space

More silence in life?

More silence in life?

April 23, 2020
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The silence.
Again, the silence!

Of all the feedback I and my two fellow Buddhas have gotten from people listening to one or more episodes of our recently launched podcast Buddhas by the Roadside, the one thing that keeps coming up over and over again is the silence.

10 seconds.
20 seconds.
30 seconds.

I don’t know how long there have been silent parts in these episodes, as I haven’t timed them, but they are there, they are quite frequent, and they are definitely part of the way we are, together, the three of us, me, Caspian and Dominic. Well… in 3D the silences can last for way longer than half a minute, but that’s beside the point. The point is… sometimes, it is just so lovely to be able to have a bit of emptiness, to let me, my thoughts, my emotions, make their way, leisurely, to the Point of Now. Not necessarily catch up, that’s a phrase that doesn’t ring true for me, here, but rather just… at my own pace, making my way to a meeting point, an energetic center, where connections can be made, where all of it, all of me, my thoughts, my emotions, can go off again, side by side or in different directions… only to reconvene later on at a new meeting point.

For me, this is a skill I’ve rediscovered, or perhaps relearned, as I used to be working on my retort while the other was speaking, which had me not be present in the conversation. I very rarely do this, anymore. I’ve learned to listen. And then, to see what pops up. If anything, because now and again, there’s just space, vast space, of the most glorious silence. Within.

And these silences are not edited out from Buddhas by the Roadside. There are allowed their own space. And I wonder at the way these silences of ours are picked up. Might it be, that there is a longing for more silences in the lives of our listeners? That these silences stick out for the listeners could perhaps be a sign of a longing, a need, a wish for more silences in life?


#tankespjärn, for those who wish to discover. More. Other. New.
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It Is.

March 30, 2020
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It is!

I did press Launch (but not today, I actually launched it last night, thanks to two fellow TCW:ers kicking me very lovingly in the butt. 💚), and all of a sudden… there’s the feeling of being slightly embarrassed. Feeling a bit awkward. As if I am already second-guessing myself. Shouldn’t I have put more effort into it after all? Perhaps I shouldn’t promote it until I can get a better introductory video made, and have gotten a bit more material up on the site, and…

But, once again, I have a choice.
A choice of whether or not to put my focus on these thoughts and their corresponding feelings, or not.

And I choose not to. I feel it –heck, I’m even letting these thoughts step up and get their moment in the spotlight right here, right now– but that’s enough. I have better use for my energy than to waste it beating myself up over any imagined faux pas of mine. 

Because the truth is this: It Is. 

The #tankespjärn-community is now a reality.
I hold the space, and I opened the space.
But everyone is invited to dance.

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Ever since I was born

March 25, 2020
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That cliffhanger.

Time to latch on: I want to do something other than what I’ve been doing for the past 5-7 years when it comes to my creative side, in how (and why?) I share my voice. I have my two blogs, the one in Swedish and this one in English, and even though I write more or less daily on either one of them, I want something to shift. I want to create a space for a community of sorts, a community of people willing to generously participate in receiving and giving #tankespjärn

There’s plenty of free material/content on my blogs, my pod, on Instagram etc. But I want to give more. Material which dives deeper and invites you to both give and receive #tankespjärn. But also to take part in deeper conversations, around Being and Becoming, on what #tankespjärn might mean for you in living your life, on learning to actively seek the event horizons of life. 

I have a Patreon-site in mind and have something of value to offer. I know there’s value to be had. And at the same time, that nagging little shaming voice within tells me to stop immediately, there’s no way anyone would subscribe to this, you haven’t thought it through enough, you need to wait, and prepare much more for it, and plan for how to do what when, and….

But hey. 

I have prepared for it. Ever since I was born, I have prepared for this. In 1999 when I was left by my then-husband while being 9 months pregnant, I started the journey for real, but way before that, I started preparing for this. 

I know my stuff.
I have a fair inkling of what I don’t know as well, which is why I want the community.
I want the opportunity to learn and grow, to evolve and expand, in relationship with others.

And if I don’t Do, there’s no way of knowing if it will work, is there? 

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Approaching the event horizon from the unknown

February 25, 2020
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There’s that blank stare… from me. Looking out. At nothing. Past everything, into the void beyond, the unknown, into the depths of that which contains multitudes…. but it’s as if I simply cannot see. As if I am blind. As if I am unhooked, uncoupled, unconnected. A single entity floating around in space, all alone, with nothing to latch onto.

What to write about?

Writer’s block doesn’t exist.

Nah.
True.

And yet… sometimes I have to prompt myself with precisely what I do now. Not knowing what to write, having no clear sense of purpose, no ideas popping, eagerly awaiting being put down on paper… so I just start typing. Seeing what comes out.

Sometimes utter rubbish.
Sometimes surprising myself, with content or form.
Sometimes publishing it.
Sometimes not.

But many times, just the simple fact of putting pen to paper (finger to keyboard. I have to come up with a more poetic and beautiful analogy to the pen to paper-one, can you help?) eases me out of that void, into the world of the living, pulling me back from the depths of despair (slight exaggeration, but it’s a lovely alliteration!) and having me stumble onto the event horizon, from the other way, as it were. Normally I come onto it from the known, slowly, gently, softly, inch by inch getting closer to it. Not so now. Now, it’s more as if I am hurled around in space, and there it is, the event horizon, the semblance of things I do no visible beyond the edge, I’d better grab a hold of it. Tossing out my arm, making contact with the event horizon, getting my breath beaten out of me from the impact.

There.
Breathing. Gently. In. Out. In. Out.

Coming from that place, the unknown, the void within (without?), the event horizon has a surprisingly solid feel to it, in contrast to when I ease onto it from the known.

Shifting perspectives (and this is what #tankespjärn is for me) provides that opportunity.
Opening up for an exploration of new vistas, new experiences, new possibilities.

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The time in between the seconds

May 29, 2019
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The spaces in-between.
I have grown to love them.
To understand, value, cherish and seek them.
Rejoicing in them, when able to. Which I am not all the time. Far from it.
But as with most things… the more I am with the spaces in-between, the better I am at rejoicing in them, revelling in them, revering them.

Rectify. 
A series I just started watching.
Daniel is asked what was real to him during his years in prison. He replies:

The time in between the seconds

The in-betweens.
There they are.

Synchronicity in the making.
I’ve had a day filled with in-betweens. At a customer, all day, participating in a quality audit. Responding to questions when needed, keeping notes of what was being done and said. And in-betweens. Loads of them. Just sitting there, waiting (resting in the tranquility of it!) for the inspectors to finish reading, to come with the next question or request.

On the bus home, I watched episode two. And then… towards the end; this. A reminder!
A reminder for me, to make room for the in-betweens. Those moments of doing nothing. Waiting for the tea kettle to boil. For the final spin cycle on the washing machine to come to an end. For the red light to turn to green when out and about on my bike. For the sun to settle.

Not having to fill every moment with action – checking email, social media feeds, messages, or any number of other activities that have come to take the place, the space, of the in-betweens – but rather… simply… being? Breathing? Like balm to the soul.

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From me to me

January 31, 2018
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from me to meThe other day I took part in a conversation amongst precious souls, my circle of Camp fire sisters, that meet up about once a month over Skype. As always, deep connection took place, as we each shared what wanted to be heard.

Afterwards, Mayke sent us all this amazing piece of writing, spurred on by the virtual camp fire-conversation. I asked her if she could not release this text into the world, and if she didn’t have a place for that, that I’d love to feature her as a guest blogger here. So, without further ado, I give you:

From me to me, by Mayke Vullings

Some words, from me to me:

Today I am

In a child’s carousel

Twirling around in endless circles

The laughter long gone

Loudspeakers on full force

Bombarding my ears

With questions I cannot answer

Shouting my inadequacies for everyone to hear

Blocking deep truth I lost touch with

I am lost

In thoughts who keep me prisoner

Dictating a perspective

That leaves no space to breath

Now frantically looking for a way out

 

My friend whispers: that is the way in

Become your own Mum

Force yourself up

And go to the stove

Heat the water

Pour yourself a hot cup of tea

Sit down wrap your hands around the cup

Follow the steam with your eyes

As thoughts vapouring in thin air

walk to the couch

Cuddle into a blanket

Next to you a bottle of silence,

Your glasses and a good book to read

Breathing, breathing

Staying on this island as long as you need

 

Somewhere in the room

You know for sure –

are your ballet shoes

patiently waiting for your return

to step into

start dancing your life

again & again & again

recognizing yourself in the now

for who you truly are.

 

Amsterdam, 29th of January 2018

Mayke

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Space of Now

January 18, 2017
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Rereading Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now I am elated to read about what I am experiencing right now. Being in the Now. Not knowing what lies ahead, and not really bothering with it either. Being in the Now; Being happy here. Feeling content, in peace. Relaxed. In the space of Now, where things are good and I am at peace, I cook dinner. Eat. Talk to kids. Cuddle with them a bit. Feed the cat. Hang the wet laundry to dry. Ride my bike to a meeting. Knit on my woolen sweater while watching a TED Talk. Blog. Read. Talk to the school nurse of one of my legal guardians aka unaccompanied minor refugee. Light a fire in the living room stove. Walk to the nearest PokémonGo-gym, battling my way in. Pop the cat on the sofaTake a photo of Pop the cat while he’s sleeping in the most adorable way on the sofa. Text with friends and family. Write a quotation for an assignment that would be thrilling to get. Read a high-level guideline on quality systems. Order a few Christmas gifts. Light a candle and finish a Sudoku.

It’s good. Life.

I don’t know what will come, and I don’t have the sense that I need to, or even want to know. It will come. Or rather, life is constituted of moments of Now, and in those moment, most often there is peace, tranquility, excitement, joy, laughter, tears, thrill and connection. And when I simply allow myself to be there, in the moment, living, feeling, experiencing… Then life is good.

I especially don’t know what will be with regards to my marriage. But… it doesn’t hurt, at least not right now. And it hasn’t for the past few weeks. I’ve let go of a lot of would’s and should’s and why-not’s, and in return, I get to relax into what is. Yes, we are living apart. Yes, there is still love. Yes, there is a strong will to ensure that no matter where our relationship ends up, that it will be in a place of mutual respect. Yes, there is the longing for the familiar, and when I open my arms and invite him in, he comes. That way, I get to enjoy it. Him. Me. Us. And it’s sweeter somehow. No longer taking anything for granted; When I want a stronger sense of connection, I ask for it. Or he asks and I say Yes. And there, in the space of Now of the is-ness of life, it is all good and I am filled with a deep sense of inner peace.

Not bothering my mind with if’s, but’s, and what-might-be’s, but rather… breathing in, breathing out, letting go, letting come, and resting in the space of Now.

It’s good. Life.
Right Now.

The above text was written November 30th 2016.

As I reread it, I see the pivot I did sometime before writing this, with regards to my marriage, but also with regards to life itself. Something I am grateful for having experienced, a pivot I would not wish to be without. So. There is much gratitude for the way life has unfolded, and continues to unfold. In the most mysterious and unknown way. It’s good. Life. Right Now.

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