Writings

Playing hide-and-seek

Playing hide-and-seek

June 4, 2020
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There is so much I see at the moment.

I see me, my reactions to what’s happening around me/us, my thoughts, fears, hopes, wishes.

I see you, your reactions to what’s happening around you/us, and even though I cannot see your thoughts, fears, hopes, wishes, I sense them for sure.

This. Might. Become.
Another one of those texts that I need to sit with, a text, a message, a something I want to get out. It’s cooking inside me. I have hardly started to get it on print, but it’s percolating inside heart and head alike. It’s a visceral, physical something as well as transient thoughts playing hide-and-seek with me.

Again, I don’t feel up to it, not right now. I want to bring it my very best, and that is not where I am. I am spent. So I take a break.
Spot the poppies in the garden through the kitchen window, so I bring my phone with me, step outside, and let myself see them, feel them.

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#blackouttuesday

June 2, 2020
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On this #blackouttuesday as I sit here, trying to take it all in, reading some (not a lot), watching some (not a lot), listening some (not a lot), I come back to this:

Attention energizes.
Intention informs.

To what do I give my attention?
What do I want to see more of in this world?

How am I being informed by my intentions?
What’s my learning like?
How can I expand it, go beyond, stretch myself, crossing edges as yet not crossed by me, helping me learn more, see more, grasp more?

And then… turning the energizing attention, and the informed intention into action.
That’s how change is made, by Being the person Doing the work.

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Attention energizes. Intention transforms.

June 1, 2020
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Attention energizes.
Intention transforms.

Two phrases I pick up on, every time I hear them. Which I’ve done a few times lately, in the voice of Deepak Chopra from a few of the meditations that are part of his 21 day abundance-challenge.

When I hear them, I am jolted out of my lull.
There’s something to these words –this combination of words– that wakes me up, makes me alert.

At first, I put attention energizes into a negative category, linking attention to what I call drama. When someone does or says something, or omits to do or say something, and how these actions/non-actions can be nitpicked and studied, broken down into their very smallest pieces, and judged.
Right. Wrong. Who’s the victim? Who’s the perpetrator?

And, falling into the normal pattern of polarizing, if attention energizes is negative, then intention transforms would automatically fall into a positive category, right?

Well.
Let’s just say, that today upon waking, after both conversations and internal reflections upon current affairs throughout the weekend, I realized how off my categorization is.

Neither phrase is negative nor positive.
They just are.

Attention energizes.
Intention transforms.

This is information.
It’s not advice on what to do or not to do, but input to be put to use, when and where it serves me, you, us, the greater good.

Attention energizes.
Intention transforms.

What if (more) attention was given, with a clear intention at its core, as the driver? What might shift then? Individually as well as collectively?


#tankespjärn, for those who wish to discover. More. Other. New.
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Not right now

May 31, 2020
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Again, I find myself with so much that wants to come out, and yet… no energy to make it take form.
There’s so much happening in the world today, so much horror and violence, injustice and upheaval, and I haven’t got the wherewithal to comment on it, and definitely not try to make sense of it, something which I am not sure is even possible.

At the same time, there’s an equal amount going on inside myself today, so many thoughts and reflections, insights and observations, and the same is true here. I haven’t got the wherewithal to get it onto paper, to have it laid out in front of me, even though I know, doing just that, is usually very helpful to me.

But I am not resourced enough right now, to do it.
However much it is usually helpful, right now is not the time.

So I let myself be. Not having to do.
Not right now.


#tankespjärn, for those who wish to discover. More. Other. New.
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How to make three new garden beds in an afternoon.

May 30, 2020
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Take:
1 part Mr D (offering to buy pallet rims on his way over, to help me work the garden for a few hours)
3 home-delivered pallet rims (courtesy of already-mentioned Mr D)
1 weed whacker (borrowed from the neighbors)
1 shovel (to even the soil so the beds are somewhat level)
1 big cardboard box and a handful of newspapers (to line the bottom of the new beds)
1 watering can (a) 2-3 cans per bed to wet the cardboard/newspapers; b) 1-2 cans/bed with everything in place)
3 bags of cow dung (one/bed)
1 big barrel of Bokashi-compost (ripening for the past 2 years; equal parts/bed)
3 bags of soil (one/bed)
1 Helena (while Mr D built a compost corner!)

Voilá!
Tomorrow they just might be put to use!

(And yeah. One of these days, the fence to the –other– neighbors needs to be replaced. Tell me something else I don’t know…)

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she’s a beauty

May 29, 2020
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It’s been a day, that’s for sure.

So imagine my thrill at coming home, only to find this beauty inviting me into the garden.
To relax. To ground myself.
Water the garden beds.
Putting soil on the potato mounds.
Digging up a few Lady’s mantle (Alchemilla vulgaris) going all wild and crazy, potting them for future use somewhere else.

One hour.
Of Being.
Just Being.

she’s a beauty

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I am not unloved.

May 28, 2020
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What if I never get to wake next to a loved one again?, I wrote, only to wake up, a few days later, to this:

So no.
I am not alone.
I am not unloved.
I am simply not walking next to someone on a daily basis
Am not waking up next to someone on a daily basis either.
Except now and then, when Pop the cat obliges me…

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From flood to ebb?

May 27, 2020
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Perhaps, my at least 10k in my body a day-urge is receeding?
Last week, I had four days of only doing a 3K walk, a slow one, Saturday afternoon, because I felt like it. Thursday, Friday, Sunday, I basically didn’t leave the premises.

Just. Didn’t. Wan’t. To.

Monday, biking to and fro work, I got 13+K by bike.
Tuesday, biking to and fro work, with a visit to the ocean and holding a webinar at a friends house, 22K, again by bike.

But today, I was picked up in the early morning, spent the day at the factory (current building project of mine), and then got a lift back home again. Debated going for a walk upon arriving home, but opted for 50 minutes of gardening instead. Now, I have guitar lesson in 20 minutes, which I will take my bike to, but it’s basically less than 1K away.

And I feel fine.
It feels good.

Perhaps, the flood that’s been this very visceral urge in me, for the past year or so, is receeding into ebb?
Perhaps, it’s just a minor bump in the road, and come next week, I will be hot on the wheels again, aching, longing, yearning to move, move, and move some more?

Whatever will be, will be.
Today as well.


#tankespjärn, for those who wish to discover. More. Other. New.
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Feel the water

May 26, 2020
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Bike to the ocean.
Sit down on the bench close to the pier.
Undress. Slowly.

Pull out the sarong from my backpack, the sarong that’s always and already there, in case I feel like taking a cold bath – which, I am happy to report, it still qualifies as (my personal limit is below 14 degrees C).

Put away my phone and my glasses, use a scrunchie to gather up my hair in a bun, and walk towards the stairs, down into the water.

Sun is shining.
Hardly any wind.

Step by step, not fast, not slow, just an even pace, I walk down the stairs into the water. Face the sun and start to swim, all the while counting. Upon hitting 300 I turn around and start to swim back to the pier, but when I reach it, I stay in more. Longer. Don’t want to get out. Not yet. Haven’t had enough.

Turn to face the sun again, and with every cell of my body, every fibre of my being, I feel the water slowly lapping against my chest.

Continuing to count, I take another shorter swim, before I finally, upon hitting 800, get out of the water, realizing it’s about time to head on off to my friend for the Q&A I was to moderate an hour later.

14 minutes. Give or take.
15 degrees in the air.
11,5 in the water (I have my sources).

There’s nothing quite like it.

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