The edges of my capacity

The edges of my capacity

The edges of my capacity

March 8, 2020
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I have high capacity.
A lot of energy.
A well-exercised ability to focus and give it (whatever it is) my all.
But today… Today I bumped up against the edges of my capacity.

With two days of training this weekend, after a jam-packed week with just one evening off, otherwise busy busy busy – a fair description of the last two months as well – it seemed wise and caring to leave the rest of the evening unscheduled…

But no. Not me.
Thirty minutes after the training ended, I had tickets to see Frida – Viva la vida. It turned out to be a movie I enjoyed… and yet… I had a very hard time staying focused. I had a hard time to even stay awake. I was – I am – exhausted. And yet, coming home from the movies I had one more promise to live up to, with a group-call scheduled at 8:45 pm.

I would have been hard-pressed to cancel the movie plans, or try to give my ticket to someone else. And honestly, the thought never even crossed my mind. I don’t know what would have made me go down that route?

The group-call is one which I scheduled after I knew my schedule for the weekend. And it’s the same here. I don’t know what would have me postpone this call? (And having just had it, I am energized, and am happy I did not cancel on it.)

I do not see myself as a person who cancels, which even though I appreciate it as a general trait, is not necessarily a good thing if it’s a fundamental belief of mine, having me not-cancel at the expense of me.

The Upholder in me definitely plays a part here, a leading part even, and from the conversation in the group-call which I just finished, I wonder… how much of this is me being not-gentle towards myself? What does serve me? What would happen if I tried to be less ”follow-through at any cost”-ish?

Perhaps something worth playing around with?
Or.
Let me rephrase that:
Something worth playing around with.
To be continued.

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