responsibility

I should…

I should…

July 3, 2020
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It’s July.

(Already. How is it possible? Just the other day it was Easter, and before that Corona struck, and somehow, it’s been a year since I returned home from a week in Kenya. Amazing.)

I should be summarizing June based on my intention for the year (with my body in focus), but it will have to wait.

I should be heading to bed, actually…

(Tired.
That’s what I am.
Sitting on the sofa, yawning like crazy.
)

And yet.
Here I am.
Writing.

Because…
I haven’t written anything today.

Because…
I like having the blog post for tomorrow published automatically as I go about my morning routine, getting ready for the day.

Because…
once I’d eaten, tended the tomato plants in the garden, talked to friends about a fall event, I sat down to write after nine pm… only to realize I’d forgotten to send a weekly email to a client of mine, a very dear client of mine, so that’s what I did. Instead of writing. For me. 

But.
Perhaps because-ing myself is as bad as shoulding myself?
Or… perhaps shoulding myself isn’t bad at all? Except when I think it means I have to do something, and that I am bad, unworthy, a lazy no-good, if I don’t?

Perhaps because-ing myself isn’t bad either, as long as I don’t use it to avoid taking full responsibility for me, myself and I, and all the situations I put myself into?


#tankespjärn, for those who wish to discover. More. Other. New.
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The generous thing is asking for help.

May 5, 2020
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Yes. The generous thing is asking for help.

And. Of course, this can be misused, everything can be misused!

So if you are a person asking for help a lot, when you ask, why are you asking?
What’s your reason? What’s your rationale? Is it a habit you’ve gotten into, a way to get out of taking responsibility for your own life? Is it a way to skirt your issues, your fears, your perceived inadequacies? In a sense, is you asking a way for you to hinder yourself (unconsciously) from growing, from learning, from expanding as a human being? A way of belittling yourself? Or is it truly because you’ve done the work, and are asking when appropriate, which I wrote in yesterday’s post as well? If so, yes, yes, yes, the generous thing is asking for help!

And if you are a person constantly asked to help, when you help, why are you helping?
What’s your reason? What’s your rationale? Is it a habit you’ve gotten into, a way to get out of taking responsibility for your own life? Is it a way to skirt your issues, your fears, your perceived inadequacies? In a sense, is your helping a way for you to hinder yourself (unconsciously) from growing, from learning, from expanding as a human being? A way of belittling yourself? Or is it truly because you’ve done the work, and are helping from a place of you taking responsibility for answering/helping truthfully, which I wrote in yesterday’s post as well? If so, yes, yes, yes, the generous thing is helping!

These aspects are really important to take into consideration

Based on a knowing that people are holding themselves (self-)worthy, (self-)responsible and (self-)honored, regardless if asking or helping, or in any other situation, I am much freer to Be in the world without taking on what is not mine to take on (There’s my business, your business and God’s business, to quote Byron Katie). This knowing might well be called an assumption. And I am not prone to liking assumptions, given that assumptions are the mother of all fuck-ups, and yet… this might well be one of those instances where it actually does serve me.


#tankespjärn, for those who wish to discover. More. Other. New.
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Not wanting to ask for help

May 4, 2020
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Like a constant hum in the background, the insistence on not wanting to ask for help. I hear it from many, most even. It’s uncomfortable, it feels scary, in part perhaps due to thoughts about belittling oneself by asking? Or is it more to do with not knowing that the answer will be favorable, and from fear of the unknown, the uncontrollable, it’s easier to simply bore down into whatever it is and try to manage by yourself, instead of putting yourself through the risk of being turned down?

One of the interesting facts about help – almost no-one claims to like asking for help, but most everyone loves to help. So the generous thing is to ask for help, when appropriate, giving others an opportunity to step in and help.

For me, asking for help is something I’ve gotten quite good at, in large part due to the fact that since childhood I have a friend who’s a great helper, and at the same time, someone who would never say that she can help if she cannot. So I know, upon asking, that if she says Yes, it’s unequivocal, and if she says No, it’s because she cannot. Making it very easy for me to ask, as I know she takes full responsibility for answering truthfully. And when there’s a No, it’s not because she doesn’t like me, or thinks I am silly to ask, or… you know, all those dead-ends the mind has a habit of detouring into now and again.

But is there a difference between asking for Help versus asking for Assistance? Or is that difference purely semantic? And, equally important to ponder, is there a difference between Helping versus Assisting?


#tankespjärn, for those who wish to discover. More. Other. New.
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Pay as much as you want?

April 28, 2020
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It’s funny how the (or at least my) brain works. An event or two flashed before my eyes last night, scrolling my social media feed, and they used the Pay as much as you want-, Donation based-, or phrased differently Pay as much as you think it’s worth-strategy.

Upon waking, my brain told me there are two, or possibly three, rationals for using this strategy:

  1. It’s a truly generous move, one where the organizer wants everyone to be able to come, to experience, to participate, regardless of their financial means.
  2. It’s a chicken move, evoked as a way to skirt one’s own responsibility. Not wanting to, being able to, feeling comfortable with (or whatever reason there might be subconsciously) actually putting a price on one’s services. Not knowing what it might be worth to others it is so easy to simply let the others decide. But what does that tell you about your own belief in your product/service? How much do you value you?
  3. A combination of the two where there is a genuine desire to be open for all, and yet getting away with it… One way to avoid this is to do Donation based with an added indication of what is going rate.

What do you see with these strategies, that I don’t?

Anyway.
That’s how my brain works.
How does your work?


#tankespjärn, for those who wish to discover. More. Other. New.
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Advent Calendar 15 – It’s on me!

December 15, 2018
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I screwed up.

The screw up has consequences, for me as well as others, involving time, effort and money.

And it’s on me. I take full responsibility for it because I screwed up.
Of course, I could blame other people. For not being more observant. For not informing me. For whatever…

But I don’t. It’s on me.
I wasn’t observant enough. I didn’t ensure I was informed enough.
It’s. On. Me.

And guess what?
That feels good.
Taking responsibility for what I did, feels great, actually.

And it also helps me to accept what has happened. Thereby I avoid wasting my energy on banging myself over the head for what I did. Thoughts like You dumb idiot, Helena, how stupid you are? Why on earth didn’t you stop this from happening? pop into my head, sure. But why waste time and energy entertaining this and similar thoughts? Thoughts that don’t serve me or anyone else, in any way, what so ever. Because it has happened. I cannot undo it, however much I try.

I can learn from it though. Take steps to ensure it will not happen again. Cast a wider net on the screw up; perhaps my learnings from today can be utilized in other types of situations?

All in all, accepting and taking responsibility for what happened, it is the most gentle thing I can do.


Advent Calendar 2018 – number 15 of 24 – on the theme of being gentle.

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Bliss.

October 1, 2018
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“Female sensuality”, Helena Roth. Created at a “Paint Mandala”-class (Måla Mandala) with Lisa Withlovelisa Rislöw, the day before a weekend class on Playful tantra (Lekfull tantra), given by Charlotte Cronquist, the following reflection written after day one.

Presence.
Closeness.

Finding me.
In your eyes.
Seeing and being seen.
In my yes. My no.
Lucidity is kindness, as always.
To breath; rebirthing, opening up, energies in flux. Loudly.

Body contact.
Hands caressing my body, soft as a feather.
The strength of an arm holding me close.
Letting my enjoyment be seen, heard.

Speaking out loud, my inner wish.
What I desire. Right now. With you and noone else.
To speak. Be granted my wish. Speaking another. Granted, yet again.
Daring to let go.
Daring to let me ask for, be granted, receive.
Revel.
Simply being with it. Being with.
Sensuality.
Caresses.

Not taking responsibility for anyone but me.
I. Here. For me. Not you.
You. Here for you. Not me.
In the space in between, We are created.
Multiple We’s.
Shifting. Growing. Weaved together, by laughter, eye contact, touch.

Shares. Laughs.
Truth and lies; more laughter. Frivolous and heartfelt, all at once.
That which is significant, and that which is insignificant.

Elemental massage. Like earth, fire, water, air, ether.
Heavy. Earthed. Grounded. Powerful. Well needed.
Surprised. Sweeter to receive than give, which gives me permission after the fact, for what I gave. Like a winter swim: tingling skin, awakened, alive. Blood flowing through my veins.
Rippling, sparkling. A moment of grace.
Softly, softly. Caressed by hair, by breath, by the outermost part of the fingertips. More, give me more!
Caressed by energy, by the force field generated by closeness and presence, even without physical contact. There is so much more to us, we reach far beyond our physical bodies.

The gift.
That I do. Dare. Let myself.
Give. Receive.
The exquisite thrill, heartfelt and real, far from ABC.
The amount of pleasure available to us in life, far beyond what I ever knew, dared, understood, thought myself able to.

Beginning to understand.
Bliss!

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Being responsible for e v e r y t h i n g

October 20, 2017
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BoldomaticPost_Nothing-at-Facebook-is-someon”One of my favorite posters of our office walls reads, ’Nothing at Facebook is someone else’s problem.’ In a company-wide meeting, I asked everyone facing challenges in working with a colleague – which of course is everyone – to speak more honestly to that person. I set a goal that we would all have at least one hard conversation each month.”

Synchronicity is funny – I read this part from Option B after having said precisely these words together with Pernilla Tillander at one in a series of multiple workshops we are holding for att pre-school staff in a small commune in the south of Sweden. Well. No, not verbatim, as we aren’t addressing the staff at Facebook, of course, but the gist of our question was the same: Are you responsible for everything that happens at work?

The first reaction of most people is to say No. A few get confused, and basically no one steps up and says Yes.

– What do you mean, responsible for everything that happens at work? That’s absurd!

– Of course it’s not on me, I can’t take responsibility for everyone at work and their actions!

– Well, yes, but no, I mean, I am responsible for me, but…

– No, the boss has more responsibility than I do. 

The magic in this, which Sheryl has also realized, is that when people step in and shoulder responsibility for whatever happens, other people step up as well to share the responsibility. And the opposite is equally true, which I am sure you all recognize from personal experience: When people blame other people, no one steps in to take responsibility; No one actually suggests possible ways out of a muddle; Everyone is busy casting blame and attempts at all cost to avoid having the finger ultimately pointing at oneself.

Now. The point to this reasoning is not to get into a philosophical argument about the impossibility of actually being responsible for e v e r y t h i n g. I mean, I get that, you get that, everyone get’s that. But still – try it. Try stepping in to shoulder responsibility for e v e r y t h i n g and see what happens. How does it feel inside yourself when you do? What’s the reaction of those around you? Do they blame you, start to shout and scream at you, taking the opportunity to throw some more dirt upon your willing shoulders? Or do they join forces with you, sharing the load, taking part in being responsible? Does it make you feel small as a person, or large? What do your colleagues say – do they respond to you as if you are belittling yourself, or them? Or the opposite – when you step in and show yourself as the big person you are, do they show up as their better selves?

Try it out – see what happens!

Inspired to continue blogging on the theme from the #blogg100-challenge in 2017 I give you:
The book ”Option B – Facing adversity, building resilience, and finding joy” by Sheryl Sandberg.

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I know. I know. I got the message!

October 18, 2016
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torticollisWoke up with torticollis.

Again.

It haunted me for almost two years, until the spring, when it lifted.

*not again, please no…*

And. I know, I know, I got it.
I know why it went away then.
And I know why it’s back today.

It brings a message.

Having been dense enough not to pick up on the not-so-subtle message for the two years preceding my aha-moment in the spring, I cannot help but surrender to the message today. I cannot let myself be blind to it, not when I know what the Universe is telling me.

So I will. I listen. And I will act.
The message is to speak up.
To share what I feel, think, experience.
Not to sit silent, be passive, but to step up, say my piece, take responsibility for me and my life.

Message received, Universe.
I will act.

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Responsibility

February 25, 2016
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What is responsibility?
What does it mean?
How do I act responsibly?
And why do I have such strong attachment to the word, with a heavy feeling of sorts attached to it?

Those are but a few of the questions that arose a while ago, during a coaching call with my coach. Since then, I’ve toyed with the word, played with the concept, observed my feelings, written about it in my journal, and also spoken again and again with my coach about it, but also brought it up in other conversations.

I’ve gotten more insight. I’ve discovered the story I was telling myself about being responsible, and why it is “something I have to do“. No wonder it had a heavy feel to it!

If I think responsibility is a heavy burden to bear, a must, something one should do, it’s only logical that it will have a very heavy feel to it. 

And you know what? It doesn’t have to.

The more I’ve sat with the word, I’ve realized responsibility can feel very light as well. It all depends on my state of mind. When I am in a low state of mind, I feel alone, having to carry the weight of responsibility all by myself. When, on the other hand, I am in a high state of mind, I feel connected to the Whole, to Mind, to whatever connects us all to each other (also when I’m in a low state of mind, mind you! Only when I’m low, I lose sight of the connection that is always there, as if I’ve gotten lost).

When I’m aware of the connection, feeling connected, responsibility is light as a feather. It’s as if I am no longer the only one to carry my load, like I’m larger than life, and no burden is too heavy. My self is so expanded, so connected to the energies of Mind, that I’m sharing the weight with everyone. Light. As a feather.

feather

I like the new relationship with Responsibility that I am exploring. What is Responsibility to you? Is it heavy? Or light as a feather?

Welcome to the English writings of Helena Roth. Since 2012 I have blogged over at herothecoach.com and this post is a sample of what I’ve been writing over the years. I hope you enjoy this #ThrowbackThursday, originally published here, and if you do, please subscribe to updates so you won’t miss out on future posts.

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