inside

On the inside

On the inside

August 21, 2020
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There’s so much on the inside, that I am not really getting out. Not on paper, not in conversation, not even in my internal dialogues with myself. Not in any way/shape/form I want to.

A tad frustrating.
But only for short moments.
Most often, I simply acknowledge it, allow it to be, and figure…
what comes out, comes out. What stays inside, stays inside.

In conversations, I get to try my thoughts out, practice speaking them out loud, trying to get unformed, unfinished thoughts to make their way outside of me, observing what happens within when I do. Being mirrored by those I am in communion with is like a rollercoaster ride. I get to listen (!) as they let my newly formed words move into them, twisting and turning, opening hearts and minds with any luck, and, if there’s resonance, voice something back to me, giving me a shot at the rollercoaster.

Sometimes, my mind takes a giant leap, far away from what I voiced minutes before.
Sometimes, I am brought much closer, strengthening my understanding, transforming those unfinished thoughts into more solid, tangible ones.
Sometimes, having me step an inch into the unknown, I come upon a somewhat new flavor, making me shift slightly from what it previously was, giving me an opportunity to taste my thoughts anew, new and fresh unformed, unfinished thoughts within.

There are blog posts I imagine myself writing.
Stories to tell. Insights to share.
Pod episodes and book reflections to flesh out on paper, publishing in the hope, the desire, for someone to share in the exploration.

And then.
Those depths within, as yet unexplored.
Deep, deep ones.
Cold. Dark.
Void of company.
I know it.
I need to go there.
I need to. Want to. Must!
For me. Not for anyone else, but for me. I want to, because I know (Know) this is what’s next in line, I am to take these depths on.
But how do I start?
When? Where? How, do I give myself permission to just dive in?

I sense how this, the discovery –the exploration– of these depths, acts as a plug. Unless attended to, they are keeping all of the rest of what’s on the inside trapped there, within, where nothing can get out, nothing can squeeze past. They are blocking the way.

Time has come.
Permission granted:
Dive in.


#tankespjärn, for those who wish to discover. More. Other. New.
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Not right now

May 31, 2020
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Again, I find myself with so much that wants to come out, and yet… no energy to make it take form.
There’s so much happening in the world today, so much horror and violence, injustice and upheaval, and I haven’t got the wherewithal to comment on it, and definitely not try to make sense of it, something which I am not sure is even possible.

At the same time, there’s an equal amount going on inside myself today, so many thoughts and reflections, insights and observations, and the same is true here. I haven’t got the wherewithal to get it onto paper, to have it laid out in front of me, even though I know, doing just that, is usually very helpful to me.

But I am not resourced enough right now, to do it.
However much it is usually helpful, right now is not the time.

So I let myself be. Not having to do.
Not right now.


#tankespjärn, for those who wish to discover. More. Other. New.
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Wholeheartedness – Reflection April ’17

April 1, 2017
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Ghost in the shellSitting in bed after having a slow morning. Went to the movies last night, the late night show, which I never ever go to. Except yesterday. And it was a nice break from what I usually do. Before the movies my friend Michael Sillion had thrown out an invitation to a #FutureDinner in the universe, and we ended up being five people at Satori, eating, talking, connecting; going deep.

It was a great experience, and I feel as if I’ve been shaken from my complacent and slightly lethargic “non-routine of socializing”, because truth be told, I’ve become more of a recluse since me and hubby separated, than any of us would have thought. I think I’ve needed it, but now, I think I need to start to aim myself outwards again. I mean, I am all about the inside and boy do I ever listen closely to whatever wants to happen, from within. But it’s time, to also listen more to what wants to happen without – me in the company of others. Wholeheartedly.

When Michael made the invite, I was so close to saying No thank you. Without really thinking about it. I managed to stop myself though, and deliberately decided to break out of my rut, by saying Yes, thank you, I’d love to join you!

It takes effort.
It’s easier, and less exhausting, to simply stay within the narrow confines of home and closest family. But I want more now. I want different. I want to spice up life, with other peoples input, thoughts, ideas, strange beliefs making me go: Huh, never thought about that, how fascinating!

So – anybody wanna join me and the kids for dinner tonight?

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