as I am

2020 – with my body in focus

2020 – with my body in focus

January 1, 2020
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These past years, the intention of the coming year has come to mind around New Years, when I’ve been busy gathering my thoughts on the experiences of the year past, high’s and low’s alike, to sum up, and clean my slate for what is to come. The intention for 2020 came to me a couple of months ago, when I, in a moment of total clarity, just knew that it is with my body in focus that I will start off the new decade.

With my body in focus Is as yet undefined. I will not write a detailed list of exactly what I will be doing this year, like a minimum of x runs/bike trips/swims/walks/gym sessions per week/month/year and so on. No. Not like that. Because I do not know. Instead, I will play around with my body as the theme, the challenge is (being gentle with myself, not to worry about that) to develop more strength, suppleness, endurance. I want to better my ability to stand on one leg, to squat, to get a stronger and supple back that can sleep in beds not my own without causing me pain, want to be able to do proper and more sit-ups and push-ups, chin-ups och pull-ups, want to build strength and movement in my feet and get rid of the big toe joint pains I suffer since biking into a rock foot first, November 2018. I will dance lindy hop as much and often as I can, both taking classes and attending social dance’s, and more than anything, I will take regular movement-breaks when I do what I am doing right now: sitting in front of the computer.

Last year’s intention As I am was easy to follow up on a monthly basis, precisely because I’d written it so detailed and specific. Even though this intention is far from just that, I still want to commit to a monthly follow up on with my body in focus because it’s such a good way to keep the intention top of mind. I will surely reflect on the actual facts of what I’ve done each month, the number of kilometers on my bike and on foot I’ve been logging since September 2009, so that type of data (and habit!) is easily accessible. But I want to compliment my monthly reflections with what I experience, the feelings the theme awakens within, the differences I observe and what it means to me.

So.
With my body in focus, I start 2020 by taking a walk down to lake Boren for the first cold bath of the year as well as the decade.

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Good bye 2019!

December 31, 2019
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This year with the intention As I am has truly been a most wonderful, challenging and rich year. So much has happened, so many meetings have taken place, so many insights and lessons have come my way. 

Monthly follow-up of the intention of the year: As I am
Continuously following up on the fairly detailed ambitions I set within four areas (bodily, mental and spiritual wellbeing, creativity and financial husbandry) has been a very interesting activity, helping me to remain focused, as it has given me at least (!) a monthly reminder on what it is I want to focus on.

Timetravel
The invite to T and Hs 100-year party in Stockholm gave me a day (or two) of time-travelling. The theme of the party was the 1920s, and with my soul sister S and A I was given a chance to truly travel in time. As if I simply stepped outside of my ordinary life during these days… magical!

Cold baths
I started taking cold baths at the end of November 2018, and took it to new heights during 2019, ending on a high with 8 days of cold bathing in a row. Thanks to the deep breathing-practice that’s taken a firm place in my life during 2019, I’ve given up the quick ”in and out”-dips of before, in favor of five-ten minute submersions in cold water, thanks in large part of breathing and focus. It’s absolutely amazing and definitely something I will continue doing!

Coach Dave
In December 2018 I hired coach Dave for a year’s worth of coaching, at substantial cost, a tad more than 100% more than I’ve ever invested in myself before. When the time came to pay the second installment, my Jenny (who does my company finances) if Dave was worth it. My answer was fairly illuminating: No, Dave isn’t worth it, but I am! It’s been a fantastic journey and I have learned a lot, but perhaps the most important insight is just that one. I am worth investing in!

Podcasting
I have released one round of my own pod Doing gentle with an edge, and have twice as many episodes recorded but as yet unreleased. I will, in due time! I have taken part in Caspians Ett samtal (for the second time round; in Swedish) and have, thanks to Caspian, moderated the pod Fria Barn (in Swedish) released in the fall of 2019. Together with Caspian and Mr D I am also busy recording a number of episodes of a new pod in English which will be released in January. Finishing of the year with a couple of days of New Years retreat with those two gentlemen – what a wonderful way to end a year and a decade in!

60 hours of tankespjärn
For many years, tankespjärn has been my companion, as a word, as a concept, even, when I started to reflect upon it, as my life philosophy, since long before the word revealed itself to me. During the year the idea to host 60 hours of tankespjärn was born in a conversation with coach Dave. That’s what happened and there will be more, mark my word, in years to come.

Pecha Kucha and TEDxSlottsparken
As I so often do, once again I say: Thanks to Caspian I did a Pecha Kucha in Lund in April headlined How I broke up with my inner dictator, and that experience in contrast with my June experience as a moderator at TEDxSlottsparken was enormous. I was very nervous to do the Pecha Kucha, whereas I, moderating TEDx felt calm and collected. The difference? My Pecha Kucha was written in advance, and had me timing speech with 20 slides for 20 seconds each, while as a moderator I could act in the moment from what was, which (apparently) suits me much better!

Kenya
Nine days in Kenya after midsummer turned into one of the most rewarding experiences of the year. It’s given me so much, in so many aspects, such as an increased understanding of the tree-savings-scheme I have as a part of my (and the kids) long-term savings since 2015, to an increased network and a very close friendship with my roommate Lena. I finished the blog-year with a 25-days advent calendar here, with images and stories from the trip, something which deepened my gratefulness for going, even more.

Mastermind-pilot
Another thing was born during a coaching conversation with Dave, when he gave me 15 minutes to “do something”, which resulted in my sending out an invite on the fly, to a handful of chosen people, to participate in a Mastermind-pilot. During thirteen Tuesday evenings starting in August, had me spending an hour with four participants and me as the facilitator. What a journey that turned into. A pilot that definitely has me wanting more!

Culture
It’s been a year of many lovely cultural experiences of all kinds. With Heléne I have experienced Patricia Piccininis A World of LoveGuds olydiga revben, sing-a-long to Rocketman på Spegeln as well as Stina Wollters exhibition in Borstahusen. Add to that a fantastic production of Mozart’s Requiem at Malmö Opera with Skånes Dansteater, yet another sing-a-long with Dirty Dancing on the big screen and last but not least, performing Stabat Mater over Easter, the first-ever performance of Missa Brevis at All hallows eve and the choir trip to Jämtland.

Goodreads reading challenge
I set a goal to read 75 books during 2019, and finished my 76th book on New Year’s Eve, so mission accomplished. I also have the 12 Swedish och 12 English books I chose at the start of the year, to read and blog about on a monthly basis. Ever since I invented this challenge in 2018, when I chose 26 + 26 (which was a bit too much) I have realized this to be an excellent way for me to ensure that the books I buy “in order to read” which then end up unread on a bookshelf, actually get read. So I will do the same for 2020, 12 + 12.

Ready to leave the nest
My firstborn headed off to Australia on adventures in January, coming home end November, just having turned twenty. 10,5 months on the other side of the planet, and if I had any doubt before the trip, by now I am 100% certain this kid is ready to leave the nest. This makes me very happy and grateful because this is what parenting is really about, making kids ready to fly on their own!

The year that has passed has, of course, been loaded with a huge number of things besides the few I display here, but in general, it’s been a fabulous year with up’s and down’s, with tears of joy as well as sorrow, with amazing moments in solitude as well as in togetherness, and I am thankful to each and everyone and everything–including myself–that’s participated in making this year so rich.

Finally, I wish for you and yours to have a truly wonderful new year, in joy and love, with warmth and light–take good care of yourself!

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Follow up – July 2019 – As I am.

August 5, 2019
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I intend to go through my intentions for the year at the end of each month. This gives me a monthly reminder of my intentions as well as ample space for reflection and possible adjustment.

July… a month spent travelling with everything that entails. Such as very little blogging!

2019. The year when I will…

* have my bodily wellbeing in focus by:

  • continuing with my daily Seven accompanied by burpees: ✅
  • Headspace daily: ✅
  • run a minimum of  75 runs –> run-when-I-feel-like-it-intention: My bigtoe joint is still acting up. Pains me. So I walk and ide my bike rather than jog.
  • take cold (outdoors) baths as often as I can – and add to this by taking cold showers: Cold showers rather than baths, as the water temperature is above my personally set limit (≤14 degrees).
  • dance Lindy hop as often as I can (taking a class during the spring, and then there’s the social dancing as well!): So far no Lindy hop-dancing this summer. Luckily I have signed up for the continuation class starting in September!
  • continuing to ride my bike and walk as much as possible: walked just short of 60 and biked a bit more than 240 kilometers.

* have my mental and spiritual wellbeing in focus by:

  • reading at least 75 books, of which 12 in Swedish and 12 in English already have been chosen. These 12 + 12 I will be blogging about: Read 36/75 böcker. 7 books behind schedule, which is betetr than where I was at two weeks ago, when I was down by 11 books… Blogged about Clapton’s guitar – watching Wayne Henderson build the perfect instrument (book 7 of 12 in English) and the Swedish counterpart is Tankar för dagen, manual för ett snällare liv.
  • learn at least five songs by heart including lyrics on the guitar, which will be made possible by my aim at ten minutes of guitar playing on a daily basis: Zero. Zero! Geez…
  • I will let the wonderful book The book of Awakening by Mark Nepo be my daily companion: My travels made me slip out of this habit, and I have yet to step into it fully again.
  • hold digital 24-hour sabbats at least twice a month: Digital sabbats on July 6-7 and 26-27. In Augusti I plan for the same on 2-3, 9-10, 16-17.

* have creation in focus by:

  • booking at least four two-day writing retreats during the year: pondering a few ideas about writing retreats, including the possibility of running a digital retreat? My ideas from January remain but I am starting to feel silly writing that. So perhaps I should just plan it? 12-13 September, 28-28 October, 11-12 November, 9-10 December. There. Done. Booked. The chance of these writing retreats actually happening just got a lot higher!
  • keeping up with daily Facebook Lives for as long as there’s energy in doing it: Have deliberately ended this suite of daily lives (in June), and hence I am removing it from my yearly intentions.
  • blog daily: It’s August and my vacation is over. So I step onboard this intention again, as of right now.
  • start to pod: Well, well, well. Borrowed the podstudio of my friend J and hance I have a 2 hour raw file to cut and produce. So there will be new episodes soon, count on it!
  • release (at least) 4 e-books in 2019: thoughts are swirling, nothing concretized as of yet. The chances of this happening might just have gotten better as well, given the fact that I have marked writing retreats in my calendar?

* have financial husbandry in focus by:

  • sowing, sowing and sowing a little bit more; on a weekly basis intentionally work on my various income streams: ✅
  • keep tabs on my set invoicing goal on a monthly basis: ✅I reached my set goals in January and March, not in February, April, May, June and July (the two latter not so surprising). Feels like an area to step up my game in!
  • keep an accounts book on private income and expenses: Have a bit of a backlog in my accounts book, I will get on it, I promise.

And finally – on all levels – experiment and play, experience pleasure and exploring and challenging myself, all the while being gentle to myself: July. Well. Me and the youngest one went to England with my mom and aunt to visit relatives and attend a lovely graduation celebration at St John’s. (Pop the cat got to stay at home, or rather, had his own vacation away from home.) Me and the young one then jumped on EuroStar to Brussels, took the train to The Hague (thanks a lot for your kindness and hospitality Vanessa!) and Amsterdam (dito Mayke!) before we got on a Flixbus back home. Took a swim in the North Sea, had a few lovely bike rides and I can warmly recommend Rembrandt’s House, what a lovely and perfectly sized museum! Once back home I had work waiting for me, although I must confess I haven’t worked full time precisely. But still! Lunch with family in Simrishamn, daCapo-party and helping with a move from Limhamn to Oxie, a podclub meetup on attachment theory, two CoachWalks and an assorted amount of hobnobbing at that.

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All that I am.

February 28, 2019
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As I am. Intention of the year.
Manifesting in the most astonishing ways, this intention of mine: As I am.

In my conversations with D and D (my friend and soulmate Dominic – who just happens to be the most skilled processwork therapist – and my coach Dave) different aspects of me show up.
Warrior-Helena. Worrier-Helena.
The Sisyphean-like Worker-Helena, constantly pulling a heavy load.
And today I welcomed Sly-Helena onto the stage, in the company of Sharp-Helena.

This is me. As I am.
All of me. All that I am.

Where this all will lead?
Beats me.
But I am sure having fun in the process; the unearthing; the embodying.

Fun? But, there’s a lot of pain and tears, feelings of insecurity, loneliness and shame isn’t there?

Yes.
True.
There is.

But that’s part of the fun, honestly.
Not fun as in me laughing my head off the entire time.
No. Not that type of fun.

Rather the type of fun that has me experience these different aspects of me, feeling the emotions, raw and rough. Discovering, opening new doors within, reacquainting myself with parts of me that haven’t been very prominent recently. For me, this is fun. Exciting. It’s like going on an adventure, not knowing what will happen, who will turn up, where the journey will take me.

The best kind of journey there is, lasting a lifetime at that!

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Narrowing my focus

February 12, 2019
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Gown off; my intention for the year. Gown off, as in as I am.

How will this show up to the world?

Well… the year is young, and there’s plenty of time for this to develop in ways unknown to me right now. What I am busy doing though, is making sure that what you see more genuinely reflects me as I am. I want to make sure I show up as I am both in 3D and online, so I am creating congruency between these arenas. Working on updating my website as well as my profile on LinkedIn. But am also using both Instagram and Facebook slightly differently, including my Facebook Live’s.

Working on my LinkedIn profile, and so much more with my coach Dave Kibby; it was in a session with him that gown off was revealed to me (us).
Had a hoot of a day in a photo session with photographer Anders Roos, to take new photos of me. As I am.
Spent a day cutting my soon-to-be-released podcast together with audio producer Søren Lassen Andreassen, getting raw cuts of twenty-two episodes finished. With musician Olof Jennfors putting the final touches to the soundtrack, I look forward to release my first-ever (own) podcast in a few weeks time! More on that, in due time.

Everything for everyone isn’t the best of business ideas, and it’s definitely not mine, as I am also getting much clearer with who I want to work with, separating them from those I can work with. The former is a smaller part of the latter, which means I am narrowing my focus, which feels great!

Who I want to work with? You! Given that you are a person who wants to do the work, to change, to expand. You, if you are a person ready to show up in the world as you are. Are you?

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2019. As I am.

January 1, 2019
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As I am. 

I asked my friend D to translate “gown off” into Swedish. “Gown off” popped up in my first conversation with my new coach. I described the general feeling of that conversation, and somehow D managed, as so often (always?), put words to that which goes unspoken.

So all of a sudden, “gown off” turned into “as I am”, which feels spot on. This is how I step into 2019, filled with energy and curiosity, with champagne bubbles coursing through my entire body, eager and ecstatic to experience all that is to come, “as I am”. Naked. Raw. Intimate. With power and pleasure.

2019. The year when I will…
* have my bodily wellbeing in focus by:

  • continuing with my daily Seven accompanied by burpees
  • Headspace daily
  • run a minimum of  75 runs
  • take cold (outdoors) baths as often as I can – and add to this by taking cold showers
  • dance Lindy hop as often as I can (taking a class during the spring, and then there’s the social dancing as well!)
  • continuing to ribe my bike and walk as much as possible

* have my mental and spiritual wellbeing in focus by:

  • reading at least 75 books, of which 12 in Swedish and 12 in English already have been chosen. These 12 + 12 I will be blogging about.
  • learn at least five songs by heart including lyrics on the guitar, which will be made possible by my aim at ten minutes of guitar playing on a daily basis
  • I will let the wonderful book The book of Awakening by Mark Nepo be my daily companion
  • hold digital 24-hour sabbats at least twice a month

* have creation in focus by:

  • booking at least four two-day writing retreats during the year
  • keeping up with daily Facebook Lives for as long as there’s energy in doing it
  • blog daily
  • start to pod

* have financial husbandry in focus by:

  • sowing, sowing and sowing a little bit more; on a weekly basis intentionally work on my various income streams
  • keep tabs on my set invoicing goal on a monthly basis
  • keep an accounts book on private income and expenses

And finally – on all levels – experiment and play, experience pleasure and exploring and challenging myself, all the while being gentle to myself!

2019. Here I come. As I am. Gown off! 

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