continues to unfold. In the most mysterious and unknown way. It’s good. Life. Right Now.