husband

the welfare of the children

the welfare of the children

June 30, 2020
/ / /

I read a book. A book about a father who is suddenly –by the mother– refused the right to be with his two children, and what follows has me frustrated to pieces.

One reason for my frustration is that I have two friends who’ve gone through more or less the same thing, where the system(s) just seems totally inadequate and incapable of actually doing what the Swedish systems claim to do: Put the welfare of the children first. This is (supposed to be) valid for the school system, the social services, the police, the courts, all of the Swedish systems put in place to serve its citizens.

When I read the last page, I grabbed my computer and started to write. And was surprised at what I wrote, because it wasn’t the frustration from witnessing my two friends getting stuck in the quagmire of custody hearings, meetings with the schools and the social services, and what not that started to pour out…

No. What came out was my own frustration from my experiences of an adoption process, taking place in 2008-2009, when my second husband adopted my firstborn, with the blessing of the biological father, my first husband.

It surprised me. I wasn’t aware that this is at the root of why I am drawn to try to aid my friends, or really, anyone, getting caught and entwined in the barbed wire of the system. Because it can truly be detrimental. And I don’t see that it’s actually benefitting anyone.

So once more, putting fingers to keyboard informs me, greatly. I see me. Discover more, of me. Pieces hidden. Forgotten. Deliberately shunned. And… perhaps also pieces of me that are so brand-new, they are like a minuscule fetus, well-protected deep within the flesh of my body, my psyche, my being?

(The book’s in Swedish, and the post as well, but I might translate it. If you want to read it?)


#tankespjärn, for those who wish to discover. More. Other. New.
Read More

Hiding in the shadows

November 12, 2018
/ / /

A part of me.
Sometimes.
Hiding in the shadow.
Holding back. Not showing myself, fully.
Hiding bits and parts of me.
From others. And from myself?hiding in shadows

“Last edited by Helena Roth on March 16, 2016.” means this post and the accompanying photo has been sitting as a draft for two and a half years.

Was I hiding? Yes. Most definitely. From myself as well as from others.
Six months later I separated from my then husband, and two years later the divorce was final.

Am I still hiding? Lurking in the shadows?

Yeah.
But way less.
First and foremost I am no longer hiding (as much) from myself.

Am on a quest to own this, to own me (!), fully. I want to decide, consciously, what I show of myself and when I show it. No more letting old conditioning – others voices internalized within, carrying messages of shame, of belittling, of “don’t think you are worth anything” – to be in charge.

Not any more.
No.

Saying Yes instead.
To me.

Here I am.
As I am.

Read More

Wholeheartedness – Reflection February ’17 

February 1, 2017
/ / /

A month of having wholeheartedness as my intention for the year.
staying togetherA month of breakthroughs.
Where me and my husband have made a decision to stay together while continuing to live apart.

Where I have seen patterns of old, patterns that no longer serve me or anyone around me for that matter. And just seeing patterns like this, means they start to fall apart, no longer the easiest route for my system to revert to when triggered. The path no longer represents the automatic and unconcious way ahead.

Where I see how easy it is for me to say Yes. To be open to opportunity, to possibility. Saying Yes, and learning new things. And yet. Also cramming my schedule. Knowing I can fit it all in, deliver the goods…. with the cost of putting myself on the backburner. As a solopreneur, once in a while this is a wise move. Given one thing: that I take extra care of myself these upcoming months, ensure I stick to my daily rituals, that so vitalize me, makes me nourish connections and be aware of the contribution I am bringing to the world.

A month of deep inner discovery and exploration. Of expansion. This word that so lights me up. It’s like a balloon for me – filling with gas, rising higher and higher. Seeing more, encompassing more, taking in more. And at the same time, not just having focus on the “more”, but also revelling in all that is. The mix of the new and the old, that which has been within me for a long time, and that which is new. In fertile soil, new things sprout from the collisions of new and old, growth results, and I, I am walking around in my internal garden, like a happy gardener, tending, caring for, watering and weeding, as needed.

A month that makes me grateful for being alive. For living and breathing. Wholeheartedly.

Read More