raw

How to relate to limits?

How to relate to limits?

April 20, 2019
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How to relate to limits? My limits.
The boundaries that serve me versus the ones that stop my personal expansion as a human being.

A recent meeting that blew me out of the water, making me shatter my self-made box of limiting stories and beliefs. Writing about it. In that way that I write. Zoomed out and in at the same time, strangely impersonal yet enormously naked. I think? That’s how it feels to me. And that’s what matters, because, honestly, I have no idea what you pick up on, or not, how you react, or not. My style of writing is my style of writing.

So. Writing about it. Because that’s how I make sense of the world, of my world, how I learn and explore within myself. And yet. As I write, about this recent encounter, that has opened a new door to my universe, I cannot help but wonder… dare I? Dare I not dare?

To share or not to share, that is the question.

I’ve quite a few texts written that I’ve yet to share. Perhaps I will, perhaps I won’t.

Will these texts I am currently writing move in with these unpublished texts, or join the world in full view, with the rest of my 2000+ blog posts?

And no. I am not one to believe that I have to share everything. With everyone. Not anymore… I did. For a period around the turn of the millennia, that’s just what I did.

And at the same time, I find vulnerability in sharing what it’s like to be a human being in this day and age, is something I am drawn to. Regardless if I’m the one doing the sharing, or you.

What I’ve come to know is that when I share something completely raw to me, it’s not a good idea to share publicly. With close friends absolutely, friends whom I know will not sympathize but empathize. Once healing is underway and I’ve got a healthy distance to whatever caused my wound, my sharing might be of great help for others, besides for me. Because when my wounds are not open, raw and causing me acute pain, others do not have to manage me and my current state, but rather, can focus on what my sharing opened within themselves.

Yet. It’s as if I’ve yet to arrive, at whatever/where ever I am approaching. So I pause my writing and check my Facebook feed. Stumble across a post, on leaky boundaries vs clear ones. Baaam! Scroll at bit more, and come across yet another post, on baring ones’ soul while being a vessel for creativity. Putting oneself out there, to public display, not giving a hoot about the expectations of others. Swop tabs to LinkedIn, and slam dunk, post number three on being honest with what I feel and need, as opposed to interpretations and judgments, is right there in front of me.

Synchronicity in the making.
But what’s the message? Really, what am I being told here?

To share? To not share?

Somewhere… there’s still a nagging doubt within.
If I pick at it just a little, pick at the doubt, what I find behind it, is fear.
Fear of what a few select people might say or think.

So I pick at that just a little, pick at the fear, and what I find behind it… is…?

Me.
Belittling myself as well as those few select ones.

Now… how or who is that serving?

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2019. As I am.

January 1, 2019
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As I am. 

I asked my friend D to translate “gown off” into Swedish. “Gown off” popped up in my first conversation with my new coach. I described the general feeling of that conversation, and somehow D managed, as so often (always?), put words to that which goes unspoken.

So all of a sudden, “gown off” turned into “as I am”, which feels spot on. This is how I step into 2019, filled with energy and curiosity, with champagne bubbles coursing through my entire body, eager and ecstatic to experience all that is to come, “as I am”. Naked. Raw. Intimate. With power and pleasure.

2019. The year when I will…
* have my bodily wellbeing in focus by:

  • continuing with my daily Seven accompanied by burpees
  • Headspace daily
  • run a minimum of  75 runs
  • take cold (outdoors) baths as often as I can – and add to this by taking cold showers
  • dance Lindy hop as often as I can (taking a class during the spring, and then there’s the social dancing as well!)
  • continuing to ribe my bike and walk as much as possible

* have my mental and spiritual wellbeing in focus by:

  • reading at least 75 books, of which 12 in Swedish and 12 in English already have been chosen. These 12 + 12 I will be blogging about.
  • learn at least five songs by heart including lyrics on the guitar, which will be made possible by my aim at ten minutes of guitar playing on a daily basis
  • I will let the wonderful book The book of Awakening by Mark Nepo be my daily companion
  • hold digital 24-hour sabbats at least twice a month

* have creation in focus by:

  • booking at least four two-day writing retreats during the year
  • keeping up with daily Facebook Lives for as long as there’s energy in doing it
  • blog daily
  • start to pod

* have financial husbandry in focus by:

  • sowing, sowing and sowing a little bit more; on a weekly basis intentionally work on my various income streams
  • keep tabs on my set invoicing goal on a monthly basis
  • keep an accounts book on private income and expenses

And finally – on all levels – experiment and play, experience pleasure and exploring and challenging myself, all the while being gentle to myself!

2019. Here I come. As I am. Gown off! 

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