writing

How to relate to limits?

How to relate to limits?

April 20, 2019
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How to relate to limits? My limits.
The boundaries that serve me versus the ones that stop my personal expansion as a human being.

A recent meeting that blew me out of the water, making me shatter my self-made box of limiting stories and beliefs. Writing about it. In that way that I write. Zoomed out and in at the same time, strangely impersonal yet enormously naked. I think? That’s how it feels to me. And that’s what matters, because, honestly, I have no idea what you pick up on, or not, how you react, or not. My style of writing is my style of writing.

So. Writing about it. Because that’s how I make sense of the world, of my world, how I learn and explore within myself. And yet. As I write, about this recent encounter, that has opened a new door to my universe, I cannot help but wonder… dare I? Dare I not dare?

To share or not to share, that is the question.

I’ve quite a few texts written that I’ve yet to share. Perhaps I will, perhaps I won’t.

Will these texts I am currently writing move in with these unpublished texts, or join the world in full view, with the rest of my 2000+ blog posts?

And no. I am not one to believe that I have to share everything. With everyone. Not anymore… I did. For a period around the turn of the millennia, that’s just what I did.

And at the same time, I find vulnerability in sharing what it’s like to be a human being in this day and age, is something I am drawn to. Regardless if I’m the one doing the sharing, or you.

What I’ve come to know is that when I share something completely raw to me, it’s not a good idea to share publicly. With close friends absolutely, friends whom I know will not sympathize but empathize. Once healing is underway and I’ve got a healthy distance to whatever caused my wound, my sharing might be of great help for others, besides for me. Because when my wounds are not open, raw and causing me acute pain, others do not have to manage me and my current state, but rather, can focus on what my sharing opened within themselves.

Yet. It’s as if I’ve yet to arrive, at whatever/where ever I am approaching. So I pause my writing and check my Facebook feed. Stumble across a post, on leaky boundaries vs clear ones. Baaam! Scroll at bit more, and come across yet another post, on baring ones’ soul while being a vessel for creativity. Putting oneself out there, to public display, not giving a hoot about the expectations of others. Swop tabs to LinkedIn, and slam dunk, post number three on being honest with what I feel and need, as opposed to interpretations and judgments, is right there in front of me.

Synchronicity in the making.
But what’s the message? Really, what am I being told here?

To share? To not share?

Somewhere… there’s still a nagging doubt within.
If I pick at it just a little, pick at the doubt, what I find behind it, is fear.
Fear of what a few select people might say or think.

So I pick at that just a little, pick at the fear, and what I find behind it… is…?

Me.
Belittling myself as well as those few select ones.

Now… how or who is that serving?

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Share your pain

March 30, 2019
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Share your pain, he said.

I nodded, saying Yeah. I know. I do.

His turn to nod, agreeing.

Because that is what I do. I share my pain. Or rather. I share what I am. Where I am. The feeling of the moment. Right here. Right now. Be it pain, bliss, fear or subtle joy. I share, what I am. Where I am.
And I have, for many years now.

This is one of the results of me blogging daily since 2013. Have gotten used to writing about what I see. What I feel. What I am. What I observe. What I struggle with. What I rejoice in. What I feel ashamed of. What I dread.

Photo by Anders Roos: http://www.andersroos.nu/

 

Life, as it is.
Is.

Not how I would like it to be.
What norms say I should want it to be.
What convention has me fobbing it off as.

As. It. Is.

So yeah.
There’s pain.
Bliss.
Grief. Fear. Joy.
Excitement. Thrill.
Sadness and anger.

All of it.

In one great big mess… just like life.
As. It. Is.

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#blogg100 – The beginnings of my song.

March 24, 2017
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I’ve just gotten started on the book Born to run by Bruce Springsteen, but I am already smitten. The way he writes, how he crafts words into sentences, carving them to paint pictures within my mind, the tonality and rhythm of the phrases making me rejoice, and sometimes even be completely awestruck.

Bruce Springsteen is a skilled word crafter, creating worlds within me. I should not be surprised, really. From the lyrics of his songs, I know this. But still – with letters turning into words, making up sentences, forming phrases and paragraphs, sometimes direct and extremely explicit, sometimes elusive and coy, leaving me to weave my own image of what is roughly sketched on the page – I am smitten.

“This is the world where I found the beginnings of my song.”

What an alluring sentence. Inviting me to think back, to reflect on the beginnings of my song. And is it a song? For me? For Bruce, oh yeah. Without a doubt. But for me? Maybe. Maybe not. Is it perhaps more of a story for me, a novel? I write. Now. And I am so happy I am. It’s one of the greatest gifts I’ve ever given myself, taking on the challenge of blogging daily for one hundred days, which now is a routine of mine that has me hooked. It is so thrilling. I truly enjoy it.

beginnings of my songAs I write this, sitting in bed, after a long day at a customer writing their quality manual (not exactly thrilling writing in the same way, I admit. But still – quite the challenge, and filled with opportunity for learning!), a smile slowly spreads across my face. My eyes twinkle and I sit here giggling, cherishing the experience of letting come. Not knowing what’s next – what my fingers will get up to, dancing on the small keyboard of my mini IPad, and then – all of a sudden, there it is. A sentence, a paragraph, a blog post, two or perhaps, even three. The beginnings of my song?

#Blogg100 challenge in 2017 – post number 24 of 100.
The book “Born to run” by Bruce Springsteen.
English posts here, Swedish at herothecoach.com.

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Your writing has improved

June 2, 2016
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Your writing has improved, she said.

And I agree. I can feel it, experience it, as I write. But also as I go back a year, two, three, to revisit what I wrote back then. My writing has definitely improved, it’s getting better and better, and what I notice is how it’s taking on it’s very own tone and voice. My tone and voice, something that has never before been expressed and explored like it is now. Taking shape before my eyes, the lines, colors, texture of it gradually coming into being, letter by letter, word by word.

The tone and voice of the books I read (and I am an avid reader!), is something I give thought to. If the tone doesn’t reverberate within me, I put the book down (something which I never allowed myself to do before when I was still oh so harsh against myself. If I’d started to read it, I couldn’t be a quitter…. Oh Helena, how harsh you were…). Pick another. Start to read. Going for a book that vibrates in tune with me.

That vibration doesn’t have anything to do with the topic, or whether or not it’s fiction or non-fiction, No, it’s the use of words, how they are placed on the paper, the pace of it, sometimes who the speaker is, and how he/she speaks to me. There are writers whose tone I love, and those that I just cannot get myself to read.

And my tone is slowly growing, with each word I pen, with every blog post I publish (as well as those I don’t…), slow and steady, a blog piece a day, I am honing my skill at writing. The beauty of blogging is that it’s visible, my journey as a writer is there for all to witness, including me.

As I’ve revisited my blog posts of years gone past, I’m getting the feeling there are topics I’d like to get back to, write about, again, to see what I might be able to do with the same topic today, as a slightly better writer than before.

Better and better….

Don’t misinterpret me, to think I am judging what I used to do, as no good. I’m not. I am merely stating facts. There has been a shift, and hence, what I write today is, in my view, most often of a higher quality than before. But I am not judging myself for having been a bad writer before. No. I merely rejoice at the progression I notice, and take pride in it. Patting myself on the back, for sticking with it, for growing, developing, finetuning and honing my craft.

We all have to start from the beginning, learing the alphabet, to read and write…. and then, gradually, as we learn more and more, as we receive formative feedback, what we produce when writing evolves.

I am happy I’ve rediscovered writing, so that my writing also started it’s very own expansion journey. My writing was at a stand-still for many many years, hibernating, in a state of being neither here nor there, neither alive or dead.writing

But now. It’s alive again.
Out of hibernation. Expanding.

It’s the most wonderful feeling.
You know it too?

Since 2012 I have blogged over at herothecoach.com in a jumble of Swedish and English. This post is a sample of what I’ve been writing – in English – there over the years. As of 2016 all my English posts appear here instead.

I hope you enjoy this #ThrowbackThursday, originally published here, and if you do, please subscribe to updates so you won’t miss out on future posts.
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Write!

March 9, 2016
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After circa 1500 blog posts, I know without a shadow of a doubt, that my life has changed, for the better, thanks to the writing I have been doing these past 3,5 years. I have, on record, the path I have been walking in life since August 2012. I can see how my thoughts, beliefs and attitudes have expanded with me. As I grow, so do the writings.

I rejoice in revisiting old posts, as I can see the progression. What I thought before, might not fit with my current understanding of the world. And then again, sometimes it’s still a perfect fit. To see how thoughts are expanded, how a line of reasoning matures, over time, as I revisit a subject time and time again. And best of all: to take pleasure in it. I don’t judge myself for what I used to think, for what I penned before. What ever I wrote, that’s where I was at the time. Like a moment in time, preserved in words, and images, something to look back at and enjoy. Savor. However far I might have traveled mentally, emotionally, in understanding, from that specific point, I hold myself gently, in remembrance. That is where I once was. Now. I am here.

Writing with a little bit of help from my friend

Writing with a little bit of help from my friend

Blogging is my way of journaling. For sure. I’ve never really managed to keep a diary or to do daily journaling, ever. But blogging is a format that works for me, once I got into the habit of daily blogging (thanks to #blogg100). And I think it has one up on a journal actually. Every month I revisit my old posts from that month, in the archives of my blog. What did I write about on March 9th 2013? 2014? 2015? The few times I have managed to keep a journal, well. Let’s just say, I’ve never ever revisited what I wrote in a journal at an earlier date. Never. So the blog definitely has that advantage, for me.

Besides the fact that this monthly walk down Memory Lane gives me the joy of seeing how my thoughts and my skills as a writer develops, it has also made me aware of the fact that a lot of my old posts are as valid today as the day they were published. The majority of them have aged with grace (except perhaps those from March 9th these past years…). They are as relevant today, as when they were top of mind a year or two or three ago. And that’s interesting to me. It tells me that the subjects that occupy my mind, to a large extent are timeless. In some sense, it centers around what it is to be and to become, human. Perhaps even, how to become a good human?

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Untouched ground ahead

January 6, 2016
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Launching a new website, with two specific intents:

  1. Sharing what it is I do, how I do it, as well as who I am, and whom you might be, at that.
  2. Getting my English posts a spot of their own, not mixed up with the Swedish dito.

And then. When it doesn’t really go as I planned it to – it’s as if my momentum slowed down… and its currently almost at a stand-still.

I had this image in my head – having it all done by January 1st. And it wasn’t. My skills weren’t good enough, and time was scarce, so I got fiverr.com to help me out. And that took more time than intended. Which is ok. I’m not beating myself up over it. And I’m pleased with the result.

I had this other image in my head – and in a spreadsheet on my computer. On what days to publish my writings, categories for each day and even a plan for content. But the days roll by, the content isn’t written and isn’t getting written either, and I have a hard time to decide if the publishing plan is a good idea at all, and whether the set-up itself will be ok.

And you know what? no footprints ahead

Screw it!

It doesn’t matter. 2016 is my year to ship, and ship I will.

It doesn’t really matter that the site got out into the world a few days later than I had planned. In the long run – who cares!?
It doesn’t matter if my plan for what to publish when, is already shot to pieces, as I can always get back on track again.
And if it’s not optimal to start with, well, I made it. That means I can re-make it. Imagine that.

There’s untouched ground ahead. I’m starting something new here. If I don’t move my feet forward, how will I know what might come from this new adventure?

So here I am.
Writing a post, in “the wrong” category according to my publishing plan, but actually on a day I have intended for publishing. An even score in the game between me and the publishing plan….

But who’s counting, eh? Why even look at it as a contest, or a race, something with a winner and a loser? As the underlying theme for this entire site is about being gentle to oneself, wouldn’t it be really weird if I started off being harsh with myself?

Welcome to my new blog at helenaroth.com. I have previously blogged at herothecoach.com. That’s where you will find all new Swedish posts. All my English posts will be published here, from now on. If you enjoyed this read, please subscribe to updates (in the column to the right), that way you will get all new posts delivered to your email inbox.

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