living

Time enough.

Time enough.

June 8, 2019
/ / /

Going home. Happy I chose the slow route. A full eight hours to let the experiences of the past two days settle within, integrate, solidify. 

Time enough for soul and body to catch up with each other. 

Time enough for mind and heart to digest the richness of these past few days. 

Time enough for me to revel in remembrance, letting my heart overflow with the joy and gratitude that comes with living life at its fullest. 

Read More

I choose to!

May 24, 2019
/ / /

Attended a funeral.
A life, coming to an end.
A long life, lived.

Solemn feeling.
Filled with gratitude for living, for loving, for laughing, for learning.
Reminisce about loved ones who’ve gone before.

Tears fall, slowly, effortlessly.
Not sad tears. Loving tears. Heartfelt tears.
For lives, and choices.
The ones that serve. The ones that don’t.
How it all constitutes a life. A life lived.
Because they are, all of them, those lives.
Lived. One way or another.

And then… sooner or later, they come to an end.
Mine will too.
But not today. Not now.
Every day of life is a day of living.
Loving. Laughing. Learning.
If I choose to make it thus…

I choose to!

Read More

What to stop doing?

March 20, 2019
/ / /

As I was pondering what I do to earn a living (I’ve had my own company since October 1st, 2007), I came up with a multitude of ideas on what m o r e I can do, on top of my existing income streams. Those I will be exploring and playing around with, for sure. But more importantly, I also started to look at what I do, that perhaps I should s t o p doing?

Any existing income-generating activities that I should stop doing? Worth pondering, for sure.

But the real deal-breaker is likely to be that which takes time and effort without giving me the results I am looking for? Like… spending time on social media without a clear purpose? Meetings of various sorts that are super-nice, but are they aligned with the results I am going for? Blogging and vlogging?

I blog every day. And I love it. Or rather, I love it most days. Sometimes it’s a drag, but I’ve resolved to stick to my intention of a daily blog post, if nothing else because it’s easier to stick to the routine if I blog daily, not making it a choice really. Yet. Blogging takes time. Let’s say I spend half an hour up to an hour a day to write and publish my daily post. Sometimes less… sometimes more. What could I do with this hour that would be of more value to me – and you? Or is this an hour that i s generative enough to warrant the effort, only in different ways than strictly monetary?

I know I would not be who I am, or where I am, today, without blogging, which I have now done, more or less daily, since January 2013. But is it still as rewarding as it has been?

I also vlog every day, on Facebook, and have for 140 days in a row. And I think I love that too. The same reasoning as for the blog is valid for the vlogging. Except it takes way less time. 5-10 minutes, and I am done. However, it’s not at all my medium in the same way as writing/blogging is. I like letting words pour out of me, down through my fingers and onto (digital) paper. I enjoy the vlogging as well, but it’s different. Perhaps the major reason for me not being as enamored with vlogging because I personally prefer reading to listening/watching vlogs. (Pods on the other hand – those I love!)

Podding is something I am on the brink of doing… so I will have to take a raincheck on that medium for the moment, as I don’t know what the actual effort and possible reward from it will be.

Results and rewards are definitely not o n l y to be measured in terms of money. And yet – if there’s very little, or no, monetary gains to show for a lot of invested effort, that effort has to be balanced out somehow. Because there’s a bottom line here. I want – need! – to invoice a certain sum every month, in order to pay me as well as cover all other expenses.

So.
What do I spend my time on?
What’s the required effort, how much of my energy is used, and what’s the end result?
What is the reward, and does it match the effort used?

 

Read More

Loving living life!

January 23, 2019
/ / /

What gets me going is this: Seeing people use their energy wisely, making the most of it, loving the life they live, rather than beating themselves up for not being enough and/or for not doing enough.

When what I see, is people who simply misuse their energy. Burning fuel, getting nowhere. What a waste!

A waste of energy, yes, for sure, but more than that, it’s a waste of possibility, of playfulness, of experimentation and plain old having fun. And that’s not the point of living. The point of living is living. So live! Because when you live a life where your being and your doing are closely aligned, your energy is used efficiently, getting you where you want to go, and more importantly: getting there wholeheartedly, with a deep sense of knowing your own worth. And that’s what you are worth – honor yourself by making sure you live life from this viewpoint!

Helping someone get to that point, where life is lived, fully, oh… it’s just the best! I love it. So that’s what I will be up to in 2019, helping people start loving living life.
❤️💙💛💚💜

Read More

Barefoot.

October 11, 2018
/ / /

Barefoot shoes.
The best (albeit an oxymoron of grand proportions)!
Even better; barefoot for real.

It is a wonderful way to connect to what is.
Making me, without a shadow of a doubt, be extremely aware of the way my feet meet the ground, and what that ground consists of. Each step can be different.

Paved roads.
Gravel paths.
Grass. Cold from the morning dew, or warm from a hot summers day.

A muddy uphill stretch, making my toes dig in for traction.
Small pebbles hurting my feet – like stepping on Lego.
Acorns and leaves, chestnuts and broken off twigs.

Grounding myself.
Becoming more aware of what else is around me, as my feet somehow lead the way. On an adventurous exploration of my closest surroundings.

Sharpening my senses. All of them. Feeling each and every small irregularity of the ground beneath me, irregularities totally masked when wearing “normal shoes”. Noticing the birds chirping, the squirrel jumping quickly across the path up a tree, the colors of autumn – the vibrant greens, reds, yellows and browns. Orange. Black. Contrasted with the crips clear air of October – making me look up at the bluest of blue skies.

Barefoot I meet the world around me, closer, fuller. Naked. Skin on ground.
As I finish my run, my feet tingle, blood flow maximized, a sensation of being very much alive.

Dip my feet in a water bucket in the garden, jiggling them around to get rid of the worst of the remnants from my run, a leaf stuck onto of my foot, grass between my toes, and a splash of mud here and there. Surprisingly clean, honestly. The wetter the ground – like the morning dew of my run this week – the more visible it is, that I’ve actually run without shoes. On a dry summer day – my feet almost look the same before and after a run.

Regardless of when… the feeling! Incomparable. Something akin to the sensation of a winter bath after a stint in a really hot sauna. Suddenly my entire body is tingling with life, pulsating, a-knocking to remind me, it’s there.

It’s here.
Life. To be lived.
To its fullest.

 

Read More

Wholeheartedness – Reflection December ’17

December 25, 2017
/ / /

My final reflective blog post on the intention I placed upon 2017: Wholeheartedness – living life wholeheartedly. I’ve already started to reflect quite a lot on my upcoming yearly intention, earlier than what has normally been the case for me. So the intention for 2018 feels like it’s one born out of necessity, out of a willingness and urge to explore what might come with a year of intentional living… but not so fast, my dear. I have yet to do this final reflection on wholeheartedness.

wholehearted me december 2017Given all the ups and downs of 2017, I have most definitely been aided by having this intention. Not letting myself forget, that it’s my life, it’s my heart, and I am the one in charge of making, creating, shaping my life in a manner most coherent with my beliefs, wishes, desires, aspirations, goals, values – call it whatever you like, I am still the one in charge. It’s on me.

And nowadays, for me, that’s a very hopeful and inspiring statement to make: I’m in charge. It’s on me.

The old Helena would have been intimidated by it, scared, and most of all, reluctant to honor it – reluctant to honor myself, in a sense, not believing I had it in me, not wanting to own my life and my experiences, believing life was easier if someone else was responsible. But alas – that’s not how it works. No one else can be responsible, because I am the one who shape my experience of my life. It comes from within. Being open to that, to all of my experiences, sure makes a difference. And that, in and of itself, is perhaps a definition of wholeheartedness? Not shying away from anything, not even the stuff most difficult to face, the bits and pieces of me that I have spun stories around, making it shameful, despicable, unworthy.

Being open to all of me, my whole heart, has helped me put less and less weight upon the stories I spin that are no longer serving me – and with that I have more energy for that which serves me: such as living a wholehearted life.

Read More

Wholeheartedness – Reflection February ’17 

February 1, 2017
/ / /

A month of having wholeheartedness as my intention for the year.
staying togetherA month of breakthroughs.
Where me and my husband have made a decision to stay together while continuing to live apart.

Where I have seen patterns of old, patterns that no longer serve me or anyone around me for that matter. And just seeing patterns like this, means they start to fall apart, no longer the easiest route for my system to revert to when triggered. The path no longer represents the automatic and unconcious way ahead.

Where I see how easy it is for me to say Yes. To be open to opportunity, to possibility. Saying Yes, and learning new things. And yet. Also cramming my schedule. Knowing I can fit it all in, deliver the goods…. with the cost of putting myself on the backburner. As a solopreneur, once in a while this is a wise move. Given one thing: that I take extra care of myself these upcoming months, ensure I stick to my daily rituals, that so vitalize me, makes me nourish connections and be aware of the contribution I am bringing to the world.

A month of deep inner discovery and exploration. Of expansion. This word that so lights me up. It’s like a balloon for me – filling with gas, rising higher and higher. Seeing more, encompassing more, taking in more. And at the same time, not just having focus on the “more”, but also revelling in all that is. The mix of the new and the old, that which has been within me for a long time, and that which is new. In fertile soil, new things sprout from the collisions of new and old, growth results, and I, I am walking around in my internal garden, like a happy gardener, tending, caring for, watering and weeding, as needed.

A month that makes me grateful for being alive. For living and breathing. Wholeheartedly.

Read More

Getting a divorce?

January 30, 2017
/ / /

Are you getting a divorce?
No. We will stay married. We love each other, and it feels right, at this very moment, to give that love space and light, nourishment and care!

Will you be moving back in with each other then?
No. We will continue to live under two roofs. We love each other, and want to be together. And in that togetherness it feels right, at this very moment, to stay särbo [a Swedish term, not to be confused with sambo which means co-living without being married. Särbo means living apart but being together.].

But why? If you love each other, and want to stay married, why don’t you move back in with each other? Because it feels best right now, to continue down the path we started on in the fall. Not to wear and tear on each other, every single day, but to let love, and longing, grow in peace. We see each other every week, we talk in one form or another every day, we help each other with all that we can do for one another and for the kids (both the younger and the older). And we let the longing for a hug, a kiss, a hot embrace, grow, expand, and rejoice ever more in the happiness at actually seeing each other.

But the kids? Do you truly have the kids best interest at heart?
Yes. All the time. In all we do. Being good parents – together, and separately – is something we’ve been very conscious about keeping top of mind these past months. To never let go of the fact that we are, indeed, parents. Together. Regardless of where our love relationship will go, how it might come to look in any given moment and what it might evolve into over time, we are parents, together. Guarding the relationship we have as parents, and because of that, the family relationship, is the most important we can do. That is the contract agreed upon when two adults form a family together. Holding the child/children’s best interest at heart – and at the same time never forgetting that children fare best with parents who thrive. In this way, we are doing our best for everyone!

Ok. But that almost seems a bit cold, almost as if you’ve rationally figured out what’s best for you at the moment?
Yes. Perhaps. But… at the same time, perhaps not? Both heart and brain have been of great service to us in this process. We love each other, that’s the very foundation. That has become very clear these past six months. And perhaps, for the very reason that we love each other, and at the same time, both of us feel the need for change as compared to “the old days, the old ways”, and as a result, living apart as särbo is our choice.

With open eyes, an open mind and an open heart.

With less expectations and more conversations and vulnerability.

Where we take walks together, every week, and talk. Open up about everything. Talk on heaven and hell. On dreams, love, wishes. On practical things such as dental retainers and computer games, on the wellbeing of our children, on what’s new at work. On quality management systems and holiday trips. As well as on fears, questions on things we hope we’ve misunderstood, expectations that pop up with an intent to disappoint.

Conversations that have already provided such gifts. Insights. Closeness. Warmth.

Conversations, where we help each other – both together and separately – to break patterns that no longer serve anyone. Patterns that are remnants of old experiences, patterns best put under a microscope, where it becomes obvious they no longer serve, in the form they have withstood the test of time. Worn down and applied in the wrong situations they simply make life harder.

Love on a growth pathIn this särbo-relationship, living apart, I have a much stronger sensation of being close, than when we lived underneath one roof, and I sometimes experienced jarring feelings of being lonely. The connection between us, now, so much stronger. Stronger, and growing, enriched by small (and large) evidence of love and respect. A särbo-relationship, where it’s easier for us to give each other space for our different needs and desires. Where we can be there, for each other, and at the same time give ourselves place and space to land, to learn, to live.

For me, Living is at the center of my being. Not surviving, not existing. But truly Living. And as our ideas on what it means to Live, are (somewhat) different, this turns into less of a potential problem, and rather into a source of exciting new things, discoveries, insights, to bring to moments of Us; by us choosing each other, choosing living apart as särbo, choosing to say yes to the love that exists between us.

And I can see it. I can see how we give insights more space, sharing conclusions with each other, breaking patterns. Helping each other break patterns! Helping each other, with curiosity, openness and with great care: warm loving care and concern. The ability not to fall for the initial feeling, which – much like for Alice – opens the gateway straight down into Wonderland. The traps, hidden by trap doors, no longer as easy to fall into. More observing, of each other, and as a direct result, observing of the dymanics between us. And with the will to create a good rappore, much more outspoken than when everyday life grinds away at Us.

We are making an active choice to become särbo, living apart, because we love one another!

Read More