letting come

To my foremothers

To my foremothers

March 8, 2019
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International Women’s Day.
Today.

Over lunch with friends and colleagues the other day, I talked about the deep connection I have to the long line of women that have come before me; I can literally look over my right shoulder and sense them there. All of them. Thousands of them, strong women, connected to me womb by womb by womb. Back through the ages, until the beginning of time, human time.

That’s one of the images I have – and it’s powerful. Physical in a sense.

The other one is that the buck stops here.

Not in the sense that I haven’t given birth to a daughter. Because I have.
Rather… there’s a shift. With me. I bear the full weight of all that has gone before me, all the angst, the anxiety, the strength, but also the weakness. The inability to make choices, empowering choices, due to… well. Culture? Societal norms? Heritage and expectations of parents, relatives, and society at large? Yes. All of that.

Without resilience amongst the women that I am born of, I would not be here.
But there has been a struggle. A long hard one.

Photo by Anders Roos

Photo by Anders Roos

And it stops here.
I am breaking patterns, that have been passed down, from mother to daughter for millennia.
Tossing them up in the air, and like a skilled juggler, catching the components, and making new patterns.

For all of my foremothers that have walked the earth, and all of my descendants to come – I am breaking patterns.
Healing wounds, wounds of ages past, as well as those of today.

The image of my female ancestors came to me in a session with D. Who else? A catalyst he is. Opening up for what wants to happen. For letting go, as well as letting come. At the time, I wrote about the experience thus:

I saw more of me.
Saw those that came before me, the generations upon generations of women who have given birth to babies, who in turn bore babies, and somewhere along the line, this resulted in my mother giving birth to me. And me giving birth to my daughter.

About holding it in…. or not.
The pivotal moment in time when the path ahead, for the women stemming from my womb, going back all the way to the womb of my First Mother, shifts, no longer carrying the weight, the burden, of judgement and inner harshness, concealed within. Letting it out into the world. Being, perhaps, created by those who cannot stand to see it, visibly, so used to it being concealed. Cringing from the physical aspects of it, when it is recreated outside, rather than sneakily hidden underneath the skin, the flesh, deep within our soulbodies. So much easier to ignore, pretend it’s not existing, turning it into something that-we-must-not-name…

My back pains. Related to this. Without a doubt. A not-so-gentle way to let me know, there’s more I need to let go of! For us. All of us! Knowing… that I would not be where I am, without the strength, resilience, survival instincts and skills of all the women that stand, physically, behind me, all the way back to my First Mother.

Humbled. Honored.
Proud!

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Zero burpees.

February 27, 2019
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May 28th 2016 I started a #100dayburpeeschallenge. I didn’t do the challenge as per the rules for it (Adding a burpee every day of the challenge, starting with one and ending with 100), but I did a number of burpees every day, a total of 3000 during those 100 days. And day 101, I just kept at it, and I have, ever since.

But today, I made an intentional decision to stop.
1005 days in a row, I’ve done at least one burpee, often more.
A total of 12911 burpees gives me an average of almost 13 burpees/day.

But today I stopped this routine. Deliberately.

With a bit of help from my friend (D, as always. Where would I be without him? Who would I be?) I’ve realized that I need movement. My body needs movement. But not the same type of movement every day. Sometimes, I feel as if my body is of triple density, being heavy, so incredibly heavy. Those days, it’s an absolute pain doing my burpees. It’s as if I am not supposed to do them, being too much of a struggle.

Other days, it’s as if there’s no gravity holding me down. I jump, up, up, up, light as a feather, with an enormous amount of energy and bounce within bursting out of me. Those days, doing my burpees is a joy. It’s as if I am headed for heaven!

Heavy Helena and Heavenly Helena need to move. But they (me – different aspects of me, I know that.) need different movements. Not the same. One size doesn’t fit all, not even when “all” is but the various ways I show up in the world.

So I will be continuing with my daily Seven but will be dropping my daily burpees and the burpees log.
Letting go.
Letting come.

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Slow down. Ease up.

February 16, 2019
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As I walked through the door, exclaiming my back is killing me, D picked up on the message. When we sat down to work with the pain, he asked me: What did you feel as you stepped through the door?

I didn’t really have an answer, so he asked if I wanted to hear his impression. Yes, please tell me, I responded. What else could I say, being a Curious George and all that…

So he said, slow down. That’s the message I got, to slow down. Ease up a little. 

I’ve carried the message with me, this past week, using it as a baseline to reflect on what I am doing, in which areas, and how it all serves me. Or doesn’t, for that matter.

Coming to a realization that for quite some time I’ve been pushing all my own buttons. At the same time. Working on all areas, simultaneously. Pushing against the boundaries of my comfort zone… no, that’s untrue. I’ve been pushing against the boundaries of my stretch zone, going dangerously into the red snap zone… in many, if not all, areas of life.

I realized, as I took in the message I was sending but not picking up on, that I don’t have to work in all areas, everywhere, all the time. It is not only reasonable but actually wise, to heed the advice of the master of self-care, Pop the cat. Let myself rest, consolidate, push fewer buttons, letting come that which wants to come, given that I let go of that which has done its job.

So I breathe in. Hold it, for a few seconds. Then… exhale, letting go of a bit of the urge within, to be done. Knowing it’s not at the finishing line the reward of this journey lies. It is the journey itself. That is the reward. The growth. The expansion. The learning. That which is life. Living it. Loving it. Letting go to let come, and reveling in each twist and turn, each nook and cranny, falling through internal trap doors, one after the other. All the while being open. And gentle. Knowing my gentleness towards myself is that which ensures the openness, the willingness, the ability to step without hesitation into the next inch of the unknown.

As a direct result of the reflective process of this past week, I honored myself today.
Saying No to others. Saying Yes to me.
Slowing down. Easing up.

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4 years and 10 months

December 12, 2017
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Four years and ten months since I got an email from a former colleague at a new company, asking if I had time for, and was interested in working i, a specific project he had in mind.

I said yes. So for fBoldomaticPost_it-s-time-to-let-goour years and ten months I’ve been working for this project that is nearing it’s end, although not quite – but my work is done.

That’s the best part of being a consultant for me – knowing in my heart when it’s time to let go, when I’ve done what I can, when there is no longer any need for me and my services, because others have taken on the various tasks that I’ve had on my plate.

Projects tend to be learning experiences, especially the type of projects I’ve had the privilege of participating in during my years in the pharmaceutical (as well as food-packaging) industry – mainly focussed on equipment, facilities and media. (And if you go Huh, what’s she talking about? just drop me a message and I’d gladly have a conversation about my professional background!) So I’ve had four years and ten months of having a lot of fun, met some great people, got to visit Hamburg (and other parts of Germany for that matter) a number of times, have had my fair share of frustration, and all in all – to my eternal gratitude – have learnt so much!

This project has been a part-time assignment for all but a few weeks here and there, so it’s never been “all that I do” (another thing I am very grateful for – I love the diversity of what I do!). I have lots of other projects and assignments on my plate, both new and old one’s, but this project has still been a part of my work life for a long time, so letting go isn’t done without experiencing a twang of regret for what will no longer be.

On the other hand, that twang is accompanied by the bubbling anticipatory experience of letting come:
What want’s to happen now?

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Wholeheartedness – Reflection June ’17

June 1, 2017
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A month has passed, when I could no longer deny the soft whisperings of wisdom from within. I cried, I wrote, I refused to see the obvious, as it was laid out in front of me… but with the help of good friends, I finally opened my eyes, my mind and my heart, so that I could see – with all senses – what I have been trying to deny, for some time now.

I first spoke it into the world, in a sharing circle, with three wise ladies who simply held me. No words necessary; held in a loving silence, embraced by warmth and acceptance. A safe haven to give birth to this insight.

And, like with learning to ride a bike, or learning how to read, once it’s learned – it cannot be unlearned. The same is valid here. Once I’d spoken this truth into the world, it became solid. Impossible for me to continue to ignore.

farewell. and welcomeIt’s not been a fast process. It’s taken its time. Like a child in the womb, needing nine months to develop, this too, has been a period of gestation, needing months to develop. And finally – I was ready for it. In pain, in joy; both dreading and rejoicing in the occasion.

With my whole heart, I am taking steps forward, expanding into a new reality.

Letting go; letting come.
Farewell. And welcome!

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Doing gentle – 44 – Letting go and letting come

November 13, 2016
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aloneI want to separate. He said.
I don’t. I said. But what to do, since it takes two to tango? 

So he left. Got a rental apartment and moved out, a month later, providing me with the grand opportunity to practice the fine art of letting go and letting come.

Letting go of all my beliefs about what our relationship was, and should be.
Letting go of the way I would have liked for us to be working on our relationship, living under the same roof.
Letting go of the feeling that somehow I’ve failed. Again. Second time around.

Letting come whatever our relationship might transform into.
Letting come the sweet sensation of knowing it – life – is up to me. Going it alone, with all the up’s and down’s it brings with it.
Letting come the curiosity of what wants to happen now.

Letting go of that which has been, that which is no more.
Letting come that which wants to happen.

What is there for you to let go of, in order to let something else come?

Welcome to my humble abode, where the underlying tone centers around being gentle to oneself. On Sundays I share thoughts on how I do gentle, and I hope you enjoy it. If you do, please subscribe to updates so you won’t miss out on future posts in this series.

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Letting go – Letting come

September 15, 2016
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Found this little video snippet in the MITx U.Lab-group on Facebook, about the power in spending more time being, rather than doing. And no. I don’t knock doing. I know we live in a world where we have to do both this and that, to survive. But still. I’d venture a bet that the doing part sort of works itself out, without us fussing so much over it. But the being part. Now, that’s something that it seems we’ve almost forgotten about, how it’s done. *pun intended*

One of the concepts within the #ULab is Letting go – Letting come. And I love that. I’ve let myself sink into that concept, it’s like a soft woolen blanket, wrapped around me, reclining in a comfortable armchair…

Letting go.

When letting go, I open up for new things. If I let them, that is. It can be as hard to let go of my resistance to let go, as it can be to let come. These ladies talk about what they wouldn’t give for a chance to revisit their younger self. Being kinder to themselves, with the ability to let go, spending more time being, not doing.

It’s beautiful this video, I’ve watched it several times now, and causes me to stop.
Pause. Look around me. Inhale and smell my surroundings.
Take in the sounds close and afar, feel my body relax as I exhale. Noticing.

Relax. Breathe.
#LetGo. 

What might come, if you let go?

Since 2012 I have blogged, mostly in Swedish, over at herothecoach.com and this post is a sample of what I’ve been writing over the years, in English. I hope you enjoy this #ThrowbackThursday, originally published here, and if you do, please subscribe to updates so you won’t miss out on future posts. And as an extra gift for you – check out #ulab – Leading from the emerging future, that is just starting in September 2016. I have joined in – again – and I strongly recommend that you do too!

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That which is

August 29, 2016
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that which isThat which is, it is. No less. No more. Just, what is.

I can like it. Or not.
I can dislike it. Or not.
It doesn’t really matter, because it is.
How I respond to it, will cause me to suffer. Or not.

Is it really as simple as that?
Yes. It is.

But just because I know this, doesn’t always mean that I like it. However, the fact of the matter is, what I believe should be, that is not, is the cause of all my suffering. Not accepting the now, the here, the isness of the present moment.

So I sit here, letting it all flow through me. All the emotions. The highs. And the lows. Especially the lows. Oh, those lows. Letting go…. letting come. Not clinging to any one emotion, or thought. Not fighting them off either. They can come. But if the answer is No when I ask How does this serve me? – then I will gently show them the door, and resist the temptation (habit?) to hold on desperately to what should be, rather than what isn’t. To frenetically fend off that which is, when I want something else instead.

That which is, it is.
What I can do, is to call forth the best me I can, under the circumstances.

Closing one door, knowing that somewhere, a door is opening. Somewhere. It will come to me. When it is time.
Until then – letting go, letting come. Like a breath. Inhale. Exhale.

Knowing, owning, accepting, that what is, is. 

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