see

The stress indicators

The stress indicators

June 5, 2020
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Hard to ignore, the stress indicators. Having a hard time getting to bed. Waking early and/or intermittently throughout the night. Having a hard time holding it together (you should have seen my reaction to this America’s Got Talent clip – moved to tears above and beyond my normal reactions to AGT/BGT-clips!). And, today, the best tell-tale sign of them all, the fluttering eyelid. All of these indicators have been my companions now and again throughout adult life (and probably even before).

The difference is my greater awareness about them. I see them. I feel them. I notice them. And, I know what to do about them as well. At the moment, I do what I can during the weekends to make sure I rest, relax, read. Spending time in the garden is a great way to ground me. I recharge enough to make sure I can do what needs to be done the upcoming week without running dangerously low on battery.

It’s also a conscious decision of mine to keep up my current work pace, knowing it’s a weekday sprint/weekend recharge for about another month. After that, there’s room. For me. For recharging for a longer period, and more importantly, for less sprinting.

Am not worried.
In a sense, kind of pleased that I’ve gotten to be so good at picking up on these indicators, that in the past, 10+ years ago, were just a part of my normal life. They aren’t anymore, on account of what I do and how I have set up my life, and it has made me much more observant to when they show up. Giving me a chance to take stock, to weigh pro’s and con’s and make a conscious decision on my next step.
Am also fully aware that shorter sprints of massive workload is something I am capable of managing, I just need to make sure that the periods aren’t too long, because that’s when it starts to become a real problem.
And it’s not. Not yet.
And I won’t let it be, either.

If nothing else, my more-or-less daily blogging helps me check in with myself. And wondrously enough, somehow whatever seems to come through my fingers onto (digital) paper, most often points me in whatever direction I need to go. It’s a gentle nudge, bringing my awareness up, making me see. Me.


#tankespjärn, for those who wish to discover. More. Other. New.
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Playing hide-and-seek

June 4, 2020
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There is so much I see at the moment.

I see me, my reactions to what’s happening around me/us, my thoughts, fears, hopes, wishes.

I see you, your reactions to what’s happening around you/us, and even though I cannot see your thoughts, fears, hopes, wishes, I sense them for sure.

This. Might. Become.
Another one of those texts that I need to sit with, a text, a message, a something I want to get out. It’s cooking inside me. I have hardly started to get it on print, but it’s percolating inside heart and head alike. It’s a visceral, physical something as well as transient thoughts playing hide-and-seek with me.

Again, I don’t feel up to it, not right now. I want to bring it my very best, and that is not where I am. I am spent. So I take a break.
Spot the poppies in the garden through the kitchen window, so I bring my phone with me, step outside, and let myself see them, feel them.

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Share your pain

March 30, 2019
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Share your pain, he said.

I nodded, saying Yeah. I know. I do.

His turn to nod, agreeing.

Because that is what I do. I share my pain. Or rather. I share what I am. Where I am. The feeling of the moment. Right here. Right now. Be it pain, bliss, fear or subtle joy. I share, what I am. Where I am.
And I have, for many years now.

This is one of the results of me blogging daily since 2013. Have gotten used to writing about what I see. What I feel. What I am. What I observe. What I struggle with. What I rejoice in. What I feel ashamed of. What I dread.

Photo by Anders Roos: http://www.andersroos.nu/

 

Life, as it is.
Is.

Not how I would like it to be.
What norms say I should want it to be.
What convention has me fobbing it off as.

As. It. Is.

So yeah.
There’s pain.
Bliss.
Grief. Fear. Joy.
Excitement. Thrill.
Sadness and anger.

All of it.

In one great big mess… just like life.
As. It. Is.

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#blogg100 – Close your eyes.

April 29, 2017
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“That the deaf man cannot hear
the sound of the crashing ocean
waves, or the blind man cannot
see the beauty of an autumn sky,
does not mean the sea and the
sky do not exist.

So, like the blind man, close
your eyes.

Like the deaf man, block your
ears; go inside and realize… that
which you seek has been there,
within you, all along.

This is when the blind will see
and the deaf will hear.”

crashing waves

#Blogg100 challenge in 2017 – post number 60 of 100.
The book “The Missing Link” by Sydney Banks.
 Page 43.
English posts here, Swedish at herothecoach.com.

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