honor

Feeding myself and my garden

Feeding myself and my garden

April 30, 2020
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–The gardening. How’s it going?

–Why, thanks for asking, it’s going fine!

After making the Sunday-promise of 30 minutes of daily gardening for the upcoming week, coming home Monday and Tuesday evening after long busy days at the office, I immediately donned my garden garb, taking my basket of seeds and the rough outline of the garden, set the timer to 30 minutes, and got to it.

Sowing seeds.
Watering.
Nipping at a little something here, and a little something there.
Picking a bunch of dandelion flowers to dry for tea.

Loving it.
By the time the timer alerts me I’ve not wanted to stop, but with an empty stomach and other commitments, I’ve put the gear and garb away, eager for the next day. 

Today is Wednesday, and as the afternoon progressed, it started to rain. Windy. Chilly.
Biked home in insufficient clothing, not being prepared for rain, I arrived home wet, cold, and hungry. So I decided on having dinner with some borrowed gardening books for 30 minutes of garden inspiration rather than go outside.

This way of honoring my promise, but not limiting myself to physical labor, makes it feel sustainable. And I am already starting to ponder keeping the promise going after the week. After my 30 minutes of gardening, I feel refreshed, recharged, grounded. 

And you know what?
Feeding myself with inspiration is as important as feeding the garden itself with new soil, fertilizer, seeds and plants. 


#tankespjärn, for those who wish to discover. More. Other. New.
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Shame.

May 10, 2018
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Shame.

Hm.

Silence within.

Where to start? What do I want to communicate? What do I really feel after the 75 minute long session on Shame?

Held.
Seen.
Heard.
Acknowledged.

You did it well, long-distance and all. As if you were in the same room, the distance between Malmö-Stockholm annihilated by the SKYPE-connection that gave me your voice into my ears, straight into my head, into my body. When I closed my eyes, it was as if you held me, which you really did, with the help of the sofa I sat in.

I honor myself, and my choice to reach out to you, to start – in a pace dictated solely by the urgings of my Self – to deal with this that has been long forgotten, deeply hidden away; that which I have yet to shine a light on. A good start today, a start that did me good, and felt nice.

During the session thought upon thought was born, associations to various events throughout my life, memories slowly floating up to the surface, connections made – that I had never before seen – that docked into one another like a well-oiled mechanical machinery.

Went for a walk afterwards – just took off, letting the energy stream continue to flow; walked barefoot, threading softly on grassy lawns and pebbled pathways, earthing myself. Landed. Breathed in and let come. And more than that, breathed out and let go.

I can see how I did the best I could, under the circumstances. Clever was your word for it. Yes, I dealt with it in a clever way! But not just me. Others did the best they could, given their circumstances; they also acted clever, based on their perspective, needs, defense mechanisms and abilities.

I can see that too, and with tenderness I gaze into history, at both myself and the others. Not judging. That doesn’t serve me. Knowing there is a chance – in due time. I’m in no rush. This can take as little or as long time as it needs to – to let go, to let the ball dissolve, in the same way that I, with patience and calm untangle skeins of yarn that have become horribly entangled. I am good at untangling knots others believe were impossible to untangle, and that’s what will happen here as well. Only – without any demands for achievement. No deadline. No explicit goal.

And above all else, I do this for me. In my way. For my wellbeing.
Not controlled, not according to a fixed (time) plan. No. What will happen will happen, because it’s what wants to happen, in the moment. Not what I want to happen, definitely not what someone else wants to – or feels should – happen. But what wants to happen.

That’s where I exhale and let go – and enjoy the moment of Now!

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Wholeheartedness – Reflection December ’17

December 25, 2017
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My final reflective blog post on the intention I placed upon 2017: Wholeheartedness – living life wholeheartedly. I’ve already started to reflect quite a lot on my upcoming yearly intention, earlier than what has normally been the case for me. So the intention for 2018 feels like it’s one born out of necessity, out of a willingness and urge to explore what might come with a year of intentional living… but not so fast, my dear. I have yet to do this final reflection on wholeheartedness.

wholehearted me december 2017Given all the ups and downs of 2017, I have most definitely been aided by having this intention. Not letting myself forget, that it’s my life, it’s my heart, and I am the one in charge of making, creating, shaping my life in a manner most coherent with my beliefs, wishes, desires, aspirations, goals, values – call it whatever you like, I am still the one in charge. It’s on me.

And nowadays, for me, that’s a very hopeful and inspiring statement to make: I’m in charge. It’s on me.

The old Helena would have been intimidated by it, scared, and most of all, reluctant to honor it – reluctant to honor myself, in a sense, not believing I had it in me, not wanting to own my life and my experiences, believing life was easier if someone else was responsible. But alas – that’s not how it works. No one else can be responsible, because I am the one who shape my experience of my life. It comes from within. Being open to that, to all of my experiences, sure makes a difference. And that, in and of itself, is perhaps a definition of wholeheartedness? Not shying away from anything, not even the stuff most difficult to face, the bits and pieces of me that I have spun stories around, making it shameful, despicable, unworthy.

Being open to all of me, my whole heart, has helped me put less and less weight upon the stories I spin that are no longer serving me – and with that I have more energy for that which serves me: such as living a wholehearted life.

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