marriage

With a little help from my friends… or with money?

With a little help from my friends… or with money?

February 11, 2019
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When I have a need, say of a long ladder so the chimney sweeper coming for his annual visit can get up on the roof, or a car for a few hours or a day, or help to take care of Pop the cat for a few days, or whatever really – my first instinct is to think about my friends. Might there amongst them be someone who can help me, or at least point me in a direction that could solve my problem/tend to my need?

I think it always has been my initial reaction. But I’m not sure.
I know I started to get really good at asking for help once my first marriage crashed and burned five weeks before the birth of my eldest child. Have a hard time to recall if I was as good at asking for help before that, but have a feeling I was. At least pretty good at it. But ever since that crash and burn, I’ve gotten really good at asking for help, and am proud of it!

The other possible reaction is to look for a service provider to tend to the need. Buy a ladder. Call a taxi or book a car in a carpool. Get Pop a few days vacation at a cattery.

These two approaches to life, and to solving one’s needs, are just that, two different approaches. I for one instinctively go for the first, and if that doesn’t work out, choose a suitable service provider to ensure I get my needs met. Neither approach is inherently good or bad. But… at the same time, the benefits of the first approach, of asking near and dear ones for help, has some (perhaps not so) hidden advantages to it. If I ask you for help, and you can help, the likelihood of you asking me, or others, for help when you need it increases. In this way, we weave a tapestry of relationship, of friendship, of live, concern and care. If I always turn to a professional service provider to help me out, I am effectively not weaving myself into that tapestry of mutual relationships, and I think that’s a dangerous path to choose.

We know that one of the most significant indicators of happiness is the strength of a person’s relationships. Asking for, and responding to requests for, help, is definitely one important part of relationship-building. We are better together, that’s the superpower of human beings. If I don’t do my bit in giving others the chance to help me, I am holding back on strengthening relationships not just for my own sake, but also for those close to me, am I not? And what message am I sending, by not asking for help? Is it a signal I want to send?

So perhaps… I am wrong in saying there’s nothing inherently good nor bad in these two approaches? Perhaps there is more good to be had from asking for help, than from paying a service provider? At least if I never ever ask anyone for help. But perhaps people like that simply do not exist?

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Mating in captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence (book 6 of 26)

March 25, 2018
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in Tip
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Mating in captivityInternational bestseller is written on the cover Esther Perels first book Mating in captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, and I get why. It’s a very interesting read, opening up loads of questions for me.

Given the dissolution of my (second) marriage, quite naturally I’m interested in relationships, breakup’s, love and desire, and the wealth of topics – and experiences – related to this. In the midst of it all, Esther Perel turns up in my life, in podcasts (her own, Where should we begin?, as well as interviews on other shows), and in other forums.

“[…] when we trade passion for stability, are we not merely swapping one fantasy for another? As Stephen Mitchell points out, the fantasy of permanence may trump the fantasy of passion, but both are products of our imagination. We long for constancy, we may labor for it, but it is never guaranteed.”

No. Constancy is not guaranteed.
I for one know all too well that it is not.

“Erotic intimacy is the revelation of our memories, wishes, fears, expectations, and struggles within a sexual relationship. When our innermost desires are revealed, and are met by our loved one with acceptance and validation, the shame dissolves. It is an experience of profound empowerment and self-affirmation for the heart, body and soul. When we can be present for both love and sex, we transcend the battleground of Puritanism and hedonism.”

What opens up for me now, with a second divorce on my resumé… is there’s definitely a battleground to transcend, oh yeah. There’s so much for me to discover. Mostly about myself. About my body, my sexuality and sensuality and most certainly about my erotic intelligence. Trust me when I say, that’s not a combination of words I’ve ever used before, never ever. About time perhaps?

“It takes courage to push yourself to places that you have never been before… to test your limits… to break through barriers. And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” – Anaïs Nin

The book I am blogging about is part of the book-reading challenge I’ve set for myself during 2018, to read and blog about 26 Swedish and 26 English books, one book every week, books that I already own. 
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Space of Now

January 18, 2017
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Rereading Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now I am elated to read about what I am experiencing right now. Being in the Now. Not knowing what lies ahead, and not really bothering with it either. Being in the Now; Being happy here. Feeling content, in peace. Relaxed. In the space of Now, where things are good and I am at peace, I cook dinner. Eat. Talk to kids. Cuddle with them a bit. Feed the cat. Hang the wet laundry to dry. Ride my bike to a meeting. Knit on my woolen sweater while watching a TED Talk. Blog. Read. Talk to the school nurse of one of my legal guardians aka unaccompanied minor refugee. Light a fire in the living room stove. Walk to the nearest PokémonGo-gym, battling my way in. Pop the cat on the sofaTake a photo of Pop the cat while he’s sleeping in the most adorable way on the sofa. Text with friends and family. Write a quotation for an assignment that would be thrilling to get. Read a high-level guideline on quality systems. Order a few Christmas gifts. Light a candle and finish a Sudoku.

It’s good. Life.

I don’t know what will come, and I don’t have the sense that I need to, or even want to know. It will come. Or rather, life is constituted of moments of Now, and in those moment, most often there is peace, tranquility, excitement, joy, laughter, tears, thrill and connection. And when I simply allow myself to be there, in the moment, living, feeling, experiencing… Then life is good.

I especially don’t know what will be with regards to my marriage. But… it doesn’t hurt, at least not right now. And it hasn’t for the past few weeks. I’ve let go of a lot of would’s and should’s and why-not’s, and in return, I get to relax into what is. Yes, we are living apart. Yes, there is still love. Yes, there is a strong will to ensure that no matter where our relationship ends up, that it will be in a place of mutual respect. Yes, there is the longing for the familiar, and when I open my arms and invite him in, he comes. That way, I get to enjoy it. Him. Me. Us. And it’s sweeter somehow. No longer taking anything for granted; When I want a stronger sense of connection, I ask for it. Or he asks and I say Yes. And there, in the space of Now of the is-ness of life, it is all good and I am filled with a deep sense of inner peace.

Not bothering my mind with if’s, but’s, and what-might-be’s, but rather… breathing in, breathing out, letting go, letting come, and resting in the space of Now.

It’s good. Life.
Right Now.

The above text was written November 30th 2016.

As I reread it, I see the pivot I did sometime before writing this, with regards to my marriage, but also with regards to life itself. Something I am grateful for having experienced, a pivot I would not wish to be without. So. There is much gratitude for the way life has unfolded, and continues to unfold. In the most mysterious and unknown way. It’s good. Life. Right Now.

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Who I already am.

September 10, 2016
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So, even if you make plans you never think you’re really ready for marriage?” 

“No,” Seinfeld said. “It’s like any growth. You can’t be ready for it because it’s growth. It’s going to be new. You’re going to have a new life. You’re going to be a new person.”

I like Seinfeld’s definition of growth. You’re not ready for marriage. You’re not ready to start a business. You’re not ready to move to a new city. You’re not ready for growth … and that’s exactly why it will make you grow. Start before you feel ready.

By definition, growth must be something that makes you feel unprepared and uncertain. If it was comfortable and easy, it wouldn’t be growth. It would be normal. It would be standard. It would be who you already are.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

BoldomaticPost_Who-I-already-amWho I already am.

Wow.

I read that sentence over and over again, shiver, close my eyes, and feel my entire body relax into the unknown, that thing, which I am not, and never can be, ready for.

If I was ready, I would already have done it.
The only way to “be ready”, is to have already done it.
And I haven’t. Not yet.

Exhale and let go.
Knowing letting go opens up for letting come that which wants to happen.

That me – that is a second from emerging from the growth.
That me – that in the next moment, again will be not-ready for the next thing, and the next.
A never ending story, and that’s precisely how it’s supposed to be.
Otherwise I would never grow into becoming whom I will become.

And in the meantime, as I practice the fine art of being gentle towards myself, that which is life is lived, loved, experienced and treasured. Each glorious unknown and non-ready second of it!

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