insight

Advent Calendar 11 – I was the most negative person I knew

Advent Calendar 11 – I was the most negative person I knew

December 11, 2018
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I have been the most negative person I knew.

For real.

The shift came about when I was nine months pregnant with my first child, when my then-husband called to break up with me. I was shaken, understandably, but at the same time took the opportunity to ask do you like who you are Helena? I also dared answer, truthfully, and the answer was heck no. I am so fed up being me!

Because I did hate. Or rather, I used the word hate. Possibly what I intended was disliked, but the word I used was h a t e. And it’s a word I am extremely restrictive with today. I can’t even say that I know there’s anything I hate, honestly. Hate takes a lot of energy. And I don’t want to put my energy on to that which I don’t want more of. I would much rather put my energy on that which I do want to see more of.

It is also very powerful for me to state this:
I have been and no longer am the most negative person I know! 

Once in a while, I do fall into negativity. Of course. I am human.
But it’s hard for me – truly hard – to remain negative for long. I simply cannot stay there. My mind automatically starts to look at what-ever-is-the-issue-at-hand from different perspectives, making it impossible to stay negative. Guess three times if I prefer being the most negative person in the world, or the opposite?


Advent Calendar 2018 – number 11 of 24 – on the theme of being gentle.

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Where should we begin?

November 19, 2017
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in Tip
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I stumble upon the podcast “Where should we begin? with Esther Perel” and all of a sudden, Esther is everywhere. I read about her here and there, friends refer to her, and she’s even a guest on “Terrible, thanks for asking”. Her book Mating in captivity is mentioned as a possible future read at the latest GIFTED book club meet up, and I can only surrender to this onslaught of synchronicity:Message from the universe

Yes – I hear you, Universe.
I am listening to her podcast.
I will pick up her book.

I get the message!

Listening to “Where should we begin? with Esther Perel” is quite the special pod-experience, unlike most other podcasts I listen to on a regular basis. Most intriguing is the way Esther surprises me, over and over again – she provides a different perspective; focussing on things I would not have thought of; she picks up on small, subtle nuances and… somehow… now and again, magic happens. There’s insight, there’s laughter, there’s a release of tension that is palpable even through the airwaves. Well worth a listen!

In 2015 I ran a series on herothecoach.com with Sunday postings of podcasts to my liking. In 2017 I will be re-posting some of those blog posts, mixing them up with new podcast recommendations, such as this one.

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Being gentle to me – Reflection June ’16

June 25, 2016
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When life shifts.

Have you ever thought about those shifts?
Plodding along, struggling, wrestling with trying to come to terms with this or that, dismayed and uncomfortable.
And then. A shift.
In a moment, something happens, an insight opens the gates to a new vista, something which could never be visible before, because I was not able to see it.

Being gentle to myself, both before, during and after shifts like that, now that is truly a gift!

Not hassling myself for not getting to the shift quick enough. No longer trying so hard to work it out, using logic. But rather, being ok with what is, even when what is is that “pre-shift”-state which can seen like an endless journey. Knowing, deep within me, that it will come. midsummerOr it won’t. Either way – life is what it is, and I am fine. My wellbeing has nothing to do with this. My wellbeing isn’t dependent upon me being “post-shift”. Not at all.

During the shift; being gentle to myself, welcoming whatever insight showed up. Being in full acceptance, which for me is the meaning of unconditional love.

And then moving on in life – expanding, discovering, uncovering – from a different standpoint. A shift means creating my experience of the world from a different come-from-place. Being curious. Loving. Excited. Vulnerable.

Living life. Gently.

Welcome to my humble abode, where the underlying tone centers around being gentle to oneself. I will be reflecting on a monthly basis on what that means to me, in the moment, and this is one of those reflections. I hope you enjoy it. If you do, please subscribe to updates so you won’t miss out on future reflections.

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Avoiding war, just to fall into a trap!

April 18, 2016
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Had another wonderful conversation with D. At the end if it, he gave me a gift, that opened up for a new insight in me.

The insight was this:armed
I have gotten to know myself so well by now, that when I am upset about whatever, while in a low state of mind, I don’t want to drag other people into my personal hell with me. So I (try as best as I can to) refrain from picking fights, withstand the urge to arm my self and to lash out, or at least, only to lash out while keeping myself under a tight leash to minimize the damage I do when cracking my whip. So I hide away, find some solitude, curl up all alone, and weather the internal storm without letting on what’s going on.

When the storm passes, and I move into a higher state of mind, I no longer feel the need to communicate whatever it was that had me upset in the first place. I don’t see the point to it. So I keep quiet. Even though my loved ones know I’ve been to hell and back – that’s apparent. They sense what I’ve been through, just as I sense it when they go through something similar. Without knowing the specifics. Without grasping possible insights or reflections that comes from it.

And that was the gift. Understanding that my burning desire to avoid going to war with someone important to me, had me fall into another trap! The trap of shutting them out when I don’t share my experiences once I’m in a higher state of mind. My loved ones don’t have a clue as to what I went through on the journey. If I don’t let them in, if I avoid to share my hardships with them, I effectively stop them from empathizing with me, from sharing my journey. And that can, in a sense, be as damaging as outright fighting can be. And I never knew. I just never thought about it this way.

But I see now, that in my efforts to shelter my loved ones from vitriolic words and emotions – anger, resentment, disgust, frustration, pain, annoyance – I’ve gone a step to far. I am happy I have learned to minimize the amount of vitriolic words and emotions that I expose my surroundings to, and that is something I will keep on working on, but… But!

I will start to share my experiences, once I am out of the rabbit hole, to open up for conversation, understanding, connection and deepening relationships. I will try to share, in such a way that I don’t pass the responsibility for my experiences onto anyone else, try my very best to communicate that I take full responsibility for me and my experiences, while at the same time, letting those near me in. Letting my loved ones come close. Closer. Not push them away, by enclosing myself behind a high and thick wall, not shove my loved ones away, out of a fear of hurting them.

The strategy I’ve been applying for the past few years is not optimal. I knew this. I know this. I feel it and have done for quite some time. I just never knew what it was that wasn’t all there. And now I do. Thanks to D. As so often in our conversations, he presented me with a gift, and I received it. Opened it. Listened within to what arose from hearing his thoughts spoken out load. Letting the insight wash over me. And expanded.

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