cold

On the inside

On the inside

August 21, 2020
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There’s so much on the inside, that I am not really getting out. Not on paper, not in conversation, not even in my internal dialogues with myself. Not in any way/shape/form I want to.

A tad frustrating.
But only for short moments.
Most often, I simply acknowledge it, allow it to be, and figure…
what comes out, comes out. What stays inside, stays inside.

In conversations, I get to try my thoughts out, practice speaking them out loud, trying to get unformed, unfinished thoughts to make their way outside of me, observing what happens within when I do. Being mirrored by those I am in communion with is like a rollercoaster ride. I get to listen (!) as they let my newly formed words move into them, twisting and turning, opening hearts and minds with any luck, and, if there’s resonance, voice something back to me, giving me a shot at the rollercoaster.

Sometimes, my mind takes a giant leap, far away from what I voiced minutes before.
Sometimes, I am brought much closer, strengthening my understanding, transforming those unfinished thoughts into more solid, tangible ones.
Sometimes, having me step an inch into the unknown, I come upon a somewhat new flavor, making me shift slightly from what it previously was, giving me an opportunity to taste my thoughts anew, new and fresh unformed, unfinished thoughts within.

There are blog posts I imagine myself writing.
Stories to tell. Insights to share.
Pod episodes and book reflections to flesh out on paper, publishing in the hope, the desire, for someone to share in the exploration.

And then.
Those depths within, as yet unexplored.
Deep, deep ones.
Cold. Dark.
Void of company.
I know it.
I need to go there.
I need to. Want to. Must!
For me. Not for anyone else, but for me. I want to, because I know (Know) this is what’s next in line, I am to take these depths on.
But how do I start?
When? Where? How, do I give myself permission to just dive in?

I sense how this, the discovery –the exploration– of these depths, acts as a plug. Unless attended to, they are keeping all of the rest of what’s on the inside trapped there, within, where nothing can get out, nothing can squeeze past. They are blocking the way.

Time has come.
Permission granted:
Dive in.


#tankespjärn, for those who wish to discover. More. Other. New.
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A dip in the sea

January 4, 2019
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Headed for town, but before I took off on my bike, I packed a towel. Just in case. After recording a pod and having lunch with and at Caspian’s I decided: Yes. Today is the day for the first dip in the sea of the year.

So I rode to the pier farthest from town, the one designated for skinny dipping. Parked my bike, took a picture and started to undress. Gloves, beanie, winter coat. Shoes, jeans, long johns, woolen socks. Woolen sweater, long tee, and my woolen undershirt. Off it goes. All of it.

As I pull my sweater over my head, a door to a somewhat surreal universe cracks open.

Grabbed my towel and headed out to the pier.
Sunny, windy, 5 degrees tops. Probably the same temperature in the water.

Tie my towel to the pier to stop it from blowing away.
Waves.
Slippery staircase, hold on tight.

And in I go.
Hesitate… and I would never do it.
So I just take one step after the other, until I am up to my neck in the ocean.

Cold. Yes. Shockingly cold.
Fully manifest in that other universe. The am-I-really-doing-this-and-can-this-really-be-happening-universe.

Hyperventilate while two waves crash into me, then get out. One step after the other, until I am up on the pier again.

In the other universe, I get out, cold and wet… and all of a sudden, my skin starts tingling. The chill vanishes, the wind disappears, time seems to stop, and I am totally present to the beauty of it all.

The ocean.
The sun.
The wind.
The vastness.
And last, but not least, to myself. For doing it.
Living. Fully!

Grab my towel and rub off, while taking my time walking to the bike and my clothes.

Slowly emerging from the alternate universe, I dress, happy, pleased, not feeling any cold whatsoever.

My soul sings!
I did it.
First dip in the ocean this year, and I know this dip will be followed by many others.

Who would have known that taking a (cold) dip in the sea would let me travel to another universe?
Who would have known a dip in the sea would fill me with this most wondrous feeling?
How will you know, if you would experience something like it unless you give it a shot?

 

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