How easy it is to fly off into the sunset… imagining all sorts of things, painting a picture of this, that, or the other thing. Working it all out, planning a future in details, when really, all there is. Is now. Here. Nothing else. Simply Here. And Now.Read More
On the sofa.
After a very productive day.
Did the daily rituals, and the preparations for a 3-week course I am holding starting next week, and took a bike ride, and spent time with the eldest (soon off to Australia for the better part of a year. Better make the most of the time that’s left!), and started a new knitting project (Delightful, the shawl), and filled in the forms for an insurance claim, and, and, and…
Only to stop. Suddenly.
Realizing I’ve hardly breathed all day. All year.
2019 started off with me high on energy, like a Duracell bunny, going, going, going, going, going…
And I love it. I enjoy being high on energy. But I also love to reset myself. When I let me just be. Listening within… I breathe in. Out. In. Out.
Close my eyes and let myself sink into Now. Here. The isness of life.
All the books I want to read this year (no less than 75), the blog posts I want to write (all 365 of them), the burpees I want to make (a burpee a day keeps the doctor away), the meditations I want to do (Headspace ftw), the runs I want to run (no less than 75, same as for the books), the Pokémons I want to catch, the bike rides I want to take, the dates I want to have, the laughs and the cries I want to have, the podcasts I want to listen to…
It’s all there. In the future.
As it should be.
But right now, I can let it all go, and just be. Right here. Right now.
(Because Now is all there really is.)
No musts. No wants even.
Only the soft inhalation making my body expand, followed by the equally soft exhalation, body contracting.
Like the waves of the ocean, gently lapping the pebbled beach.
Listening within I pick up on the message, spoken in a low and gentle whisper:
It’s time to go to bed. Rest. Recharge. Reset.
Woke up this morning to a white landscape, after having read in the newspaper yesterday that Christmas would be green down south in Sweden where I live. I was elated, and I was most definitely open for the magic of the ordinary, being totally awed by the transformation of the view outside my window.
Biked (!) to the grocery store – which is indeed an adventure with 10 cm of snow on the bike path -, did my Facebook Live outside and went for an evening walk, giving myself a thorough dose of the beauty of a snowy landscape. In between all of that, I’ve made vegan and vegetarian dishes for the Christmas Eve smorgasbord (spelled properly, i.e. Swedish: smörgåsbord), listening to Christmas music recorded a few years ago with the choirs of my parish (including mine, so yes, I’m in it).
Fully enjoying every moment. Because that is what there is. The Now. One after another, these Now’s are stacked upon the previous one, and all I ever really have is the Now. So I don’t care that the snow will soon start to melt away, transforming from white snow into greyish slush, turning into ice if and when the temperature drops below zero… as it is, right now, I fully enjoy it!
Advent Calendar 2018 – number 23 of 24 – on the theme of being gentle.Read More
Where to start? What do I want to communicate? What do I really feel after the 75 minute long session on Shame?
You did it well, long-distance and all. As if you were in the same room, the distance between Malmö-Stockholm annihilated by the SKYPE-connection that gave me your voice into my ears, straight into my head, into my body. When I closed my eyes, it was as if you held me, which you really did, with the help of the sofa I sat in.
I honor myself, and my choice to reach out to you, to start – in a pace dictated solely by the urgings of my Self – to deal with this that has been long forgotten, deeply hidden away; that which I have yet to shine a light on. A good start today, a start that did me good, and felt nice.
During the session thought upon thought was born, associations to various events throughout my life, memories slowly floating up to the surface, connections made – that I had never before seen – that docked into one another like a well-oiled mechanical machinery.
Went for a walk afterwards – just took off, letting the energy stream continue to flow; walked barefoot, threading softly on grassy lawns and pebbled pathways, earthing myself. Landed. Breathed in and let come. And more than that, breathed out and let go.
I can see how I did the best I could, under the circumstances. Clever was your word for it. Yes, I dealt with it in a clever way! But not just me. Others did the best they could, given their circumstances; they also acted clever, based on their perspective, needs, defense mechanisms and abilities.
I can see that too, and with tenderness I gaze into history, at both myself and the others. Not judging. That doesn’t serve me. Knowing there is a chance – in due time. I’m in no rush. This can take as little or as long time as it needs to – to let go, to let the ball dissolve, in the same way that I, with patience and calm untangle skeins of yarn that have become horribly entangled. I am good at untangling knots others believe were impossible to untangle, and that’s what will happen here as well. Only – without any demands for achievement. No deadline. No explicit goal.
And above all else, I do this for me. In my way. For my wellbeing.
Not controlled, not according to a fixed (time) plan. No. What will happen will happen, because it’s what wants to happen, in the moment. Not what I want to happen, definitely not what someone else wants to – or feels should – happen. But what wants to happen.
That’s where I exhale and let go – and enjoy the moment of Now!
So much is happening. Within. I am discovering, internally, falling down trap doors that in an instant makes me a time traveller. Takes me into a different time, another situation, with people from the past. Making me react, now, as if, I was still in the past situation. Not serving me, at all. But possible for me to observe. And when I do – the chances of me falling through that specific internal trap door again, reduces. I will be less prone to time travel to a distant memory, that no longer bear any relevance to who I want to be today, how I want to show up in this moment.
I write. Loads. And you don’t get to see it. Not yet. In time – possibly?
I discover, when I write. And it makes it easier for me, to succintly share my discoveries with You. You – the one who was there, in the moment of Now, when I time travelled and almost, almost, reacted. But I didn’t. And that’s something! No. More than some-thing. That’s a lot! It matters. Every time I time travel into the past, acting from a memory or two, I am on automatic pilot. Falling through the trap door, and responding to Now, without presence. Breaking that pattern, even if only one time, means it’s possible. It means it can become probable, it can grant me help to stay in the presence, more and more. Acting, rather than reacting. Giving me a moment of pause, to observe my whereabouts, looking around me and spotting tell-tale signs of past memories. Shaking me up, bringing me back. To Now.
Which is where I want to be, when I am in connection with people who I value. I want to be present. (And no, that does not mean I won’t ever reminice with people, on shared past experiences and sweet memories. Walking down Memory Lane can be such a treat. But that’s a whole other ballgame than time travelling through internal trap-doors!)
Such an exciting path of discovery I am on!Read More